


Sweet, Sweet Chaos

by GlameowGal360, notallfoxes



Series: Ultimate Eagles, Let’s Go Lions, Golden Memes [7]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Relationship tags only list official datemates because I’m lazy, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlameowGal360/pseuds/GlameowGal360, https://archiveofourown.org/users/notallfoxes/pseuds/notallfoxes
Summary: This was inevitable. That doesn’t mean anyone’s prepared for it.
Relationships: Annette Fantine Dominic/Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Mercedes von Martritz/Dedue Molinaro, Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Yuris Leclair | Yuri Leclerc, Caspar von Bergliez/Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Linhardt von Hevring, Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring/Bernadetta von Varley, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Ingrid Brandl Galatea/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg/Petra Macneary/Hubert von Vestra, Ferdinand von Aegir/Dorothea Arnault/Hubert von Vestra, Ferdinand von Aegir/Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril/Lysithea von Ordelia/Claude von Riegan, Raphael Kirsten/Leonie Pinelli/Ignatz Victor
Series: Ultimate Eagles, Let’s Go Lions, Golden Memes [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724461
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	1. You Know What This Is

**Author's Note:**

> Notallfoxes is a boss at co-writing AND editing. That’s all. Enjoy!

[Claude has added 23 people to the chat] 

[Claude has changed the chat name to _You Know What This Is_ _(wink)_ ]

Lysithea: This can only end badly. 

Claude: Hence you being the admin. 

Lysithea: A horrible decision, really.

Ferdinand: Should I be worried?

Lorenz: Darling, Claude is involved. Welcome to hell.

Mercedes: Hehe! Oh come now, it can't be as bad as all that.

Ingrid: You say that like you've never met the man, Mercie.

Lorenz: I repeat - it's Claude.

Lorenz: I believe that says it all.

Edelgard: In all fairness, I suggested this. 

Ferdinand: It is good to know that the future of Adrestia has forsaken us. 

Leonie: You guys keep complaining. I’ll be over here planning my next hookup.

Mercedes: ^^^ <3

Ingrid: I see you have your priorities straight.

Dorothea: Well, they aren’t exactly "straight". ;)

Ingrid: I hate you, Dorothea.

Dorothea: I know you mean love!

Claude: You see? Isn’t this just wonderful?

Lysithea: Your definition of “wonderful” is very different from mine.

Claude: That’s not what you said last night, babe. ;)

Lysithea: Ohmygoddess.

Ignatz: Let’s all calm down and try to work this out civilly.

Leonie: I think that ship has sailed.

Linhardt: I wake up, check my phone, and this is what I’m greeted with. Do you see now why I prefer to sleep all day? 

Dedue: Just to be clear, I am only here for @Dimitri.

Dorothea:  _ Suuuure _ . Just like how Hubie is definitely only here for Edie. 

Hubert: @Dorothea Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

Petra: Devil? But you were calling me your angel a few moments ago…

Hubert: We have to work on your understanding of idioms.

Felix: I hate this.

Sylvain: @Felix You hate EVERYTHING.

Sylvain: Everything except me. ;)

Ingrid: And me. :)

Felix: Debatable.

Felix: And @Ingrid, you’re using childish emoticons now?

Ingrid: I’m dating Sylvain. What did you expect?

Felix: Point taken.

Caspar: I don’t see what the problem is! This thing already kicks ass!

Raphael: AMEN to that, brother!

Leonie: WHOO!

Hubert: You’ll use any excuse to get your harem together, won’t you?

Caspar: HEY!

Caspar: We have our own private chat, thank you very much!

Edelgard: So you  _ aren’t _ going to gush about any of your partners here? Not even Bernie??

Bernadetta: Don’t listen to them. That just makes you even sweeter, Caspie. 

Caspar: Aw, thanks babe! :)

Caspar: And screw you guys!

Lorenz: Oh Goddess no.

Ferdinand: Here it comes.

Claude: I’m so glad you brought up  _ screwing _ , my good man.

Dorothea: I thought you were gonna say something about “coming”. You’re slipping.

Hilda: He really is. Shall we show him how it’s done Dorthy?

Dorothea: I’d love nothing more!

Ashe: At least they’re not talking about Caspar’s “harem” anymore.

Ignatz: NO DON’T

Sylvain: I was just going to ask about that! 

Ignatz: Damn it.

Ashe: Sorry Iggy. :(

Sylvain: I bet I can guess who’s in it. ;)

Claude: I bet there are a lot of things “in it”.

Sylvain: Weak. You really are slipping!

Claude: Hey, it’s the beginning of the day! Cut me some slack!

Hilda: You must forgive Claude. He rode me for most of yesterday; he’s still pretty dazed.

Dimitri: Let’s not get off topic here!

Dimitri: What is this about a… harem?

Dimitri: Isn’t that basically what we already are?

Dorothea: Oh honey. You don’t know. 

Dorothea: I would attempt to preserve your innocence, buuuut… 

Dimitri: I’d like to think I’m not  _ that _ corrupted.

Felix: Excuse you, bitch?

Sylvain: ANYWHO! @Caspar has a harem?

Caspar: I mean, I wouldn’t go  _ that _ far.

Linhardt: You topped four people in one sitting last week. You have a harem. 

Caspar: SHUT.

Linhardt: Why are you so embarrassed about this? Have you not been reading everybody’s texts thus far?

Caspar: Is it too much to ask for SOME privacy?

Hubert: With this group? Yes.

Lysithea: But I sincerely wish that wasn’t the case. :(

Claude: Okay, I can think properly again. 

Claude: Considering the interesting conversation we had about activities with a  _ certain ginger _ a few days ago, I think this is exactly what you were hoping for, Lys. ;)

Lysithea: I am leaving.

[Lysithea has left the group chat]

Claude: Coward.

Sylvain: Our man’s got his game back.

Marianne: She’ll probably be back in a little while. She just needs to calm down a bit. 

Annette: Hey all! XD What’s up?   
  


Mercedes: A little late, Annie. Hehe! 

Annette: I’m lost. But whenever Mercie gets like this, people end up screwed. 

Annette: And I don’t mean the fun kind of “screwed”.

Petra: I am having a hard time imagining Mercedes as anyone to fear. 

Felix: You haven’t seen the fuckery that goes on in my class. 

Claude: Hmmm.

Felix: Do not pun at me if you value your life.

Claude: …Okay,  _ I _ won’t.

Claude: Oh Hildie~

Hilda: I’ve heard that you and the “boar” get up to some grade A fuckery. 

Felix: Don’t think I won’t shank you. 

Dimitri: Please don’t bring me into this!

Caspar: Thank the Goddess, I’m off the hook.

Ashe: STOP

Hubert: By the way @Caspar, you never  _ did _ tell us about your harem.

Ignatz: NOT AGAIN!

Caspar: FUCK SHIT DAMN BALLS

Linhardt: I could watch this all day.

Linhardt: It’s like you’re committed to shooting yourself in the foot.

Bernadetta: Um, I can explain if you want. It might get everyone off your back?

Caspar: @Bernadetta Oh fine.

Caspar: Just… do it like a band-aid. Rip it right off.

Sylvain: Honestly, I think we’ve all figured out who’s involved based on the panicked messages.

Sylvain: Everyone and their grandmother knows Linhardt, Ashe, and Caspar are dating. So we just have to go from there.

Claude: *gasp* You leave my grandmother out of this!

Ingrid: Shut up.

Ingrid: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but continue @Sylvain.

Felix: Well, it’s official. Up is down, heaven is hell, and I will never look at Ingrid the same way again.

Ingrid: Quiet you. 

Bernadetta: So yeah, Cas and Lin got together first, then Lin romanced Ashe, Ashe brought Ignatz along with him, and Cas fell for both of them.

Hubert: Basically, Caspar has a harem of twinks.

Caspar: WHY.

Hubert: Because I enjoy watching you squirm.

Bernadetta: I almost forgot about me! I’m with Lin and Cas, too. 

Felix: I don’t… Linhardt, LINHARDT went out of his way to court multiple people? 

Annette: Doesn’t that make it Caspar  _ and _ Linhardt’s harem?

Dorothea: Who the hell cares? It’s hot and I wanna watch them go at it. And I know Ferdie does too. ;)

Ferdinand: I do not have to admit to anything. 

Lorenz: So we’ve abandoned all our shame. Good to know.

Leonie: I’ve found that the best way to live is without shame. Just embrace it!

Lorenz: Then you’re fine with me telling everyone how you asked out Ignatz and Raphael?

Leonie:  _ I’m _ not embarrassed about it! But I know you’ll make it seem worse than it actually was.

Raphael: I for one loved how forward you were, babe! 

Ignatz: I mean, I can’t say that it didn’t… excite me.

Leonie: You just look so tasty pinned against a wall, baby.

Ignatz: ahjhkjh

Felix: Nope. Cut that shit out right now. I will gouge my eyes out if I have to see anyone sexting.

Hilda:  _ Have you forgotten what this chat is about, sweetheart _ ?

[Lysithea has joined the group chat]

Lysithea: @Claude I really hope you didn’t think you were off the hook for earlier. 

Claude: Bring it on, Lys. 

Annette: Ooooooh shit. She’s about to throw down.

Dimitri: And it comes full circle.

Lysithea: I wouldn’t start talking if I were you, Prince of Faerghus. You’re getting exposed, too.

Dimitri: Wait, wait, WAIT! What did I do?!

Dedue: If you intend to impune His Highness’ honor, you should be prepared to face the consequences.

Lysithea: @Dedue. I may be about to wreck Claude, but he’s my boyfriend. Not to mention that Hilda is my girlfriend. They know  _ everyone’s _ secrets, and I’ve heard some intriguing things about the shit you’re into. 

Lysithea: I suggest you stay out of this. 

Hubert: They didn’t know about Caspar’s Harem of Twinks, apparently.

Caspar: FUCK OFF, HUBERT.

Claude: Right. We  _ totally _ didn’t know.

Hilda: It was a  _ complete _ surprise. 

Dedue: My reputation is of little concern. I would sacrifice everything for the sake of His Highness. So please, reveal whatever secrets you deem shameful.

Dimitri: Dedue… You don’t have to do this!

Lysithea: Two words: Custom. Corset. 

Dedue: And why would I be ashamed of that?

Lysithea: Oh I don’t know. Maybe because it’s a certain someone’s kink? And maybe they don’t want others to know about it?

Mercedes: Okay, this might be getting a little too heated. 

Dimitri: I would try to break them up... But once Dedue gets started, it’s impossible to stop him.

Dedue: I would prefer it be kept a secret, yes. But if it is revealed, then so be it. As long as His Highness is spared.

Dedue: And you are in no position to be shaming others for their fetishes, Lysithea. I discovered some rather… interesting objects in our common room the other day.

Lysithea: That-

Lysithea: You can’t prove-

Dedue: Other students corroborated that you left our classroom late last night in the company of another young lady.

Dedue: Strange that you would leave a yardstick and schoolgirl uniform behind.

Lysithea: YOU WIN.

Annette: ...

Dedue: Apologies, Annette. But now Lysithea knows not to threaten His Highness.

Annette: It- It’s alright Dedue. I’m probably the one who left that crap behind anyway. 

Annette: Sorry Lys. :(

Lysithea: It’s fine. He may have beaten me, but I’m not the only one who’s itching to expose the prince. 

Hilda: This is where I come in, right? 

Claude: Oh fuck. Hilda, baby, you wouldn’t.

Claude: Think of my feelings!

Hilda: Darling, you know I will.

Claude: I’ll bend over for you all night if you don’t!

Sylvain: Wow. That right there is a desperate man.

Hilda: Tempting. But I was planning on bending someone else over today, so I’ll live. 

Ashe: Okay, um. I’m no blushing virgin, but this is getting a bit too… intimate.

Ignatz: This is what life with Claude and Hilda is like.

Ignatz: I wish you luck, my love.

Ashe: I’d ask you to hold me, but, y’know. <3

Dedue: I… Can’t think of anything that would prevent Hilda from speaking. 

Lysithea: Unlike me, she has no shame. 

Dimitri: It’s alright, Dedue. You’ve done more than enough for me. 

Dimitri: Now I must fight my own battles.

Edelgard: I wonder how long it’ll take for that brave face to fall apart.

Edelgard: Place your bets, everyone.

Bernadetta: Um, five minutes? 

Leonie: Pft, that’s generous. Three, tops.

Linhardt: One minute.

Mercedes: Hmm, I’d wager thirty seconds

Felix: He’ll quit before they even get started. Trust me.

Dimitri: Just embarrass me and get it over with. I can take it.

Lysithea: No. You really can’t.

Felix: Someone better pay me. 

Claude: ...You don’t know what you’re talking about, Dima.

Hilda: Well, I was just strolling by the Lion’s room the other night. Minding my own business, waiting for my chance to jump Mercedes, the usual. 

Mercedes: Oh my! It’s unfortunate we missed each other. :(

Dedue: There really isn’t anything that embarrases her. Or Mercie.

Mercedes: You know it, dear. :)

Raphael: This is gonna get good! Man, I wish I had jerky with me right now. 

Hilda: Then I see Dimitri leaning against a wall, phone in one hand, his other hand occupied... let’s say elsewhere. 

Dimitri: …

Hilda: So, I’m about to get the heck outta dodge. Then I hear him say, “Treat me like an animal, collar me and spank me until I’m a good boy.” 

Ingrid: HOLY BABY SEIROS

Ashe: ooooookkaaaaaay

Sylvain: Damn. He  _ never  _ talks dirty. 

Annette: I suddenly feel far less embarrassed. 

Dedue: I am truly sorry, Your Highness.

Felix: I’m not. Please continue. 

Claude: Okay, I’m with Ashe; let’s not get too graphic here! 

Hilda: But, Claude! You literally just said you’d bend over for me. 

Hilda: Surely you can take this. ;)

Claude: Babe, if you stop right now, I’ll do you one better than bending over.

Hilda: But this when the story gets REALLY interesting!

Hilda: I hear CLAUDE moaning on the phone! Trust me, I’d recognize his moaning anywhere. And he goes, “What if I don’t want you to be a good boy, Dima? What if I want you to be the beast we both know you are, and impale me on your-”

Hilda: Well, you get the idea.

Dimitri: …

Felix: You’re killing him and I’m loving every Goddess damned second of it.

Claude: …

Ashe: This is historical. I have never seen Claude speechless.

Lorenz: Our leader’s silver tongue has failed him.

Hilda: Wanna know the BEST part? The reason why he didn’t want this getting out?

Lorenz: Yes.

Felix: PLEASE.

Hilda: It’s because the fucker knows exactly what’ll happen once Edelgard finds out. And now, neither of you are ever going to live this down.

Edelgard: Hilda Valentine Goneril.

Edelgard: You have done me a great service.

Hilda: Damn right I have. And I expect compensation.

Edelgard: Alright don’t push it.

Edelgard: So, @Claude…

[Claude has left the group chat]

[Dimitri has left the group chat]

Lysithea: Get your ass back here, Claude.

Felix: Get your ass back here, boar. 

Linhardt: I wish I had a bucket of popcorn because this is better than any movie.

Lysithea: You know, I just remembered that SOMEONE thought it would be a good idea to make ME admin.

[Lysithea has added Claude to the group chat]

[Lysithea has changed Claude’s name to Hypocrite]

Hypocrite: Alright, you know what. YOU KNOW WHAT.

Edelgard: What, dear hypocrite?

Edelgard: Did you forget that we house leaders instituted a pact: In the name of maintaining friendly competition between our classes, none of us would engage in a serious relationship with one another?

Edelgard: Do you recall the penalty we agreed on?

Hypocrite: How about we discuss Edelgard’s kinks? That sure sounds fun!

Lorenz: You’re adorable when you get desperate. 

Hypocrite: C’mon, Lorenz! Help a guy out!

Hilda: I wouldn’t worry too much, babe. I can always expose Edelgard if she takes the teasing too far. 

Edelgard: Excuse me?

Lysithea: She wasn’t kidding about having dirt on everyone. 

Hypocrite: I KNEW you still loved me!!

Hilda: ‘Course I do! I just also love Lys, and you teased her first.

Hilda: I had to defend her honor. Eye for an eye. It’s what you taught me after all. ;)

Hypocrite: They grow up so fast.

Hilda: We’re the information brokers of Garreg Mach. Nothing will  _ ever _ split us up.

Raphael: Girl Power!

Raphael: I can say that, right? As a guy?

Leonie: I mean, it doesn’t really apply to right now...

Hypocrite: Fuck yeah he can say it. GIRL POWER!

Rapheal: GIRL POWER!

Leonie: Sure. Whatever.

Ashe: Wow. Everyone in that class really IS a child at heart.

Ashe: I thought Ignatz was exaggerating.

Ignatz: I don’t think it would have been possible for me to exaggerate.

Hubert: @Hilda What’s this about having dirt on Her Majesty?

Hilda: Never you mind, dear! ;)

Hubert: I  _ absolutely _ mind.

Edelgard: It’s fine Hubert. Fair is fair. Besides, I decided that pact meant jackshit when  _ I _ fucked Claude.

Annette: HOLY

Annette: FRICKIN’

Annette: MOLEY

Mercedes: My, my! This  _ has _ gotten interesting!

Sylvain: Please, tell us more. 

Hubert: You don’t need to lie, Your Majesty. If you want to dispel the pact you don’t need a reason.

Dorothea: Hubie, she really isn’t kidding. 

Hubert: You speak for Her Majesty now? I know she would never do something so brazen and avoid telling me about it.

Edelgard: …

Hubert: Edelgard?

Edelgard: Claude and I had sex. I’m not kidding. 

Hypocrite: She’s telling the truth, man.

Hubert: …

Petra: You really were not aware?

Hubert: …

Linhardt: I was under the impression that our whole house knew about it.

Petra: It was never, how do you say it? On the down low.

Hubert: …

Ferdinand: I am sorry to be the one to tell you dear, but Edelgard made quite a big deal about it. She claimed it was her “greatest conquest” at the time.

Hypocrite: Ouch. When you put it  _ that _ way… Sheesh. 

Hilda: @Edelgard. Excuse the motherfuck out of you. “Conquest”? 

Lysithea: You treated our boyfriend like a piece of fucking property?!

Marianne: Edelgard. That’s... incredibly messed up.

Edelgard: I… I was out of line. 

Lorenz: I am the only one who gets to treat Claude that way. 

Lorenz: With his consent.

Lorenz: And on very special occasions.

Leonie: We get it, Lorenz. 

Raphael: You disrespect ONE of us, you disrespect ALL of us!

Ignatz: Fear the Deer, baby.

Ferdinand: Sweet Goddess, Edelgard, what have you unleashed. 

Edelgard: I APOLOGIZE. I’m sorry, Claude.

Edelgard: I look back on that day with shame! I never should have said something so awful. Can we please put this behind us?

Hypocrite: It’s all good, Your Highness. ;)   
Hypocrite: Stand down, my deadly deer.

Hilda: If you say so, commander.

Leonie: ‘Kay. 

Lysithea: I’ll be watching you, Your Majesty.

Marianne: We can move on as long as we recognize and learn from our mistakes. :)

Bernadetta: Guys.

Bernadetta: Can we put this on hold?

Bernadetta: I think we broke Hubert.

Caspar: Nah. Hubert  _ does _ the breaking, not the other way around. 

Caspar: We just gotta snap him out of it.

Linhardt: Caspar is actually correct. 

Linhardt: We simply need something to shock him back to our reality.

Linhardt: @Raphael?

Raphael: Yo!

Linhardt: I need you to go to Hubert’s room, and bring him to me. Break down the door if you must. 

Raphael: I’m your man!

Linhardt: Just give me a minute. I need to prepare a few things. 

Caspar: Oh boy, Lin’s gone full mad scientist mode. 

Ashe: I hope he puts on the lab coat!

Ashe: He looks so hot in that thing.

Bernadetta: It does look dreamy on him, doesn’t it?

Ignatz: The coat certainly accentuates his figure.

Ignatz: Quite nicely, I might add!

Linhardt: You can thirst after me once I reawaken the Black Eagle demon. 

Ferdinand: And how, prey tell, are you going to do that?

Linhardt: By triggering an unpleasant memory.

Annette: Um, if I could cut in…

Annette: What kind of memory are we talking about?

Linhardt: When he almost drowned at the beach.

Linhardt: I shall simulate the experience by having Raphael dump a bucket of water on his head.

Ferdinand: Pardon, what?

Linhardt: Success!

Caspar: Lin. 

Caspar: I’m not a science major, but I'm pretty sure that would’ve worked anyway.

Raphael: SOS. SOOOOOS.

Leonie: What the fuck is he doing to Raph?!

Linhardt: Nothing too bad. Just his typical menacing scowl.

Ignatz: Goddess that’s a relief. 

Linhardt: So far.

Raphael: SHITSHITSHIT

Raphael: someone hide me

Hypocrite: Location!

Raphael: i don’t effing know i’m just running

Leonie: I WILL have Hubert’s head if he hurts my Raph!

Hubert: THERE IS WATER ALL OVER ME

Hubert: WHY IS THERE WATER ALL OVER ME

Mercedes: Hehe! Your classes are so fun! Maybe even more fun than ours.

Dedue: I don’t believe running in fear of death is considered fun.

Petra: It is under specific circumstances. 

Hypocrite: Cir—cum—stances.

Dedue: I did not think my opinion of you could sink any lower.

Dedue: I see now that I was wrong.

Hypocrite: I will pun until the day I die. 

Hypocrite: Hell, I’ll be punning in the afterlife because you better  _ believe _ that my tombstone will have one on it!

Linhardt: Okay, good news first.

Linhardt: Hubert has no memory of anything between when Edelgard brought up her affair and when Raphael dropped water on him.

Linhardt: So Raphael, you’re safe.

Raphael: Thank fuck, I was about to say screw it and jump out the nearest window.

Linhardt: Now for the bad news.

Linhardt: @Edelgard.

Linhardt: I know he is technically your retainer. But Hubert  _ may _ actually kill you.

Dorothea: Not if I have anything to say about it. 

Petra: He is overreacting. We will have to calm him down. 

Raphael: Even if he is dating both of you, I do NOT advise getting within 50 feet of him.

Hubert: Your.  _ Majesty _ . 

Edelgard: Say what you must, Hubert. 

Hubert: Do you have…  **any** idea how much damage control I would’ve had to do if this got out?

Hubert: Do you have an  **inkling** of how big a scandal it would be?

Hubert: Did you  **ever** stop to think about what that could mean for MY sanity?

Edelgard: Hubert. I’m dating two women. I’m dating  _ you _ . I’m in an open relationship. Everything about my private life could easily become a scandal. 

Hypocrite: I mean, shit, same here. Then again, there are already SO many rumors about me, it probably doesn’t matter. 

Hubert: Thats- I- Why- This- Fuck-

Edelgard: Yes Hubert  _ von Vestra _ . You’ve fucked your future emperor multiple times. Think about that. 

Hubert: ...

Hubert: I need to lie down.

[Hubert has left the group chat]

[Dimitri has joined the group chat]

Dimitri: I can’t say I’m sorry I missed all of that.

Dimitri: But, well, it’s definitely the same for me. About the scandals, I mean.

Hypocrite: Aw hell, who cares so long as you got us, Dima? ;)

Dimitri: My countrymen, for starters.

Ingrid: Not  _ all  _ your countrymen.

Sylvain: Or have you forgotten about the ones you’re in love with?

Felix: I’m the only one who gets to hate you, boar. Remember that.

Dimitri: Thank you. :)

Felix: Yeah whatever. 

Sylvain: You’re precious, Fe.

Felix: I will destroy you. 

Hypocrite: How about you destroy both of us? ;)

Sylvain: You can choke me if you want, babe. ;)

Ingrid: At least things are back on track. 

Ingrid: Even if that track is running through hell. 

Lysithea: Before I get too used to it…

[Lysithea has changed Hypocrite’s name to Claude.]

Claude: Thanks baby.

Lysithea: Yeah, yeah. 

Sylvain: Someone please say we’re going to start using this chat the way it’s intended. 

Petra: Soon. Some of us should be making sure Hubert is okay. 

Dorothea: Right behind you, love. 

Ferdinand: I will go as well. 

Edelgard: I’m going too. I need to make sure he doesn’t do anything  _ drastic _ . 


	2. C O M M U N I C A T E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A needed conversation that ends with a long awaited plan.

Ultimate Eagles

—Saturday, 11:00 a.m.—

Linhardt: I’ve done my daily quota of helping for the day.

Caspar: Yeah, but, I can’t help worrying about Hubert. He’s never been that… defeated before.

Petra: I too am finding it surprising that he is capable of displaying such emotions.

Bernadetta: Petra!  
Bernadetta: Have you and the others talked to him yet?

Petra: I am afraid not.

Ferdinand: He will not open his door, no matter how many times we knock!  
Ferdinand: @Hubert, dearest, please speak to us!

Edelgard: @Hubert von Vestra I know you’re getting all these messages.  
Edelgard: Talk to us. Please.

Dorothea: Darling, I WILL start belting the entirety of Phantom of the Opera if you don’t say something.

Hubert: That will actually drive me to drink.

Petra: He speaks!

Dorothea: Now if only he’d talk to us in person.  
Dorothea: Y’know, communicate. Like people in healthy relationships.

Hubert: There isn’t going to be a relationship anymore. At least, not one with me in it.

Bernadetta: WAT

Caspar: Oh fuuuu  
Caspar: Should I come down there?

Ferdinand: Hold, Caspar. The situation isn’t as dire as all that.

Dorothea: Actually, it is. Because if Hubert thinks he can break up with us over text he is sorely mistaken.

Hubert: Try to stop me.

Petra: Are you certain you are making the right decision if you cannot look any of us in the eye?

Hubert: It’s easier this way.

Ferdinand: Oh my Goddess you over dramatic goth.

Edelgard: Can you at least tell us why you’re ending things?

Hubert: Isn’t it obvious? It was foolish and cavalier of me to think we could recreate without consequences.  
Hubert: I jeopardize your future by indulging in this… selfish affair.

Linhardt: It’s never a good sign when he gets more verbose.

Petra: That does not explain breaking up with me or Dorothea.

Ferdinand: Or me.

Hubert: As Her Majesty’s retainer, I can not afford to concern myself with anyone else. The more time I spend with you people, the more likely it is that I’ll neglect my duties.

Dorothea: Hubie. That is, without a doubt, the dumbest string of words that has ever left your mouth.

Caspar: Yeah! Dumb words are my job!

Linhardt: Well said, Caspar.

Bernadetta: It might not be my place to say, but I don’t think being a retainer means you can’t have your own life.

Ferdinand: Agreed! Even Dedue makes time to date Mercedes, Annette, and Ashe.

Edelgard: Well, if that’s the way he feels we’ll simply have to accept it.  
Edelgard: Hubert. You are hereby dismissed from my service.

Hubert: …

Dorothea: Does that make you feel any better?

Caspar: Whoa, whoa, maybe we should all just calm down.

Linhardt: I have to agree. Making emotional decisions almost never ends well.  
Linhardt: I’m speaking as the emotionally-stunted voice of reason, here.

Hubert: With all due respect, Your Majesty, you can’t dismiss me.

Edelgard: I’m fairly certain I just did. Now, worrying about my reputation isn’t your job.

Hubert: ...

Petra: He is opening the door!  
Petra: We must go quiet radio while we have a discussion.

Linhardt: It’s radio silent, but whatever. Go.

Ferdinand: Is this what a panic attack feels like?

Bernadetta: Welcome to my world!  
Bernadetta: Take deep breaths, and hold onto someone. You’ll get through it.

—Saturday, 1:00 p.m.—

Caspar: Hello?  
Caspar: @Edelgard @Petra @Ferdinand @Dorothea?  
Caspar: How’s it going??

Bernadetta: Oh I’m so anxious! Even more than usual!!!

Dorothea: There was a lot of crying and screaming, but we’re doing alright at the moment.

Ferdinand: Edelgard reminded our darling Hubert that she is responsible for her own decisions.  
Ferdinand: She told Hubert that it is her choice to be with him, and that nothing can change her mind on the matter.

Petra: We are all hugging now.  
Petra: We will return after the making up is concluded.  
Petra: The healing has begun. Thank you all for the support.

—Saturday, 2:00 p.m.—

Dorothea: Hey.

Caspar: Yeah?  
Caspar: What’s going on?

Bernadetta: Are all of you okay now???

Ferdinand: All is well.  
Ferdinand: Nevertheless, Edelgard and Petra will be staying with Hubert for the day.

Dorothea: Goddess, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I could just pass out!

Linhardt: As the world’s leading authority on sleep, I find the best way to manage stress is through relaxation and decompressing.

Dorothea: Maybe, but there are other ways to deal with stress.  
Dorothea: You see, now that everything’s back to normal, there’s something very important Ferdie and I have been meaning to ask you.

Ferdinand: Why must you drag me into this?

Dorothea: Because you won’t make any moves on your own.  
Dorothea: And you’re in denial. XD

Ferdinand: Goddess, wait, tell me this is NOT about what I think it is. Please.

Bernadetta: What’s this about?

Dorothea: Would you consider allowing us to watch one of your harem nights?

Caspar: O.O

Bernadetta: I… I’m not breathing.

Ferdinand: Neither am I.

Linhardt: Interesting.  
Linhardt: Allow me to confer with Caspar and Bernadetta.

Caspar: “INTERESTING”  
Caspar: That’s your response to that?!

Bernadetta: Um. Is it bad if I say that sounds… Kinda hot?

Caspar: I mean, you watch us all the time, babe. But Ashe and Iggy are used to you.  
Caspar: I dunno…  
Caspar: And @Dorothea I understand why YOU want in on this, but why @Ferdinand?

Ferdinand: …

Dorothea: He’s not as much of a gentleman as he likes to think he is.  
Dorothea: Ferdie has a type. Y’know Hubie and Lorenz - strapping gentlemen.  
Dorothea: But he’s alwaaaays had a certain curiosity for...feminine boys. ;)

Ferdinand: I will pay you good money to stop.

Caspar: Oh dude, you too?  
Caspar: They’re the BEST, right?!

Ferdinand: This is not a conversation we are going to have. Ever.

Bernadetta: Okay, I might pass out after typing this, but hear me out.  
Bernadetta: So, usually Cas or Lin, uh, does me and then I watch for the rest of it. But, what if I… did stuff with Ferdie and Dorothy. Then you guys could… Put on a show?

Linhardt: I’m not opposed, so long as I get three hours of sleep beforehand.

Caspar: And I call dibs on doing Bernie!

Bernadetta: ajkkjdhkjakfhkjashfkj  
Bernadetta: shouldn’t we ask ashe and ignatz first?

Linhardt: Right. I’ll call them and see if they’re agreeable.

Dorothea: This is IT, Ferdie! All your dreams are about to come true!

Ferdinand: I will give you everything I own if you do not make a pun out of that.

Dorothea: Wasn’t gonna, but now that you mentioned it~  
Dorothea: That won’t be the only thing that’ll be coming! XD

Ferdinand: Sometimes I do not know if I love you or hate you.

Dorothea: Ingrid says the same thing all the time. I know you both adore me.

Caspar: Hey, as long as you don’t pull that kinda crap when we get down to business we’ll be fine.

Dorothea: Awww, do Ashe and Ignatz not talk dirty?

Caspar: Eh, it’s not that Ashe doesn’t want to… more that he likes it when others do it.  
Caspar: Iggy will actually combust if you ask him to say anything dirty.

Ferdinand: Well it appears we have a problem. I know for a fact Dorothea has trouble shutting up in these types of situations.

Dorothea: Nice try, Ferdie. I can control myself if the situation calls for it.

Ferdinand: Are you quite sure?

Dorothea: P o s i t i v e .

Linhardt: They’re alright with the arrangements. We can meet three hours from now in Caspar’s dorm.

Caspar: We used mine last time!

Linhardt: [allmyfriendsareheathens.jpg]  
Linhardt: In case you forgot, my room is a disaster zone.

Bernadetta: Oh gosh, I don’t know if I’m freaked out, or excited, or… I don’t know!

Caspar: We’ll stop if you get uncomfortable.

Bernadetta: You always do. <3

Dorothea: Dawwww! <3

Linhardt: If we’re done here, I’d like to get to sleep now. I suggest the rest of you do the same.  
Linhardt: By the way @Caspar?

Caspar: Yeah Lin?

Linhardt: Tell our boys to wear the lingerie; it’s a special occasion after all.

Ferdinand: WAit wHat  
__


	3. Wait, What the Fuck??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Hilda needs to get some & Felix is fucking done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was almost TOO much fun.

Golden Memes

—Sunday, 7:00 a.m.—

Claude: So… Tea party, anyone?

Lorenz: No.

Claude: What?! It’s just tea!

Lorenz: I know you don’t mean just tea. I refuse to go through the trouble of planning one just so it can become  _ another _ orgy. 

Hilda: You say that like it’s a bad thing. 

Hilda: It’s been such a long time since all of us got together!

Raphael: She has a point, man. 

Marianne: It… might be nice.

Lorenz: Not you too.

Leonie: You’re such a wet blanket, Lorenz.

Leonie: Get that stick out of your ass!

Claude: Yeah! Just think of all the other things you could have up there instead. ;)

Lorenz: Siiiiiiigh.

Lorenz: That was predictable.

Claude: You know it made ya smile! :)

Lysithea: HELP ME

Raphael: @Lysithea What’s the sitch?!

Lysithea: I can’t explain. Someone just get to the teacher’s lounge. PLEASE

Lorenz: Do I even want to know why you’re in there?

Lysithea: Mistakes were made. I’m not… Presentable enough to leave on my own.

Leonie: OH MY GODDESS

Marianne: Say no more.

Marianne: @Hilda We’ll be right there!

Hilda: Naughty, naughty, Lys. Just the way I like it. ;)

Raphael: Woooooooow

Claude: Wait. WAIT. Was Annette involved?

Lysithea: What do YOU think?

Lysithea: PLEASE just get over here with some clothes!

Lorenz: Did you go there without any clothing?!

Lysithea: …

Lysithea: None that I’d like anyone to see me wearing. EVER.

Claude: Oh sweet fuck. We’re on our way.

Lorenz: I’m glad to know THAT is what motivates you into helping your romantic partner.

Hilda: You think I’m only going out of the goodness of my heart?

Lorenz: I made the mistake of thinking you were a compassionate human being.

Lorenz: My apologies; it won’t happen again.

Marianne: Oh Dear Goddess. 

Marianne: We all love Lys. They just happen to really enjoy seeing her in certain attire. 

Lysithea: AHEM.

Lysithea: HELP

Lysithea: PLEASE

Claude: We’re almost there!

Leonie: Uh, I can play distraction if need be. 

Hilda: @Leonie Need be.

—Sunday, 7:30 a.m.—

Raphael: So…

Raphael: I think it’s safe to say that Lys takes the whole “teacher thing”  _ waaaaay _ too far.

Leonie: That has to be the skimpiest school girl outfit I have ever seen.

Marianne: I think it looked… kind of cute.

Marianne: Sorry, I’m probably not helping the situation.

Lorenz: Why would she go into the lounge dressed like that???

Lysithea: @Lorenz “She” can read your texts.

Lysithea: It was dark. We thought it was a classroom. 

Claude: Don’t kink shame, Lorenz. Especially not when you have a thing for butlers. 

Lorenz: I- That was ONE time!

Hilda: Of course, Milord. Whatever you say, sir. 

Lorenz: WHY do I associate with you people?!

Raphael: You say “you people” like you aren’t part of the group.

Hilda: [FerdinandPutsMostButlersToShame.jpg]

Lorenz: You..

Lorenz: You are all terrible.

Hilda: In all the right ways, baby.

Leonie: Boy acting like he didn’t screenshot that image. 

Marianne: Okay. That’s enough about butlers for one day. 

Lorenz: Thank you!

Claude: Next time Lorenz, it will take more than a sweet girl to save you!

Lorenz: Ugh. Can we talk about something else? Anything else?

Leonie: That’s pretty broad…

Leonie: And if I know Claude…

Claude: >:)

Lysithea: Is sex really ALL you think about?

Claude: You wanna go there after what just happened? 

Lysithea: Excuse you, at least I’m not regaling you with tales of what I did last night!

Hilda: You should, though. In private, at least. 

Lysithea: You are all insatiable.

Lysithea: But… fine. LATER.

Marianne: Thank the Goddess.

Marianne: I’m so relieved that we’ve finally calmed down.

Raphael: You have to admit this chat is at its funniest when everyone gets riled up.

Marianne: I suppose…

Hilda: I think it’s real purpose is to give Lorenz an aneurysm.

Leonie: True!

Lorenz: Someone save me.

Leonie: Iggy just messaged me. Gotta go.

Raphael: I’ll go with!

Marianne: Oh, that’s right. Where has Ignatz been?

Leonie: Getting wrecked. The usual. 

Mariane: That’s the “usual”?

Raphael: He can explain later. ;)

Raphael: We have to carry him back to his room.

Claude: Color me interested…

Lorenz: You are a sex fiend.

Hilda: Again, you say it like it’s a bad thing.

Lorenz: How are you not failing any classes?

Lysithea: …

Lysithea: That is actually a good question.

Claude: Every leader has their secrets. ;p

—Saturday, 12:00 p.m.—

Hilda: I need a quickie before lunch ends. Who’s down?

Lysithea: Wh- What?!

Lysithea: SERIOUSLY?!

Hilda: Seriously. 

Lorenz: As Lysithe said: insatiable.

Hilda: Listen here you two, I haven’t gotten any in, like, two days because of assignments. Help a girl out.

Lysithea: I think Marianne’s busy…

Lorenz: According to Leonie, Ignatz is still out of commission.

Hilda: And that means she and Raph are busy doting on him. 

Lorenz: Please. Doting is  _ my _ area of expertise.

Lorenz: Regardless, just ask Claude.

Hilda: Whatever! Look, I can’t fuck Claude.

Lysithea: Why?

Hilda: Because there is no way that will end up being a quickie.

Lorenz: …True enough.

Hilda: I’m going to die of horniness.

Lorenz: This is actually quite funny.

Lorenz: You’re horny, and everyone is either busy or sexed-out.

Hilda: Wait a minute. The 3 houses chat was  _ made _ for this!

Lysithea: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Lysithea: JUST when I thought we were going to start using it like a NORMAL chat.

You Know What This Is (wink)

Hilda: Who here is down for a five minute fuck?

Dimitri: jkhwefvpiw

Felix: You made the boar spit his drink on his laptop. 

Felix: Thank you for that.

Ingrid: This chat was never going to be normal, was it?

Annette: I mean, wow. Just. I got nothing.

Lorenz: I asked our Lady Seiros for one day,  _ just _ one, where the topic of conversation isn’t intercourse. But she has forsaken me.

Sylvain: Where are you? I can be there in a minute.

Ingrid: Why am I not surprised.

Felix: If that surprised you, I would question your intelligence.

Leonie: Wait wait wait.

Leonie: @Hilda what the fuck?

Ingrid: Phrasing.

Hilda: You KNOW what the fuck! It’s about HOW I’m getting fucked. 

Hilda: @Sylvain I’m in my class’ common room.

Leonie: You have two perfectly good hands and ten fingers. USE them.

Hilda: Leonie, dear. Remember that time when you and half our class…

Leonie: I RETRACT MY STATEMENT. 

Linhardt: On days like these, I wonder why I even bother waking up.

Leonie: You railed Iggy last night. Don’t pretend to be virtuous. 

Linhardt: I claim no virtue. Only Ignatz’ ass

Mercedes: Let’s not fight! Also, @Hilda, I’m almost there.

Annette: How the fu-

Annette: You were right next to me a second ago!

Bernadetta: I’m with @Linhardt on this.

Bernadetta: Why do we have to use this chat for hookups? :|

Dorothea: We could make another chat specifically for hooking up.

Felix: Fuck that. It’s not worth it.

Felix: I’ve resigned myself to this fate.

Sylvain: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. 

Sylvain: Hey, Mercie’s here too!

Hilda: Thank. The Goddess.

Ingrid: This chat makes me question my sanity.

Lorenz: It’s okay, that means you’re still human.

Claude: Okay, let me just say, there is no way there isn’t plenty of hooking up going on in the Blue Lions or Black Eagle House chat. 

Linhardt: We all know that Ashe is a pimp at this point.

Dimitri: akjnpovmineiv 

Felix: Holy fuck, the face he’s making. 

Felix: [boar.jpg]

Felix: I’ve changed my mind about this chat.

Leonie: PFFFFFFFT. 

Claude: Wow, Dima. I thought only tomatoes could get  _ that _ red.

Dimitri: I-I… WHY DIDN’T HILDA JUST ASK YOU?

Claude: I’m incapable of quickies.

Claude: I’ll show you why later, Dima. ;)

Felix: HE JUST KEEPS GETTING REDDER. 

Lysithea: The one time Dedue isn’t here to defend his honor.

Leonie: And this is why it’s better to live without shame.

—Saturday, 3:45 p.m.—

Claude: My girlfriends are gorgeous. That is all.

Annette: I mean… Nobody’s denying that.

Claude: You don’t understand. They’re not just pretty faces. They’re beautiful as  _ people _ . 

Claude: Can you name a soul more gentle than Marianne? I don’t think so.

Linhardt: Bernadetta. Ignatz.

Annette: Mercie. 

Claude: And Lysithea’s devotion to doing what she loves is just… Inspiring.

Linhardt: You’re just going to ignore that, aren’t you.

Felix: Dare I ask what brought this on?

Claude: Not to mention Hilda’s charm: she knows how to work people better than I do sometimes. 

Annette: Is he just going to keep ignoring us?

Annette: What is he even doing?

Dedue: Perhaps he has lost his mind.

Claude: Oh I can read you all loud and clear. I just needed to finish gushing about those three. 

Linhardt: You’re up to something.

Claude: No scheming here my good man. We went on a date today, and they made me fall even more in love with them. That’s it.

Felix: I think I may vomit.

Felix: I prefer the NSFW shit to this.

Mercedes: That. Is. Precious.

Felix: Oh Goddess, what have you done von Riegan.

Mercedes: And as long as we’re gushing about our partners—Annie did the sweetest thing yesterday!

Felix: Why

Mercedes: Because it’s cute. Now hush and let me gush.

Mercedes: We went book shopping in town square and she wouldn’t stop holding my hand. Even when we were carrying things.

Felix: NO MORE

Annette: Aw, Mercie! I just hate it when we get separated in the crowd. 

Mercedes: <3

Claude: You two are just the most darling of couples!

Annette: This isn’t a specific moment, but Dedue lets me borrow his lap whenever I ask. And I ask A LOT.

Felix: STOP WATERBOARDING MY SOUL

Linhardt: Caspar carries me to class when I’m too tired to move. It’s wonderful. 

Felix: SWEET DEATH CLAIM ME

Dedue: Mercedes and Annette’s culinary skills have greatly improved with guidance from myself and Ashe. I could not be prouder of how far they’ve come.

Felix: TRULY THIS IS HELL

Ingrid: Oh, but Felix, you can be quite the sweetheart when you think nobody's looking. 

Ingrid: Or should I say… Fe. ;)

[Felix has left the group chat]

Claude: @Lysithea

Lysithea: I watched the whole thing. I’m on it.

[Lysithea has added Felix to the group chat]

Felix: damn you

Felix: damn you all to hell and back

Sylvain: You know what the best mornings for me and Ingrid are?

Claude: Do tell!

Felix:  **07904289309067479245**

Ingrid: Holy-

Ingrid: Holy shit.

Ingrid: I just looked over… Felix actually destroyed his phone.

Annette: OHMYFUCK I’m dying!!

Sylvain: Welp. That’s  _ his _ headache, not ours. The best mornings are when Felix won’t stop hug adkjifopiutslhugvrew

Ingrid: Goddess preserve me. I have a fight to break up.

Dedue: I judged this chat too quickly. Clearly, it has redeeming qualities. 

Linhardt: That was incredible. I’m actually glad I was awake for that. 

Caspar: What have I missed

Caspar: Aw.

Caspar: holy baby seiros 

Caspar: HAHAHAHAHAHA

__


	4. Blue Lion Movie Night!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why Ingrid is the mother and not Mercie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of a character dealing with trauma.

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

—Saturday, 5:15 p.m.—

Dimitri: So, I’m guessing Felix isn’t going to be in any of these for a while.

Ingrid: He took a hammer to his cellphone. You tell me.

Annette: Speaking of Felix, did he finally kill Sylvain?

Ingrid: No. Their fights have only ended one way since they started dating.

Dimitri: Which would be…?

Ingrid: Take a wild guess.

Annette: It’s pretty obvious.

Dimitri: Ah. I see.

Ashe: Can someone help me with an assignment? It’s for Professor Hanneman’s class.

Annette: Sure thing! Where are you?

Ashe: My room.

Annette: Be right there. <3

Ashe: Thanks, babe. <3

Mercedes: Sometimes, I see the two of them together, and their combined cuteness hits me so hard I can’t breath. 

Ingrid: They are adorable, aren’t they?

Mercedes: You don’t know the half of it!

Dimitri: I was half expecting Felix to show up and end the fluff fest. Honestly, it’s just weird that he isn’t here. 

Mercedes: Aww, do you miss him?

Mercedes: Wait. Oh. Oh Dimitri. 

Dimitri: Did I say something strange...?

Ingrid: I’m not one to initiate things like this, but he is giving off that vibe, isn’t he?

Dimitri: W-What vibe???

Mercedes: Never you mind dear. You’re entitled to like whatever you want.

Ingrid: Right.

Dimitri: No, not right! What’s going on?!

Mercedes: Well, I’m off. Dedue’s helping me make another Duscur recipe today. It’s a spice cake. 

Ingrid: Sounds delicious! I should go check on those two—make sure they haven’t broken anything. 

Dimitri: WAIT

Dimitri: What vibe???!!! 

—Saturday, 7:00 p.m.—

Sylvain: Should I or should I not tell him?

Dedue: It would probably be best to let His Highness come to his own conclusions. 

Sylvain: Gotcha. 

Sylvain: So about that cake.

Dedue: There’s plenty in the common room. You’re welcome to have some.

Sylvain: Nice. 

—Sunday, 6:00 a.m.—

Sylvain: MOVIE NIGHT. 

Annette: Holy heck you’re so right.

Ingrid: What the hell?

Annette: It’s been _way_ too long since we had a Lion Movie Night. 

Sylvain: We had them all the time when the semester started. Frick school for taking such a sacred practice away. 

Annette: I miss the bullshit existentialism and deadpan cynicism.

Ingrid: Didn’t those nights always end in arguments that had nothing to do with what we were watching?

Ingrid: I distinctly recall you and Sylvain fighting about physics during My Little Pony.

Sylvain: Good times.

Annette: For the record, I totally won that argument.

Sylvain: ExCuSe YoU.

Annette: HOW COULD SHE TRAVEL THAT MANY SQUARE MILES ON FOOT AND GET THERE BEFORE SOMEONE WHO FUCKING FLIES?

Sylvain: YOU’RE ASSUMING SHE HAS A REMOTELY NORMAL BASE SPEED. FUCK ASSUMPTIONS.

Ingrid: I will ban both of you if this continues for so much as one more line. 

Annette: Sorry, Ingrid.

Sylvain: Sorry, mom. 

Ingrid: ^^^ Miss me with that bullshit. If anyone here is a mom, it’s Mercedes. 

Annette: Yeah, no. She may look like it at first glance, but no. 

Ingrid: Do I want to know what you’re hinting at?

Sylvain: I sure as shit do. 

Annette: You know, I’m just sooo tired all of a sudden. See you at a decent hour!

Sylvain: Get back here coward.

Ingrid: I’m scared and relieved at the same time.

—Sunday, 7:00 a.m.—

Dimitri: nightmare

Ashe: shit, man. Talk or text?

Dimitri: talk

Ashe: On my way. 

Ashe: Can I bring someone else?

Dimitri: whatever

Ashe: fuck that’s bad

Ashe: @Sylvain @Ingrid

Sylvain: They’re both asleep what

Sylvain: Seiros fuck I’m coming.

Dimitri: felix?

Sylvain: Unfortunately yes. Don’t do anything stupid. 

Dedue: Should I also…?

Dimitri: please

Dedue: Understood.

—Sunday, 11:00 a.m.—

Mercedes: @Dimitri

Mercedes: How are you doing?

Dedue: We managed to convince His Highness to get some sleep. 

Ingrid: Goddess I should have been there. 

Mercedes: Ingrid, you can’t watch your phone all night every night. 

Ingrid: Still...

Dedue: His Highness is alright. That’s what matters most. 

Ashe: If Dimitri’s up for it, we should have a movie night today. It might help everyone de-stress. 

Mercedes: Ooh! I can bake cookies.

Ashe: Yes and please. 

Sylvain: Any requests?

Ingrid: NOT High School Musical.

Annette: Amen to that.

Sylvain: Whaaaa?  
Sylvain: You don’t know what you’re talking about! HSM is _classic_ cinema!

Ingrid: No “adult films” either.

Sylvain: Eh, Felix threw all those out. You’re spared.

Ingrid: Remind me to kiss him later.

Mercedes: OH! I know! How about Bridget Jones’ Diary!

Annette: Mercie.

Annette: I love you, but you ALWAYS want to watch that.

Sylvain: Felix says we should watch Saw. The first one. Please tell me no one else wants that.

Dedue: Absolutely not.

  
Annette: Ew, no.

Ingrid: Not happening

Ashe: I’ll pass.

Mercedes: That sounds lovely!

Ingrid: Dear Goddess, is this what you meant earlier, Annette?

Annette: No. 

Annette: You’ll understand one day.

Ingrid: That’s not ominous or anything.

Ashe: We could always just watch Princess Bride?

Ingrid: That sounds perfect!

Annette: Ashe you are my savior and I love you.

Sylvain: You’re all nerds and I love you.

—Sunday, 12:00 p.m.—

Annette: I have a theory. 

Dedue: I’m concerned. 

Sylvain: I’ll just go ahead and set fire to the monastery. Save you the trouble. 

Dedue: Good afternoon, Felix. 

Annette: Why do you still have Sylvain’s phone?

Sylvain: Because he can’t stop me from taking it. 

Annette: Anyway, my theory doesn’t involve chemicals. This time. 

Annette: Maybe Ingrid is blind to Mercie’s… “tendencies” because she’s too much of a gentlewoman.

Ashe: Is gentlewoman a word?

Ashe: Huh. It actually is.

Sylvain: How could it not be in a world where Ingrid exists?

Dedue: Did Felix Hugo Fraldarius just compliment someone???

Sylvain: It’s just a statement of fact.

Annette: Anyway! I need help setting something up to confirm my hypothesis.

Annette: I’m going to need one of you to sneak some… Items of a particular nature out of Mercie’s room and put them in Ingrid’s room. She already gave me permission to take them, so everything’s cool. 

Dedue: And then what?

Annette: When Mercie comes looking for her stuff, I’ll direct her to Ingrid’s room.

Annette: Ingrid will then be made to see Mercedes’... other side. 

Sylvain: Of course this all depends upon Ingrid being in her room at the right time.

Annette: @Sylvain Can you handle that?

Sylvain: Siiiiiiiigh

Sylvain: Fine. I’ll do what I can. For no reason other than morbid curiosity.

Dedue: I pray that Ingrid survives this encounter...

Ashe: So do I. Her chivalrous heart may not be able to handle it.

—Sunday, 1:00 p.m.—

Ingrid: Never in my life have I seen such a wide assortment of whips.

Dimitri: WHAT.

Ingrid: I-

Ingrid: Just-

Ingrid: Never mind. Are you feeling any better?

Dimitri: I… Suppose so.

Ingrid: Need anything, darling?

Dimitri: Just all of you. :)

Dimitri: I’ve been looking forward to tonight.

Ingrid: You okay with being touched?

Ingrid: Nothing sexual, I just really want to hold you.

Dimitri: I think so.

Dimitri: Thank you for asking.

Ingrid: I always will. 

Ingrid: I’m just… Sorry I wasn’t there for you earlier. 

Dimitri: Is...

Dimitri: It doesn’t matter.

Ingrid: It _always_ matters, Dima. You always matter.

Ingrid: What’s wrong?

Dimitri: ...is felix disappointed?

Ingrid: In you??? Why would any of us be disappointed?

Dimitri: I don’t know.

Sylvain: Okay. Stop. Stop that shit right now. 

Sylvain: I don’t care whether or not I should be saying this; what the fuck do you think you could have done?

Dimitri: I don’t know.

Ingrid: Felix.

Sylvain: I just… I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself every time this happens. 

Dimitri: I’m sorry.

Sylvain: Stop apologizing! For FUCK’S sake Dimitri, I can’t stand you thinking that I would be disappointed in you for being _traumatized_ like the rest of us. 

Dimitri: Okay.

Sylvain: I

Sylvain: I care about you, damnit.

Ingrid: We all do. 

Dimitri: You don’t have to pretend.

Dimitri: I’ll be fine.

Sylvain: What about me makes you think I’m a convincing actor?

Dimitri: …

Sylvain: Exactly. If I go out of my way to say I give a damn, it’s because I fucking mean it.

Ingrid: You have to take care of yourself, Dima. 

Ingrid: Take your meds and talk to us. Everything will be fine. 

Ingrid: Promise.

Dimitri: thank

Dimitri: Thank you. 

Dimitri: Felix?

Sylvain: Yeah?

Dimitri: Can I… Hug you? Later?

Sylvain: Uh, sure, I guess.

Ingrid: We _love_ you, Dima.

Ingrid: Never forget that, okay?

Dimitri: Okay. 

Dimitri: I love you too.

—Sunday, 7:00 p.m.—

Mercedes: Ingrid, are you alright? You turned bright red and ran away... 

Ingrid: OH EVERYTHING’S FINE NO NEED TO WORRY

Dedue: Everything does not sound fine.

Mercedes: If you’re really alright, why can’t you look me in the eye?

Sylvain: This should be good. By the way, this is the REAL me speaking.

Ashe: Is everybody on their way?

Ashe: I’ve got the projector ready.

Mercedes: I’ll need someone to help me carry all the snacks. 

Annette: I’m your girl @Mercedes! <3

Mercedes: Thank you, love. <3 

Mercedes: Could you help as well, Ingrid?

Sylvain: I need popcorn. 

Ingrid: I’LL

Ingrid: I’ll get popcorn @Sylvain.

Sylvain: You KNOW that is not what I meant.

Mercedes: I wonder why she’s so flustered. It’s not like she saw this:

Mercedes: [toybox.jpg]

Sylvain: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT

Ashe: Dang, that’s just impressive. 

Dedue: Does that harness say, “Mommy’s Little Bitch”?

Ingrid: I am staying in tonight.

Annette: @Ingrid. This is what I was talking about.

Ingrid: Yeah.

Ingrid: Figured that out.

Annette: You just have to accept it. Hell, you might even learn to like it. 

Ingrid: CAN WE NOT?

Annette: All I’m saying is that I didn’t know I was into being tied up before I met Mercie. 

Sylvain: I would very much enjoy being tied up. 

Dimitri: O.O

Dimitri: Alrighty then.

Dedue: Can we _please_ focus on the task at hand?

Dedue: For His Highness’ sake if nothing else. 

Ashe: Right.

Ashe: If you’re not here in five, we’re starting without you!

—Sunday, 10:00 p.m.—

Dimitri: I needed that. 

Dimitri: Can we do this again soon?

Dedue: As you wish.

Sylvain: Are you planning on letting Felix go any time soon?

Dimitri: No.

Sylvain: Pffffffft. 

Annette: ARE THEY HOLDING HANDS?

Ingrid: Awww!

Ingrid: No wait, Fe just flipped me off.

Sylvain: Ingrid. 

Sylvain: Is today the day??

Ingrid: It just might be.

Annette: What? 

Ashe: The day for what?

Sylvain: The day our boyfriends officially get together.

Ashe: Aren’t the four of you already a thing?

Ingrid: Not exactly.

Sylvain: Me and Ingrid are dating Fe and Dima, but they aren’t dating each other. 

Sylvain: YET.

Ingrid: We’ll have to wait and see. Fingers crossed. 

—Monday, 6:00 a.m.—

Dimitri: What the hell have I done. 

Mercedes: Felix?

Mercedes: If you’re using Dimitri’s phone, does that mean…?

Dimitri: ...

Ingrid: YES

Sylvain: OH FUCK YES

Sylvain: CLAUDE OWES ME $20

Dimitri: You bet on me getting with the boar? With CLAUDE??

Dimitri: You are a dead man.

Sylvain: You’ve said that so many times it’s starting to lose its effect. 

Sylvain: OHSHITNNKDBVLJOI

Ingrid: Things are finally back to normal.

Annette: Not entirely. Mommy ;) 

Ingrid: DO I LOOK LIKE MERCEDES TO YOU?

Mercedes: Hehe! 

Annette: Hmmm… You know, that title might actually suit you. 

Ingrid: Nope. 

Ingrid: I am NOT letting either of you give me a mommy kink. Goodnight!

__


	5. Challenge Accepted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Golden Deer attempt to keep things clean for a week. How many ways can this possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strap in. This is a looong one.

Golden Memes

—Monday, 7:00 a.m.—

Lorenz: I have a proposal. If you all can keep this chat _clean_ until the end of the week, I’ll arrange a tea party.

Lysithea: That’s asking a lot.

Hilda: Like, A LOT.

Claude: What are we defining as “not-clean”?

Lysithea: Of course you would have to ask.

Lorenz: I made a list.

Lorenz: No explicit statements about or allusions to intercourse.

Hilda: Obvious enough.

Claude: Of course. What else?

Lorenz: No discussion of kinks.

Hilda: Mhm. Mhm.

Lorenz: No dirty talk.

Lorenz: Absolutely no filthy puns.

Claude: A great challenge, but I will refrain.

Lysithea: We shall see.

Lorenz: No arousing imagery.

Hilda: Question!

Hilda: What do you consider an arousing image?

Lorenz: Anything involving nudity or in relation to a kink.

Claude: What if it isn’t an obvious kink and the image doesn’t _look_ sinful.

Lysithea: What fetish could possibly be that subtle?

Hilda: May I upload an image as an example?

Lorenz: Sigh.

Lorenz: I suppose the arrangement hasn’t started yet.

Hilda: [NotThatSinful.jpg]

Lysithea: That’s just a picture of Marianne.

Claude: Yeah, but notice how her clothes look kind of messed up?

Lysithea: Now that you mention it…

Hilda: She moved them around to hide her bite marks.

Lorenz: I can’t believe I’m questioning this, but what’s the point in a picture where you can’t see anything?

Claude: Knowing something is there that others can’t see is pretty damn alluring.

Lorenz: It’ll be up to my discretion, so post at your own risk.

Hilda: Fiiiiiiine.

Claude: Chin up darling. It’ll all be worth it.

Claude: Any other rules?

Lorenz: No propositioning anyone for intimacy.

Lysithea: @Hilda

Hilda: Yeah, yeah, yeah. My schedule calmed down, so I’m back to being at the top of my game anyway.

Lorenz: References to kissing are fine.

Lysithea: Are you sure about that?

Claude: _Are you sure about that?_

Lorenz: Allow me clarify—saying you would like to kiss someone is fine.

Lorenz: Three strikes against these rules and the party’s off.

Leonie: Whoa whoa whoa.

Leonie: Time out! TIME OUT.

Lysithea: This should be fun.

Leonie: If we’re seriously doing this, I demand we place bets on who’s going to crack. Because _someone_ will.

Hilda: Oooh! Good idea.

Claude: That sounds fair.

Lorenz: I suppose there’s no harm in it. I bet $20 on Claude.

Leonie: Same here!

Hilda: $35 on Leonie.

Leonie: Fuck you too.

Claude: $25 on Raphael.

Leonie: Seriously?

Claude: He’s likely to just blurt something out.

Lysithea: $15 on Hilda.

Marianne: $15 on Leonie.

Marianne: Sorry. :|

Leonie: Even Mari???

Raphael: Uhhhh.

Raphael: $20 on Hilda.

Ignatz: Um, $15 on Hilda.

Hilda: Awww, are you all underestimating me?

Lorenz: Yes. You’re Claude’s partner in crime.

Lysithea: You also live to expose people.

Hilda: Fair enough.

Lorenz: Everything above applies to the 3 Houses chat as well.

Leonie: I figured.

Claude: Is that everything, dungeon master?

Lorenz: Actually… No. You have to keep our common room clean as well.

Hilda: Whaaaaaaat?!

Ignatz: I can’t see this going well.

Claude: Lorenz, man, be reasonable.

Lorenz: I _am_ being reasonable.

Lysithea: So, like, we aren’t allowed to even look debauched in the common room?

Claude: Oooh, you’re really bad at that, Lys. I can tell if you got some just by glancing in your direction.

Lysithea: I can tell you who’s NOT getting any for a month.

Leonie: Daaaayum. Leader fucked up.

Marianne: We’ll try our best. That’s all that matters.

—Monday, 8:00 a.m.—

Lorenz: Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long.

Hilda: It’s been AN HOUR. Have a little faith.

Lysithea: Some of us have classes to attend.

Ignatz: Speaking of which!

Ignatz: [IAdoreThem.jpg]

Hilda: Oh. Wow.

Hilda: That’s just stunning.

Leonie: Igggggy… You’re so fucking precious.

Ignatz: <3

Raphael: WHOA.

Raphael: Is that really me and Leonie?

Ignatz: It isn’t exactly true to form, but I think it conveys the way I feel.

Lorenz: Absolutely magnificent.

Lorenz: Now, if only _all_ our conversations could be this pure.

Lysithea: @Ignatz

Lysithea: Would it be alright if I saw this in person?

Leonie: Not before we do.

Ignatz: Certainly! You can all see it at the end of the day.

Hilda: I didn’t know you were interested in art, Lys.

Lysithea: I…

Lysithea: Have a lot of hidden interests.

Hilda: Riiiiight.

Hilda: You might as well tell me. You _know_ I’ll figure it out.

Lysithea: THERE IS DEFINITELY NOTHING TO FIGURE OUT.

Lysithea: Good day!

Lorenz: I feel as though I should find this suspicious.

Lysithea: Get your head out of the gutter, Gloucester.

Lysithea: This is a surprise, now shut it.

Hilda: A surprise, you say??

Ignatz: Oh, Lysithea, is this about…?

Lysithea: Yes.

Leonie: Well now I wanna know too.

Ignatz: You’ll all find out when the right time comes.

Raphael: I wish the right time was right now. Secrets make me _seriously_ hungry.

Leonie: You’re always hungry, babe.

—Monday, 11:00 a.m.—

Claude: @Lorenz

Claude: Are you anywhere near the common room right now?

Lorenz: First of all, why do you ask?

Claude: If you’re there, I’m gonna need you to avert your eyes when I walk in.

Lorenz: Whyyyyyyyy?

Claude: Because reasons.

Claude: What if I told you it’s not as bad as it sounds and no rules were broken on my end?

Lorenz: I would know that you’re full of shit and were trying to hide that you broke the rules.

Claude: Okay, I didn’t want to do anything drastic, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Lorenz: What are you talking about…?

You Know What This Is (wink)

Claude: @Ferdinand

Ferdinand: Hello, Claude.

Claude: Would you say that Hubert lives to _serve_ Edelgard?

Ferdinand: …

Ferdinand: Where is Lorenz?

Claude: I have NO CLUE why you’re asking that, but last time I checked he was in our common room.

Ferdinand: Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Claude.

Ferdinand: I will make the necessary preparations.

Hubert: I’m sorry, what.

Golden Memes

Lorenz: I’m afraid we’ll have to cut this short.

Claude: Oh? Why is that?

Lorenz: There is something I must attend to.

Lorenz: But you’re NOT off the hook.

Claude: I don’t believe I was ever ON the hook.

Hilda: @Claude

Hilda: Spill.

Claude: I’m going to upload a picture of my neck to our private chat, and I want you to tell me how it looks.

Hilda: …

Hilda: You know how it looks. Whomst?

Claude: That’s the kicker: nobody.

Claude: I got punched in the neck and the resulting bruise looks “incriminating” to say the least.

Hilda: I’d call BS if you were anyone else.

Hilda: How did that even happen?

Claude: Walked into the Blue Lion room at the wrong time.

Marianne: ARE YOU OKAY?

Marianne: DO YOU NEED FIRST AID??

Marianne: IS ANYTHING BROKEN???

Claude: I’m alright, Mari. Your veterinary aid won’t be necessary.

Claude: But thanks for asking, darling. :)

Marianne: I’m coming over anyway.

Marianne: You scared the heck out of me, and I need to hug you.

Claude: You’re hugs are medicine in and of themselves. <3

Hilda: Pleeeaaase tell me I don’t have to do anything labor-intensive.

Hilda: I am NOT doing any patching up.

Marianne: Would you like to snuggle?

Hilda: Like you have to ask!

Hilda: I’ll see if I can get Lys in on this.

—Monday, 12:30 p.m.—

Leonie: CHEATER

Claude: What you call cheating I call innovating.

Lysithea: Were you being serious about the neck thing?

Lorenz: You are a clever man, Claude von Reigan.

Lorenz: In spite of myself, I applaud your hoop jumping.

Lysithea: *slow clap*

Lysithea: That’s my boyfriend. In this moment, he has made me proud.

Lorenz: Unfortunately, your wit still won’t stop me from giving you the First Strike.

Lorenz: [screenshot3Hgroupchat.jpg]

Lysithea: So that’s why he left in a butler outfit.

Claude: Excuse me, but why exactly are you giving me a strike?

Lorenz: You ORCHESTRATED a hookup on the 3 Houses chat! It counts, even if you weren’t involved.

Claude: Hookup???????

Claude: All I did was ask a question about Hubert’s devotion to Her Highness.

Lorenz: We all know the codewords by now, Claude.

Lysithea: According to your screenshot, Hubert had no idea what was going on.

Lorenz: The conversation in question was between Claude and Ferdinand. Hubert just _showed up_ at the last second.

Lysithea: And was incredibly confused. If this supposed code is so obvious, shouldn’t he have known considering he’s a part of it?

Lorenz: …

Lorenz: Damn it all.

Lorenz: You make a fair, albeit asinine, argument.

Claude: That’s my girlfriend everyone.

Lorenz: BUT. That doesn’t mean I believe your neck story.

Lorenz: Even by YOUR standards, what the hell are the chances?

Marianne: Pardon me, Lorenz.

Marianne: I looked Claude over earlier, and what he said checks out.

Claude: :)))

Leonie: WAIT JUST A DAMN SECOND

Leonie: Haven’t you broken your own rules?!

Lorenz: It was all in the name of discussing a potential Strike, so it can be overlooked.

Leonie: I call bullshit.

Claude: Eh, let him have it, Leonie.

Claude: I already pulled one miracle out of my ass; I’m not trying for two.

Lysithea: Probably a wise choice.

—Monday, 4:30 p.m.—

Hilda: We need to go on a date. An all Deer group date.

Raphael: Uhhh, is this a date in air quotes?

Lorenz: Strike One.

Raphael: WHA-

Raphael: But I didn’t say anything!!!

Claude: OH COME ON!

Claude: Lorenz, that was the opposite of explicit.

Lorenz: He was asking for clarification on implied explicit behavior.

Hilda: I was proposing an _actual_ date!

Lorenz: Doesn’t matter, I’m afraid.

Claude: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester.

Claude: You’re just fucking with us, aren’t you.

Claude. AREN’T YOU

Lorenz: I would do no such thing.

Hilda: You hold the frick on, Gloucester. You can’t prove what Raphael meant by, “in air quotes”.

Lorenz: I don’t have to prove anything.

Claude: Actually, you do. You see, if Raph here was implying something else, and you misinterpreted him, then not only are you unfairly imposing your perceptions on others…

Claude: You’re also the most sex obsessed person here.

Lorenz: Do you hear yourself right now?

Hilda: We have yet to hear an actual defense from you. Do you know beyond a _shadow_ of a doubt what was being implied?

Hilda: I’ll answer for you. YOU DON’T!

Leonie: Fuck I’m late to this, but they’re right! You can’t just assume an innuendo!

Leonie: We gotta hear from the accused!

Raphael: Uhhhhh…

Raphael: Guys…

Leonie: Tell him what you _actually_ meant, Raph.

[Raphael has left the group chat]

Lorenz: I believe I have my answer.

Claude: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Claude: WAIT, YOU ALSO CAN’T PROVE WHY HE LEFT.

Hilda: Yeah! Maybe he was under too much pressure!

Lorenz: You two are hilarious.

Lorenz: Thus Strike One has become official.

Lorenz: I pray that it never comes to Strike Two.

Claude: … At least I’m getting money out of this.

Lorenz: Good for you.

Claude: I don’t see your bet paying off anytime soon, asshair.

Hilda: Fuckface.

Leonie: Shit biscuit.

Lorenz: I love you all as well. :)

Leonie: Y’know, you may have banned sex, but you sure as hell didn’t ban _murder_.

—Monday, 4:50 p.m.—

Lorenz: can someone please hide me

Ignatz: Lorenz? What’s wrong?

Lorenz: your girlfriend is trying to kill me

Ignatz: Is this about earlier?

Ignatz: What’s going on?

Lorenz: i have no idea how she keeps finding me

Lysithea: Claude and/or Hilda is leaking your location. Have fun!

Lorenz: ignatz darling please save me call her off or something please

Ignatz: Lorenz…

Ignatz: You know I love you. And I _mean_ that, truly.

Ignatz: But this is Leonie. Not even the Goddess can save you now.

Lorenz: @Lysithea can you at least get your partners to stop helping her?

Lysithea: Oops! Gotta run guys! It’s sweet bun day at the dining hall!

Lorenz: oh goddess she found me

Ignatz: Just keep running, dear. Keep running. I _promise_ I’ll make it up to you but for now…

Ignatz: GET HIM @LEONIE

Leonie: Found you.

Lorenz: EEEK!

Claude: Target secured. Plans?

Leonie: I’ll think of something, don’t you worry about that.

Hilda: Then we leave the rest to you, Orange Peel.

Leonie: What did you call me?

Hilda: Your code name, dummy!

Leonie: …

Leonie: Can I please get a new one?

Claude: After you complete the mission, you can choose your own.

Leonie: Hell yes.

—Tuesday, 7:00 a.m.—

Hilda: So about the all Deer group date.

Hilda: Which is just a wholesome hang out. Nothing more, nothing less.

Raphael: Uh huh.

Leonie: You hear that Lorenz???

Lorenz: i can barely think. let alone look out for any innuendos.

Raphael: Think that’s a yes.

Claude: To prove how well behaved we are, why don’t we have the date in our common room?

Lysithea: That won’t prove anything and you know it.

Marianne: We could play Monopoly.

Lysithea: NEVER. AGAIN.

Ignatz: I still have nightmares about some of the 4:00 a.m. games.

Leonie: Fuck, I HATE it when Claude’s the banker!

Leonie: Where does he get all those $50’s from?!

Claude: Haters gonna hate.

Leonie: You cheating _whore_.

Marianne: Um, karaoke instead then?

Hilda: I will preemptively throw myself into the ocean.

Ignatz: I was going to say fill my ears with wax like Odysseus.

Ignatz: ...Y’know, like in the Odyssey? He had to- Because of the sirens?

Ignatz: Never mind.

Lysithea: That’s a clever reference, but NO ONE here has the voice of a siren. Unless you’re talking about an out of pitch police siren.

Raphael: HA!

Raphael: Yeah, I’m pretty sure I made my own ears bleed last time.

Raphael: What if we had a cooking contest?

Marianne: You’d win hands down, though.

Leonie: Using your family restaurant skills against us.

Lysithea: Do you so badly want to see the Monastery burn?

Hilda: We could always do Cards Against Humanity?

Ignatz: @Claude You said you got the new expansion, right?

Lorenz: no.

Lorenz: i refuse to allow such a vulgar game during this challenge.

Raphael: You’re just saying that ‘cuz you always loose.

Ignatz: Wait! We could play Apples to Apples. It’s basically the G rated version of Cards.

Marianne: Nice compromise!

—Tuesday, 2:15 p.m.—

Hilda: [NoContext.jpg]

Lorenz: Why.

Claude: Nice.

Lorenz: Just. Why.

Marianne: <3

Hilda: <3 <3

Lorenz: You’re doing this on purpose now.

Lysithea: @Hilda Are you...?

Hilda: Yup.

Lorenz: May I remind you that you accepted this challenge because of the prize?

Hilda: Oh we remember the prize.

Hilda: [NoContext2.jpg]

Lorenz: Then. _Why_.

Claude: There doesn’t appear to be anything sinful about that picture.

Claude: Unless you can prove otherwise?

Lorenz: I think today’s the day.

Lysithea: The day you succumb to insanity?

Lorenz: That, or just end my suffering.

Lorenz: Whichever comes first.

Hilda: [NoContext3.jpg]

Hilda: I actually dare you to try to find fault with any of these.

Lorenz: I mean…

Claude: Can’t see anything wrong with that one either!

Marianne: You’re too cute Hildie!

Lorenz: Why didn’t you just send those to your private chat?

Claude: Why would she? They’re wholesome.

Lorenz: Alright. So you’re doing this to fuck with me. Got it.

Lysithea: I’m surprised you didn’t immediately pick up on that.

Lorenz: What’s the point, I’m out.

Lorenz: I know Claude won’t miss me.

[Lorenz has left the group chat]

Marianne: @Claude

Marianne: You know what you should do.

Claude: Urrrrrgh.

Claude: Don’t do this to me.

Marianne: [Pleeeeease.jpg]

Hilda: Oh shit not the puppy dog eyes.

Lysithea: C’mon Claude, you have to be strong! One of us does!

Claude: A good leader knows when he’s been bested.

Marianne: :)

[Claude has added Lorenz to the group chat]

Lorenz: …

Claude: Please don’t leave. You know we love you.

Lorenz: You have a funny way of showing it.

Hilda: Did seeing a picture of me offend you _that_ much?

Lorenz: …

Hilda: Oh for Goddess’ sake.

Hilda: We adore you Lorenz. We all love how much of a gentleman you try to be, even if we tease at every opportunity.

Lorenz: Hm.

Lysithea: I don’t have to say anything, do I?

Marianne: [Pleeeeease2.jpg]

Lysithea: Lorenz, I look up to you. You’re an example for everyone.

Lorenz: Laying it on a little thick, don’t you think?

Lysithea: Did you SEE those puppy dog eyes?

Lorenz: Well it’s good to know you’re all saying this because Marianne asked you.

Claude: Lorenz. We fuck with each other all the time.

Hilda: It’s our _thing_.

Hilda: You know we want you around.

Lorenz: …

Lorenz: Truly, you’re all going to be the death of me.

Lysithea: YOU’RE FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS AREN’T YOU?

Lorenz: As someone who _never_ gets compliments, can you blame me?

Hilda: Lies. All of it—lies.

Marianne: Next time, just ask, okay?

Lorenz: Alright. :)

Lysithea: See if I ever say anything nice about you again…

Lorenz: I’m sure you will if a certain someone tells you to.

Marianne: <3

Leonie: You three are whipped.

Ignatz: I appreciate you too, Lorenz! :)

Raphael: So do I, bud!

Lorenz: <3

—Tuesday, 8:00 p.m.—

Lorenz: I rescind my forgiveness from earlier today.

Ignatz: @Leonie

Ignatz: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

Leonie: You KNOW I do.

Leonie: But I’ve learned by now not to play against Team Claude.

Raphael: Aren’t the Deer _already_ a team?! And isn’t Apples to Apples supposed to be fun??!!

Marianne: ...I thought the game was very fun.

Hilda: I love it when this happens.

Lysithea: It happens every time we play a game.

Lysithea: And things get more hilarious each time.

Ignatz: It’s true after all… Some people just want to watch the world burn.

Lorenz: @Claude @Lysithea @Hilda @Leonie

Lorenz: You four are the spawn of Satan.

Claude: I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lorenz. All we did was play.

Raphael: You _know_ what he’s talking about!

Raphael: Teaming up ‘n letting Lys, Hilda, and Leonie know which cards were yours!

Claude: Leonie’s the person that actually won.

Lorenz: THERE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE _TEAMS_ IN APPLES TO APPLES

Leonie: But you should have known we’d do it anyway. And you should have come to the dark side.

Ignatz: Claude truly cheats at everything. Monopoly, poker, blackjack, Scrabble, Pictionary…

Hilda: If you can find a way to rig something, why wouldn’t you?

Ignatz: I guess if you’re an immoral _sadist_ , sure why not.

Raphael: Yeah! You’re a bunch of statists!

Ignatz: Never change, Raph.

Lysithea: Welcome to the real world. It’s a dog eat dog kind of place.

Lorenz: Friends are SUPPOSED to make things better.

Leonie: What moron told you that lie?

Marianne: I’m glad we finally got to have a group date night. :)

Marianne: It’s always wonderful spending time with all of you.

Lorenz: Siiiiigh.

Lorenz: Your presence made this experience bearable, Marianne.

Ignatz: On behalf of all the non-sadistic players, I’d like to thank you for your neutrality during Apples to Apples.

Ignatz: Though it wasn’t much of a “game”. More like a slaughter.

Raphael: Never change, Mari.

Marianne: <3

—Wednesday, 12:00 p.m.—

Ignatz: You’re making great progress, Lysithea!

Lysithea: It’s because of your guidance. On my own, I don’t think I’d know how to go about this.

Ignatz: I’m sure that’s an exaggeration, but thank you. :)

Lysithea: Has anyone ever told you you’re bad at taking compliments?

Ignatz: Um… Leonie, Raph, Ashe... Pretty much everybody actually.

Lysithea: You should be more confident about your prowess in art. You’ve clearly spent a long time honing that skill. It doesn’t help anyone if you deny it.

Ignatz: Gosh, you’re too kind! But I’m alright, and it’s just a hobby.

Lysithea: Ignatz. Many people would consider me the exact opposite of kind.

Ignatz: Well, they don’t know you like the rest of us.

Lysithea: I appreciate that, but I happen to agree with them.

Lysithea: If even _I’m_ taking the time to say this, it’s because it’s true.

Ignatz: Alright, if you say so. :)

Lysithea: I say so.

Lysithea: Level with me—why aren’t you an art major?

Ignatz: Art isn’t a real career. I’ll be more financially secure pursuing a degree in business.

Lysithea: If that’s your reasoning, I’ll accept it. However, I would recommend taking this up with a career counselor.

Ignatz: Thanks, but I’m fine with the path I’ve chosen.

Lysithea: Okay then. Can we meet again around 5:00? I have a few ideas I’d like to tell you about.

Ignatz: Sure! Whatever works best for you, I’ll be there!

—Wednesday, 12:30 p.m.—

Hilda: S.U.S.P.I.C.I.O.U.S.

Lorenz: I know I’m going to regret this.

Lorenz: What is it?

Hilda: Didn’t you see what Lysithea and Ignatz were saying?

Lorenz: Yes, but she also said it’s a surprise. So I’m giving them their privacy.

Hilda: Surprises are suspicious.

Lorenz: If you and Claude weren’t dating, I’d think you two were siblings.

Hilda: >:)

Lorenz: Heaven help me.

—Wednesday, 3:15 p.m.—

Raphael: Okay, I know we said the cook-off wouldn’t work… But hear me out!

Raphael: What if we had a barbeque???

Leonie: I love the way you’re thinking babe, but with what grill?

Raphael: … Can I be honest?

Leonie: Of course!

Raphael: I just really want an excuse to cook for everyone.

Leonie: You’re too wholesome for this life.

Raphael: Ah, shucks babe!

Raphael: You should thank my folks - they’re the reason I turned out so good!

Leonie: I owe them the world for giving you to me.

Raphael: Hey, that’s MY line, dude!

Ignatz: [IAdoreThem.jpg]

Ignatz: I will _never_ stop sending you that.

Leonie: What did I do to deserve the two purest boys on the planet?????

Ignatz: Awwww... <3

Raphael: <3

Raphael: That painting makes me tear up every time I see it.

Ignatz: In a GOOD way I hope!

Raphael: ‘Course it’s in a good way! I still can’t believe you took the time to make that for us.

Raphael: That’s why I wanna take the time to make something for all of you guys!

Leonie: Sheesh, I’d better step up my game. Is there anything I can get for you two?

Ignatz: Besides yourself?

Raphael: Damn, that was smooth, Iggy!

Leonie: Someone’s getting a hug later.

Raphael: But I’m serious about this whole dinner thing for everybody!

Raphael: I honestly can’t wait… I’m gonna put this all together tonight!

Ignatz: TONIGHT?

Ignatz: Don’t you think that’s a tall order? You’d only have a few hours.

Raphael: Eh… Truth be told, I already started a couple hours ago. I’m just waiting to take the pie outta the oven.

Leonie: So that’s where the heavenly scent is coming from.

Raphael: :)

Raphael: Could you two round up the others and tell ‘em to meet us in the common room? Even _I’m_ gonna need help carrying all this.

Ignatz: How much food did you make, dear?!

Raphael: [ADaysWork.jpg]

Leonie: HOLY-

Leonie: I’m on it.

Ignatz: I hope they’re all _extremely_ hungry.

—Wednesday, 6:00 p.m.—

Claude: I have achieved nirvana.

Hilda: My soul has left my body and been embraced by Seiros.

Marianne: That meal was lovely.

Lysithea: I hope nobody wanted pie leftovers, because I took that shit with me.

Hilda: Bold of you to assume I won’t break into your room.

Lysithea: I _will_ fight you.

Lorenz: Let’s just be grateful for Raphael’s impeccable cooking.

Raphael: I dunno what that word means, but it was my pleasure! :)

Raphael: It’s my way of showing how much I love you guys!

Leonie: If I wasn’t too full to move, I’d hold you and never let go.

Ignatz: Yeah, you went a little crazy back there, Leonie. But I can’t really blame you; everything was delicious, Raphael. :)

Raphael: I’ve gotta admit, I actually had another reason for doing this.

Raphael: Making a big meal like that… It helps me feel close to my folks. Like I’m putting all the things they taught me to good use.

Marianne: Oh, Raphael... That’s beautiful!

Marianne: I may never have had the pleasure of meeting your parents, but I’m sure you’ve made them proud.

Raphael: Thanks for saying that, Mari. You don’t know how much it means.

Claude: That’s it. GROUP HUG.

Lorenz: _Now?_ I’m not opposed, but-

Claude: GROUP.

Claude: HUG.

Lorenz: Oh, alright.

Lorenz :)

—Thursday, 10:05 a.m.—

Hilda: @Claude

Hilda: Red Alert

Claude: SEIROS FUCK I’M RUNNING

Hilda: Where are u rn?

Claude: Ditching class

Lysithea: I’ll get ur notes

Lysithea: Go

Claude: Bless u

Lorenz: Should anyone else come with you?

Hilda: Appreciate it, but we’ve got it

Hilda: Don’t wanna overwhelm her

Leonie: Let us know if she needs anything.

Hilda: Will do

Claude: @Hilda u know what brought this on?

Hilda: Idk

Hilda: She won’t talk

Claude: I’m here open up.

—Thursday, 12:00 p.m.—

Lysithea: @Claude @Hilda

Lysithea: How is she doing?

Marianne: I’m managing.

Lysithea: Can anyone else come see you?

Marianne: If you want.

Ignatz: Of course we want to.

Ignatz: But _please_ let us know if it gets to be too much.

Raphael: We’ve got plenty left over from yesterday. I can bring ya something.

Lorenz: How about herbal tea? I can have it ready in no time.

Marianne: I’m… Not hungry.

Lysithea: Have you eaten today?

Hilda: She hasn’t.

Raphael: Then I’m bringing stuff.

Lorenz: As am I.

Marianne: Thank you.

Leonie: Do you wanna talk or nah?

Marianne: I-

Marianne: I don’t know.

Marianne: It’s just… I’m always the one dragging everyone down. On days like this all I do is get in the way.

Lorenz: Nonsense.

Lorenz: You are what holds us together.

Marianne: Claude left class because of me.

Claude: I know I’m right next to you, but:

Claude: I left because I decided to. You matter more than some lecture.

Leonie: A-fucking-men.

Lysithea: I feel terrible that I didn’t leave with him. You’re so much more important than some stupid class.

Marianne: I’d feel terrible if you’d both missed out on notes.

Leonie: Stop that. It’s like they said: YOU ARE _MORE IMPORTANT_.

Leonie: And Lysithea, Claude didn’t have to hesitate to leave because you stayed. We are not competing over who should feel worse.

Ignatz: You don’t hold us back, Marianne. We WANT to be with you, especially at times like these. We stay with you because we love and care about you.

Raphael: And it’ll always be that way.

Marianne: I’m so blessed to have all of you in my life.

Lorenz: I assure you, it’s the other way around. 

Leonie: Right! Being around you is like being surrounded by sunshine.

Raphael: We’re outside. Can we come in?

Marianne: … Yes.

Marianne: I love you all.

—Thursday, 9:10 p.m.—

Lysithea: I think it’s ready.

Ignatz: You finished without me?

Ignatz: That’s incredible, Lysithea!

Lysithea: I wanted to show Mari something that might make her smile.

Ignatz: It’ll make her fall in love with you all over again. I know it.

Lysithea: Thanks for the encouragement. Here goes nothing.

Lysithea: @Marianne @Claude @Hilda

Lysithea: [LightsOfMyLife.jpg]

Hilda: I’m crying. I’m fucking crying.

Marianne: Oh… Oh my…

Claude: …

Claude: What do I even say.

Ignatz: I’ll leave you four to it.

Lysithea: These… These are all POSITIVE reactions, right?

Hilda: YES THEY’RE POSITIVE.

Lysithea: Oh thank the Goddess.

Lysithea: I know I’m not the best at affection, so I thought a painting might help express how I feel.

Claude: I love you. I love you so, so much. 

Marianne: You’ve made my day even better, darling. Knowing people care this much about me is… Heartwarming.

Hilda: I’m so glad you decided to date us. I know I can be a lot.

Claude: BOTH of us can be a lot.

Marianne: Did you see the state I was in today? ALL THREE of us can be a lot.

Hilda: But you took a chance on us anyway.

Hilda: Now I don’t ever want to imagine life without Lysithea von Ordelia as my girlfriend.

Lysithea: I don’t want to live a life without the three of you as my partners.

Claude: The day we became a quad was one of the best moments of my life.

Lysithea: Quad??

Hilda: A 4 person couple.

Hilda: It’s a thing, look it up.

Lysithea: Holy hell it's a thing.

Claude: How could it not be in a world with us in it?

—Friday, 7:00 a.m.—

Leonie: @Ignatz @Raphael

Leonie: Whatcha think of these new pants I bought?

Leonie: [LikeWhatYouSee.jpg]

Ignatz: They look lovely! But there is something strange about the... zipper area I think?

Raphael: Yeah, it’s almost like something’s sticking out. Maybe it’s a defect.

Ignatz: Or are they pre-owned and just stretched out?

Lorenz: Just when I thought the worst was behind us…

Lorenz: Strike Two.

Leonie: GIVE ME A BREAK

Ignatz: Huh???

Raphael: They’re just pants!

Claude: @Lorenz What’s going on, why’s Hilda yelling about a strike?

Claude: Oh. For Goddess’ sake Leonie. You have to be more subtle than _that!_

Leonie: Apparently, it’s TOO subtle for my guys!

Hilda: You literally couldn’t keep it in your pants.

Claude: *high five*

Ignatz: I’m… lost.

Raphael: Yeah, could someone explain what’s going on here?

Hilda: She’s wearing a strap on.

Ignatz: akfnksnlgkhj

Raphael: Oh.

Raphael: OOOOOHHHHH!

Leonie: The strap on is what’s new. You’ve seen me in these pants before!

Ignatz: oh

Lorenz: AHEM.

Lorenz: You all have ONE Strike remaining.

Lorenz: May the Goddess have mercy on your souls.

Claude: The week ends tomorrow. We’ve basically made it already.

Lorenz: Never say never.

Hilda: No one do ANYTHING desperately horny until Saturday is over.

Leonie: How can you call me desperate after you publicly begged for a quickie?!

Hilda: Oh! By the way, people better pay up! :)

Hilda: @Marianne

Hilda: We just made bank!

Marianne: Hooray!

Lysithea: It looks like Claude and Hilda were right. For the millionth time.

Marianne: You’ll get one eventually!

Claude: Ehhhhhhhhh.

Lysithea: Shut up.

—Friday, 4:00 p.m.—

Lorenz: I’m glad that everyone has been on their best behavior.

Leonie: That you know of.

Lorenz: Make no mistake, Leonie, I’m no Claude or Hilda.

Lorenz: But I _know_ things.

Raphael: It’s actually scary how good he’s been at monitoring everyone this week.

Ignatz: I think that line was scary enough on its own.

Leonie: Why even bother when this chat will go back to being a free for all after Saturday?

Lorenz: I have had one week of relative peace. That will be enough for a little while.

Leonie: So you won’t be complaining about anything for a good couple of days?

Lorenz: I make no promises. ;)

Leonie: Don’t winky face me after giving me a Strike.

Ignatz: Let’s try to stay calm, okay?

Leonie: He winky faced me, Iggy!

Ignatz: When they go low, you go high.

Leonie: Urrrrrrrrrgh...

—Friday, 11:00 p.m.—

Lorenz: @Claude

Lorenz: What in the nine circles of Hell is happening?!

Claude: Do _NOT_ look at me!

Hilda: Whoa whoa whoa! What’s going on?!

Lysithea: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Lysithea: SOMEONE KILLED THE LIGHTS AND THERE’S SCREAMING AND WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHAT ELSE

Hilda: I’m out with Dorthy and Ferdie! What the flying fuck?!

Marianne: The lights went out. Then there was a scream.

Ignatz: Okay full disclosure, that scream was me. Sorry.

Leonie: You okay???

Ignatz: Yes, just terrified.

Lysithea: THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE SCREAM!

Lorenz: Who would do this?! If this is some ploy to avoid a strike...

Lysithea: FORGET YOUR GODDESS DAMNED STRIKES

Lysithea: WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING DIE

Claude: Lys! I’m gonna need you to breath.

Lysithea: I’M HYPERVENTILATING IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

Raphael: Wait, is this about her being afraid of ghosts?

Lysithea: WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT GHOSTS?

Lysithea: FUCK GHOSTS. GHOSTS AREN’T REAL. WHO THE SHIT THINKS THAT?

Claude: Lysithea!

Claude: Deep breaths. There has to be a rational explanation for this.

Hilda: One of you should message a professor.

Leonie: I’ll get Prof. Byleth on the line.

Claude: Good idea.

Claude: Everyone stay where you are. Lorenz, I’m heading to your room since you're closest.

Claude: We’re gonna try to make our way to the lobby. 

Lorenz: Right.

Raphael: AW FRICK!

Lysithea: WHAT

Raphael: I _just_ put popcorn in the microwave! What am I supposed to do now, eat kernels?!

Lysithea: MOTHERFUCK YOUR STUPID ASS POPCORN

Marianne: @Lysithea

Marianne: Do you want me to call you?

Lysithea: OHMYFUCK THE CLOSET JUST OPENED

Lysithea: NOPE. NOT TODAY FUCKERS. BYYYYYYE

Ignatz: What do you think she’s doing?

Marianne: I JUST HEARD A WINDOW SMASH

Claude: We’re almost at the lobby! Keep it together!

Marianne: LYSITHEA TALK TO ME

Ignatz: ...I think I see her outside...

Ignatz: Did she just break her own window to escape?!

Hilda: She jumped out of her second floor window-

Ignatz: I mean there IS a tree outside, so she probably climbed down.

Hilda: WTF is this bullshit right now?!

Claude: Made it!

Leonie: Byleth’s coming. I think she’s heading your way.

Claude: Um.

Claude: I think we’ve found the problem.

Raphael: What is it, man?!

Claude: A raccoon chewed through some wires.

Lysithea: RACCOONS DON’T SCREAM LIKE DECAPITATED DEMONS

Ignatz: You have a… vivid imagination, Lysithea.

Ignatz: And I told you that was me. I didn’t hear any other screaming.

Lysithea: WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU SCREAMED

Ignatz: My room.

Lysithea: I HEARD SOMEONE SCREAM FROM RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR. DID YOU CLONE YOURSELF TO SCREW WITH ME?

Claude: Lysithea von Ordelia.

Claude: You broke a window and descended a _fucking_ tree this night. No offense, and I love you with all of my heart, but you are _probably_ not thinking straight.

Lysithea: DON’T TREAT ME LIKE I’M HYSTERICAL.

Leonie: You’re literally hysterical.

Raphael: Pretty much everyone else has calmed down.

Lysithea: FUCK THIS ANAL SHIT.

Claude: ...Doesn’t shit _come_ from the anus?

Lysithea: FUCK YOUR ANUS.

Claude: I reaaally wish I could pun right now.

Claude: Byleth’s here! Hang tight!

Lysithea: I’M OUT.

You Know What This Is (wink)

Lysithea: THIS SCHOOL IS HAUNTED AS SHIT. I’M GTF OUT. WHO’S COMING WITH?

Hubert: wait wht

Dimitri: time is it?

Annette: WTF DO YOU MEAN BY HAUNTED

Ashe: OH SHIT SHIT SHIT

Mercedes: Oooh, really? :D

Annette: YOU’RE NOT HELPING

Linhardt: fuck all of you

Lysithea: YOU’LL SLEEP REAL WELL WHEN THE DEMON CRAWLS INSIDE OF YOU AND SLOWLY DRAINS YOUR BLOOD AS IT HARNESSES YOUR LIFE FORCE FOR FUEL AND EVENTUALLY POSSESSES YOUR CORPSE BITCH.

Bernadetta: …

Bernadetta: @Caspar

Bernadetta: You don’t EVER get to call me paranoid again.

Caspar: srry whats going on

Lysithea: YOU THINK THIS IS SOME MOTHERFUCKING GAME?

Lysithea: YOU THINK

Mercedes: Hello? @Lysithea

Ashe: THEY GOT HER

Annette: HOLYSOTHIS

Golden Memes

Ignatz: And now I think I see the Professor… _literally_ dragging Lysithea back to the dorms.

Hilda: Does Lys look hurt?!

Ignatz: Honestly? She’s thrashing around too much for me to tell.

Hilda: I don’t know if I want to hug her or slap her for scaring me shitless.

Lorenz: Slap her first, then hug her.

Hilda: Will do.

Claude: You might want to save that for after she’s done sobbing her eyes out.

Marianne: Poor dear.

Leonie: I’m fucking going back to sleep.

Ignatz: Can I stay with you? I… need someone to hold me.

Leonie: Like you have to ask. I’ll come to you, Iggy.

—Saturday, 6:00 a.m.—

Lysithea: I may have overreacted. I apologize.

Ignatz: May.

Lysithea: A bit.

Ignatz: _May?_

Lysithea: You said that already.

Ignatz: MAY?!?!

Lysithea: Okay I flipped my shit! Is that better?!

Leonie: It’s a little late now! Iggy’s STILL hugging me like his life depends on it. >:(

Lysithea: I was having a full-fledged panic attack. He can deal.

Leonie: …

Leonie: Excuse you.

Ignatz: oh shit

Leonie: Excuse **_fucking_ **you.

Leonie: Because of YOU, my poor boy got no sleep last night.

Lysithea: It’s a good thing it’s Saturday, then, isn’t it?

Leonie: @Claude

Leonie: I. Am. This. Close.

Lysithea: I threw my body out of that window last night.

Lysithea: If that didn’t kill me, I doubt you will.

Lysithea: KJNDFPJWNB

Hilda: @Leonie

Hilda: I know Lys freaked everyone out, but I will stab you if you hurt her. Got it?

Leonie: She insulted my boy.

Ignatz: Please leave me out of this.

Claude: All of you stop.

Claude: We’re all a little on edge after what happened. Snapping at each other will just make things worse. You’re all smart enough to know that.

Lorenz: For once, we agree. Let’s be rational about this.

Lysithea: Rational? Leonie is _clawing_ at my door.

Lysithea: I shit you not I will cut a bitch if she gets anywhere near me.

Ignatz: Lysithea.

Ignatz: Please don’t antagonize her.

Lysithea: I’ll stop antagonizing her when she gets the hell away from my room.

Hilda: That’s it. I’m going over there.

Claude: Here we fucking go…

Lorenz: That’s the Golden Deer for you.

Raphael: Okay, I think it’s about time someone broke this up.

Claude: Thank. You.

—Saturday, 7:00 a.m.—

Lorenz: Have we calmed down now?

Leonie: @Hilda

Leonie: What the hell did you even think I was going to do to her?

Hilda: Do I have to screenshot the blatant threat you made?

Claude: ALL. RIGHT. Either we calmly discuss this, or I ban everyone from this chat.

Claude: @Leonie @Hilda @Lysithea

Claude: What the hell was that shit show just now?

Hilda: She was clawing at our girlfriend’s door. I’m not sorry for taking that seriously.

Hilda: Goddess knows what she did to Lorenz on Monday.

Leonie: I. Yelled. At him.

Leonie: No, I’m not going to put my fucking hands on another person outside of a sparring match.

Lysithea: Could’ve fooled me.

Leonie: I only went off because you told Ignatz to just deal with it!

Lysithea: I APOLOGIZED, and neither of you would get off my ass about it. Don’t you think I’m humiliated? Don’t you think I hate that I’m incapable of handling things like that?

Leonie: That’s not the point. Why did you have to lash out at others?

Lysithea: Why did you have to threaten me?

Leonie: You know why. Ignatz has had to take enough shit from others. He doesn’t deserve that from a _friend_.

Lysithea: So both of you have the right to go out of your way to make fun of my freak out? I didn’t think I deserved that from _friends_ either.

Ignatz: W-We didn’t mean to do that!

Ignatz: I was shaken and scared and I don’t know…

Ignatz: I shouldn’t have said that stuff but…When you understated what happened last night, I couldn’t take it anymore.

Lysithea: I truly am sorry I freaked you out Ignatz. I shouldn’t have treated your fear like it was insignificant compared to mine.

Leonie: In total fairness, you might not have done that if I hadn’t pushed you.

Ignatz: Leonie, it was my fault. My unwarranted complaining triggered all this, and I’m sorry.

Lysithea: You were complaining because I defenestrated and acted like it was nothing.

Ignatz: Pffft. Defenestration of Prague?

Lysithea: Yep. Lol.

Leonie: I will never understand nerd humor.

Leonie: Anyway, I shouldn’t have threatened you, Lys. I get… Irritable when I haven’t slept.

Ignatz: Irritable.

Lysithea: _Irritable?_

Hilda: IRRITABLE?!?!

Leonie: Either I’m sleep deprived or you’re all hilarious.

Claude: Do you hear that Lorenz?

Claude: It’s the sound of friendship overcoming yet another obstacle.

Lorenz: I’m sorry, what happened? I was in the shower. 

Claude: Whatever. Group hug?

Lorenz: Oh, very well.

Leonie: Is it okay if I hug you, Lys?

Lysithea: I said I’d cut you. In terms of threats, we’re pretty even. Can _I_ hug _you?_

Leonie: As long as you don’t have anything sharp on you.

Lysithea: Does my cutting wit count?

Hilda: Y’all do what you want. I’ll be passed out on the floor.

Claude: DOG PILE ON HILDA

Hilda: oh fuuu

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The monopoly humor came from this gem right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_QTa5HbK4w


	6. Ten, Nine, Eight...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone except Lorenz: FINALLY!!!

Golden Memes

—Saturday, 2:00 p.m.—

Lorenz: There’s something very amusing about the fact that there was a fight this morning, and now everyone’s cuddled together in the common room. 

Leonie: Sometimes friends say shitty things to each other. We all apologized. No one here is worth losing over some dumb argument. 

Lysithea: Or a stupid raccoon. 

Hilda: Seriously fuck that raccoon. 

Ignatz: ^^^^^^^^^^

Ignatz: How did it even get inside?

Lorenz: A mystery for the ages.

Claude: Either way, it’s almost Sunday. You know what that means, don’t you Lorenz?

Hilda: Better get planning. 

Lorenz: “Almost Sunday”? It’s still Saturday afternoon.

Lorenz: Don’t get too comfortable.

Marianne: We made it this far, and that in itself is something to celebrate. :)

Claude: Here here!

Leonie: Someone has to make breakfast. I’m starving, but too tired to move. 

Ignatz: Leonie, you just finished off your leftovers from Raph’s feast…

Leonie: Emphasis on leftovers. 

Marianne: I can make omelettes. 

Claude: Goddess bless your kind heart. 

—Saturday, 6:35 p.m.—

Hilda: @Claude

Hilda: I’m gonna need some help here. 

Claude: Um, with what?

Hilda: Retrieving a cloth of sorts from the sofa. 

Claude: What have you done.

Hilda: NOTHING.

Hilda: Well, nothing today. I just remembered I left it there a few days ago. 

Claude: You amaze me. I’ll be right over.

Hilda: Love you! <3

Lorenz: ...

Hilda: Don’t even try to strike me on this. You don’t know what cloth I’m referring to. 

Lorenz: Hmmmmm...

Claude: And since I just retrieved it, you never will. 

Lorenz:  _ Hmmmmm _ ...

Leonie: I’m about to get paid at the worst time possible, aren’t I?

Lorenz: I don’t knowwwww… 

Raphael: DON’T KEEP US WAITING DUDE.

Raphael: Strike or No Strike????

Lorenz: Oh no Strike.

Lorenz: I just enjoy watching those two suffer.

Claude: Okay, Hubert.

Lorenz: What can I say? Spending time with him and Ferdinand appears to have rubbed off on me.

Lorenz: And I DARE you to make a pun out of that.

Claude: You realize you’re just setting yourself up for a headache when the challenge ends, right?

Claude: Like, I guarantee I’ll be worse than usual starting at midnight.

Lorenz: Oh just let me have this. :)

Hilda: [NoContext4.jpg]

Lorenz: I see someone wants another Strike.

Hilda: Is there something wrong with this image, good sir? 

Lorenz: Play coy all you want, we both know the truth Miss Goneril.

Claude: Truth???? I don’t see anything strange.

Leonie: We are NOT doing this again. Just shut up. All of you.

Raphael: …

Raphael: IS there something weird about that picture? 

Leonie: Raph, babe. Please don’t ask.

Raphael: If you say so.

—Saturday, 11:58 p.m.—

Hilda: TWO MORE MINUTES FUCKERS

Lorenz: Let’s see whether or not you’ll meet my expectations.

Lysithea: You expected us to fail within the first hour. 

Lorenz: To be fair, I didn’t specify negative or positive expectations just now.

Lysithea: What’s that sound…? 

Lysithea: Hilda, are you and Claude actually counting down the seconds?

Lorenz: I’d be shocked if they  _ weren’t _ doing that.

Marianne: It’s 11:59 now. So close!

Leonie: I can’t believe we’re almost there. This week went by sooooo damn slowly. 

Raphael: I know, right?

Claude:  _ The time is almost upon us _ !

Lorenz: Give me a moment to mourn. 

Lorenz: Siiiiigh.

Lorenz: Okay, I’m good.

Hilda: Ten

Claude: Nine

Leonie: Eight

Raphael: Seven

Marianne: Six

Lysithea: Five

Leonie: Four

Raphael: Three

Ignatz: Two

Hilda:  **ONE**

Hilda: [AllTheContext.jpg]

Claude: Look at that GORGEOUS rack!

Lorenz: My. Poor. Eyes. 

Lysithea: You know what? 

Lysithea: In the interest of tormenting Lorenz. 

Lysithea: [PrettySinful.jpg]

Lorenz: GODDESSPRESERVEME

Lorenz: Is that Marianne?????!!!!

Claude: Now THAT was some Grade A face sitting. I should know, it was my face. 

Lorenz: Were you saving all of this for the  _ second _ Sunday arrived?

Ignatz: U-Um… @Leonie?

Ignatz: Raph… Talked me into this…

Ignatz: [CompromisedTwink.jpg]

Claude: DAAAAAAMN

Leonie: …

Raphael: He  _ does _ look pretty good, doesn’t he? :)

Leonie: ...

Claude: He’s presenting you with that  _ beautiful _ ass, Leonie.

Claude: What are you going to do???

Leonie: im gonna destroy it in the best possible way

Hilda: Speaking of sitting on faces… GET OVER HERE CLAUDE.

Lorenz: As much as I admire Ignatz at the moment… I am muting this chat now.

Lorenz: I’ll be making preparations.

Lysithea: You absolute coward. You should have to face what you’ve unleashed upon the world. 

Hilda: Before I’m devoured, I have one more thing to share on this fine new day.

Hilda: [ButlersAreTheBest.jpg]

Raphael: How’d you get that?!

Hilda: I have my waysafgvnn

Ignatz: Well, she’ll be occupied for a while.

Leonie: so will you, sweet thing

Lysithea: I guess shame isn’t a thing that exists anymore. I’m going to go watch them. 

Raphael: I’m already doing the same with mine! :)

Marianne: I’ll go with you Lys. Maybe we can… 

Lysithea: Yes. All the yes. 

—Sunday, 7:00 a.m.—

Ignatz: I-

Ignatz: I don’t think I’ll be able to walk to the common room today.

Claude: Big same. 

Leonie: I thought you were the one-

Claude: It goes both ways. 

Ignatz: Like most of this school.

Leonie: Nice. 

Claude: She returned the favor. With great enthusiasm. 

Hilda: You don’t get to complain. My thighs are dead because of you. 

Lorenz: Ahem.

Lorenz: The party begins at precisely two o’clock.

Lorenz: Raphael will be on pastry duty while I procure quality leaves and brew them.

Raphael: I’m on it chief!

Hilda: Don’t forget the lube. And toys. 

Marianne: Hildie! It’s just tea!

Hilda: My dearest Marianne, it was  _ never _ going to be just tea. 

Claude: Truer words could not be spoken.

Claude: Besides, I can read Lorenz like a book. Yesterday got him thirsty as fuck, and it’s been a while since I’ve had my way with him.

Ignatz: Guess I’ll have to limber up for him lol.

Hilda: That reminds me! @Leonie

Hilda: I don’t think we’ve ever fucked. 

Leonie: Shit, I think you’re right.

Claude: HOW.

Leonie: Iggy and Raph keep me satisfied, that's how. And I’m mostly into guys… With some exceptions. 

Hilda: Am  _ I  _ an exception?

Leonie: We’ll see. ;)

Ignatz: Didn’t you say every girl in this class was an exception?

Leonie: Hush. Let me have my air of mystery. 

Lysithea: ...So, what should we do until 2:00?

Claude: Prepare. By which I mean pick out sexy underwear. 

Leonie: @Ignatz

Leonie: If you and Claude are gonna be taking care of Lorenz, I’m dressing you up in the best set we have.

Ignatz: O-Okay! This is a special occasion after all!

Hilda: You should get ready with me, Lys! I have the perfect lingerie for you. 

Lysithea: I don’t know if that should excite or frighten me. 

Marianne: I wonder what I should wear… 

Hilda: Do you still have this?

Hilda: [Seductress.jpg]

Marianne: OH! You’re in the mood for that one?

Hilda: I’m  _ always _ in the mood for that one. 

Hilda: Also, you know that item of cloth I sent Claude to get yesterday? I’m wearing that.

Claude: Have I ever told you how much I love the way you think?

Hilda: Honestly, that doesn’t even belong to me. Guess who I got it from?

Hilda: [GuessWho.jpg]

Leonie: Dorothea.

Marianne: Hmm, Petra? Maybe?

Claude: Sylvain.

Leonie:  _ Sylvain _ ?!

Claude: What?

Ignatz: Um… Mercedes?

Leonie: How could that be from Mercedes?! It says T.H.O.T. in big red letters.

Hilda: We have a winner!

Leonie: What. Dafuq. 

—Sunday, 9:00 a.m.—

Leonie: Unfortunately, we have to report a Code Green. 

Claude: Goddammit Leonie!

Leonie: I know, I know. I accept full responsibility for rendering Iggy incapable of full body movement. Again.

Hilda: I mean, who could blame you after he sent  _ that _ picture. 

Lorenz: I’m honestly surprised his rear could take another round with you.

Leonie: My boy is resilient. 

Claude: Stop the press. This gives me a GREAT idea. 

Hilda: Lay it on us.

Claude: We should invite someone from another class. 

Claude: And Hilda, I think you know who.

Hilda: Can she bring her whips?

Lorenz: W-What?

Claude: Oh yes.

Hilda: Someone other than me should probably ask. I don’t want them to start expecting sex every time I log into the 3H chat. 

Hilda: Gotta keep ‘em in their toes. 

Lysithea: They  _ do _ expect sex every time you log into the group chat.

Hilda: Are you volunteering?

Lysithea: Sure, why not.

Leonie: Oh I need to see this. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

Lysithea: @Mercedes

Lysithea: Us Deer are having a “tea party”. You want in?

Mercedes: Oh goodness! I’m honored! Am I allowed to bring my things?

Lysithea: From what I understand, you are strongly encouraged to do so. 

Dimitri: Tea party?

Mercedes: I’ll be right over! This will be so much fun!

Annette: Hey! Why aren’t the rest of us invited?!

Ferdinand: I greatly enjoy tea as well! 

Lysithea: I said tea party  _ in quotes. _

Ferdinand: Ah. I understand. 

Dimitri: ...Huh…?

Annette: You’d better give me deets, Mercie!

Lysithea: Whatever, I’m out.

Bernadetta: ...At least she wasn’t freaking out over ghosts this time.

Lysithea: FORGET. THAT. HAPPENED. 

Golden Memes

Lysithea: @Claude

Lysithea: It’s been arranged.

Claude: I love it when things go according to plan. 

Lorenz: What’s this about whips???

Hilda: You’ll find out soon enough. 

—Sunday, 12:30 p.m.—

Hilda: Can everyone  _ pretty please  _ send a pic of what they’re wearing?

Leonie: You’ll see all of us soon enough!

Hilda: I’m impatient. You should know this by now. 

Lorenz: Too bad. ;)

Claude: I  _ will _ say that I’m wearing something you bought me, Hildie. 

Hilda: That couldn’t possibly be less specific. 

Lysithea: You all had better appreciate this outfit. 

Lorenz: I’ll appreciate your presence more than anything.

Claude: Suuuuuure. 

Lorenz: Oh shut it, I’m being sincere.

Marianne: I’m sure you are. 

Marianne: And Hilda, I took your suggestion. 

Hilda: ;)

Raphael: All the pastries are done baking! I’m really proud of how the tarts turned out. 

Claude: Alright then. Let’s get this show on the road.

Lorenz: You still have to wait for an hour and a half. We’re starting at two, remember? 

Claude: Damnit.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Sunday, 3:15 p.m.—

Ingrid: Should we be concerned about the sounds coming from the GD common room? 

Sylvain: Worried? No. Jealous? Absolutely. 

Dimitri: Aren’t they just having tea together? 

Annette: …

Sylvain: …

Dimitri: There’s obviously something I’m missing. 

Sylvain: You’re so innocent.

Dorothea: Your Highness.

Dimitri: Yes?

Dorothea: They’re having a hardcore orgy. 

Dimitri: adjsgkhgrtfhgjkt

Ingrid: Oh boy.

Dedue: I’ll go ensure that he hasn’t passed out. 

__


	7. Get Ready To Howl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the wolves being added in things just got a whole lot more complicated.

Be Gay & Do (Actual) Crimes

—Monday, 3:15 p.m.—

Yuri: Love doesn’t exist, have a good day. 

Balthus: I- wait WAT.

Yuri: You can read, can’t you, dear? 

Balthus: The hell brought this on??

Constance: Balthus, nothing ever brings this on. It just happens. 

Hapi: Yuribird needs to maintain his queer edgelord image.

Balthus: PFFFT. You  _ are  _ overly edgy, dude. 

Yuri: Yes, laugh all you want. It doesn’t make my statement any less valid.

Constance: Hmmmm...

Constance: I do wonder about that. Certain evidence would suggest otherwise. 

Yuri: What are you talking about?

Hapi: She means you and Freckles.

Hapi: You’re a couple.

Yuri: … He told you, didn’t he? 

Constance: Not at all! You underestimate my powers of observation! Hahaha!

Hapi: He told both of us to be precise. 

Constance:  _ HAPI _

Balthus: Yuri! 

Balthus: You didn’t tell me you have a honey on the side! 

Yuri: I don’t. Have you forgotten that I’m aromantic?

Yuri: Though I  _ do  _ enjoy sleeping around. ;)

Constance: Everyone is  **_very_ ** aware. 

Constance: BUT, it appears as though Ashe is something of an exception. 

Yuri: Are you seriously telling me how  _ my mind _ works?

Hapi: Yup.

[Hapi has added Ashe to the group chat]

Hapi: We’ll prove it.

Balthus: Hey Ashe! We don’t see you often enough. 

Ashe: Uh, hi! Why am I… Oh. I got it. 

Ashe: You would see me all the time if a certain someone was a little less secretive. 

Yuri: Hello to you too, Ashe. 

Constance: Oh! Oooh!

Constance: I have a proposal.

Balthus: This is gonna be good!

Hapi: Lay it on us, Coco.

Constance: If Ashe can get Yuri to admit that love exists, we will join the 3H chat. 

Yuri: Constance. We’ve gone over this before.

Yuri: There is no way IN HELL we’re joining that madhouse.

Balthus: That madhouse seems like a helluva good time. For one thing, it’s got Hilda and Claude in it.

Hapi: That’s our B, going wherever the old shaft takes him.

Hapi: Gotta admit, though, I wouldn’t mind talking to Linny.

Constance: And I do so miss my stimulating conversations with Ferdinand! 

Yuri: You act as though you never see them. 

Constance: It simply isn’t often enough. 

Ashe: The chat’s actually pretty fun, Yuribird! I’d love it if you joined us! 

Yuri: Say Ashe, what’re you wearing right now?

Ashe: T-shirt and jeans. Why? 

Yuri: No reason, I just think they’d look great on my bedroom floor.

Balthus: Oh  _ shit _ .

Hapi: And so it begins. 

Ashe: O-Oh. Well…

Ashe: You’re so sweet, you put Hershey’s out of business!

Constance: Get him, Ashe! YOU CAN DO IT! 

Yuri: There’s nothing sweeter than the sounds you make when I’ve got you under me. 

Ashe: T-That’s- I-

Constance: You can’t do it. 

Hapi: Have faith. Freckles, you must breath and prepare a counterattack. 

Ashe: R-Right. Uh…

Ashe: If being in love was illegal, would you be my partner in crime?

Constance: He can’t do it.

Balthus: Constance, just stop talking. 

Balthus: The boy will kill Yuri with cuteness!

Yuri: I don’t know about that, but I’ll gladly kill your thighs if you sit on my face tonight. 

Ashe: akjbhdflkjashfgrw

Yuri: I think we’re done here. 

Balthus: DAMN IT

Ashe: Yuriiiiiiiiiii

Ashe: Why must you do this to meeeeeeeee

Hapi: I still believe! It’s not over ‘til it’s over! 

Ashe: You know what? I didn’t want to have to do this, but Yuri you’ve left me no choice. 

Ashe: I can’t fall asleep at night. Know why? Because reality with you is better than any dream.

Yuri: … Don’t try that precious shit with me. 

Constance: HE  _ CAN  _ DO IT. 

Balthus: COMEBACK OF THE MOTHERFUCKING CENTURY. 

Ashe: You’re just so good to me, Yuri. Even when my day sucks, it’s all worth it to cuddle up with you again.

Yuri: Forgoddess’sake what are you trying to prove???

Hapi: He’s  _ almost _ there!

Yuri: Can’t you just let me be a cynical bitch in peace?

Ashe: Don’t say that about yourself! 

Balthus: I mean… It isn’t exactly inaccurate. 

Constance: Now  _ you _ stop talking. 

Ashe: There isn’t a word in the dictionary that can describe how loving, thoughtful, and compassionate you are, Yuri. You’re always there for me, and that alone makes my life better.

Yuri: I will pay you to stop. 

Ashe: Um… Do you need a hug? I can be down there in no time!

Yuri: Fucking hell, Ashe. I’m fine, you’re just… 

Yuri: toofuckingcute

Balthus: We have ourselves a winner winner chicken dinner. 

Constance: I told you he’d succeed! 

Hapi: Sure, Coco. Sure.

Hapi: Nice job there, Freckles. :)

Ashe: Aw, I just described my feelings, that’s all.

Yuri: I can  _ feel _ you smirking behind that screen. 

Ashe: I can feel  _ you _ blushing behind yours. You taught me well. ;)

Ashe: Btw I love you, Yuribird! <3

Yuri: When I’m done with you, you’ll spend the rest of your life limping. 

Ashe: …

Balthus: Ooooookaaaaaay.

Balthus: Before you destroy him, there’s a chat we need to join. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

[Lysithea has added 4 people to the group chat.]

Lysithea: Just a heads up—you’re going to regret this. 

Yuri: Siiiiiiigh.

Yuri: Hi.

Claude: WE BOW TO OUR NEW OVERLORD.

Sylvain: WE’RE NOT WORTHY.

Dorothea: BOW DOWN BITCHES. 

Yuri: It’s an old line, but it appears my reputation precedes me.

Hilda: It abso-fucking-lutely does. 

Dorothea: Ladies and gentlemen, I present Yuri Sex-God LeClerc. Show some damn respect. 

Claude: I’m literally prostrated right now.

Yuri: Your fealty pleases me. I’m sure it will be… Useful. 

Claude: *excited noises*

Ashe: Yuri’s here!!!

Yuri: No amount of cuteness will keep me from destroying you. 

Ashe: ...i can live with that

Balthus: I guess the rest of us are chopped liver. 

Hilda: Hiya Baltie!

Balthus: HILDIE, CLAUDE I MISSED YOU. 

Claude: Oh sweet fuck, Balthus give us a hug. 

Hilda: He’s not kidding. Get your fine ass to Claude’s room right this instant. 

Balthus: Well shit. Who am I to turn down an invitation?

Ferdinand: Constance, are you here as well? 

Constance: Was there ever any doubt?

Ferdinand: We must have tea today. To celebrate. 

Constance: If you insist, hahaha!

Ferdinand: I strongly insist. 

Dorothea: Ferdie’s drooling. XD 

Ferdinand: I AM DOING NO SUCH THING. 

Hapi: @Linhardt What’s shakin’?

Linhardt: Hi this is Caspar, lemme wake Lin up.

Hapi: ‘Kay.

Linhardt: what 

Hapi: I’m here now. I thought you should know. 

Linhardt: Ah, the Antisocial Social Club reassembles.

Linhardt: If that’s all, goodnight.

Hapi: It’s 3:30. 

Linhardt: Goodnight.

Hapi: :)

Lorenz: I can’t tell if this is a good or bad development. 

Hilda: Are you mental? Of course it’s a good development.

Lorenz: While I’m happy that friends are getting to see one another… Something tells me that one week of peace won’t be enough to get me through this. 

Yuri: What?

Hilda: Long story.

Hilda: Basically, Lorenz wanted the Deer to keep things clean for a week.

Yuri: And you……………….  _ Succeeded _ ?

Lorenz: Just barely. 

Hilda: And then we had an orgy. 

Balthus: That sounds more like the Deer I know. 

Hilda: Shouldn’t you be taking care of Claude?

Claude: You reaaaally should be. 

Balthus: I’m on it. 

Dorothea: This has given me the most wonderful idea! 

Lorenz: Give me a moment to sigh. 

Lorenz: Alright. What’s your idea?

Dorothea: We need a list. A list of Garreg Mach’s best in bed. 

Yuri: I already know where _ I _ stand.

Sylvain: So do the rest of us. 

Sylvain: 1st—Yuri 

Yuri: Aw, shucks.

Ashe: Don’t pretend for five seconds you didn’t expect that. 

Dorothea: 

Garreg Mach’s Official Best In Bed

  1. Yuri
  2. Mercedes
  3. Hilda & Claude
  4. Ashe
  5. Sylvain
  6. Dorothea & Hubert
  7. Balthus
  8. Edelgard 
  9. Lorenz
  10. Dimitri



Ashe: I made 4th?! :D

Dorothea: You’re a damn good bottom. 

Hilda: Wait, are some people in the same spot? 

Dorothea: Threesome partners. 

Hilda: Ah.

Hilda: On another note, I can accept being under Mercie (in more ways than one), but I don’t know that Yuri’s number one. 

Sylvain: …

Dorothea: …

Ashe: ...

Hilda: I get that he’s good, but  _ that _ good?

Dorothea: ... Are you serious right now?

Yuri: You doubt my talents, Goneril?

Sylvain: Hilda, don’t do this. You’re up against a fucking god. 

Dorothea: Who do you think turned Ashe into the pimp he is today?

Ashe: Thanks, Dorthy! :)

Ashe: But Hilda, I am  **_nothing_ ** compared to my sensei-lover.

Hilda: Ehhhhhh. 

Yuri: Heh, this could be interesting. It’s been a while since someone challenged my title.

Hilda: Okay then, LeClerc. You. Me. Bed. Now. 

Yuri: I am already halfway there.

Sylvain: She has no clue what she’s brought upon herself. 

Dorothea: Some must learn the hard way. 

Ashe: @Yuri … You’ll still be good to destroy me right?

Yuri: Don’t you worry your pretty little head, dearest. 

—Monday, 6:30 p.m.—

Hilda: that

Hilda: might be the hardest i’ve ever come in my life.

Dorothea: Mm. The whole school heard your screams.

Hilda: exactly. i _never_ _scream_. 

Yuri: @Ashe

Yuri: Ready or not, I’m coming for you.

Ashe: Always ready! 

Sylvain: … The man is a machine.

Dorothea: Nay, neither man nor machine. He’s a  _ god _ . 

Dorothea: Also, it occurs to me that one list isn’t enough. We need one for the best oral. 

Sylvain: <— 

Hilda: wrecked as i am, i take first place for that. 

Lorenz: Excuse you? 

Lorenz: I’m certain that I am the most proficient one here.

Dorothea: Hmmmm… I’d say it’s me. 

Mercedes: As an unbiased party who has slept with all of you, I will make the official list. 

Mercedes:

Garreg Mach’s Best Oral

  1. Hilda
  2. Sylvain
  3. Lorenz
  4. Dorothea
  5. Petra 



Lorenz: Third???

Dorothea: Fourth????????? 

Sylvain: I’ll take second! 

Hilda: hell yes bitches. i eat cunt the way you all just ate your words. i suck dick the way all of you can suck my ass. 

Petra: Oh! I am most grateful to have been awarded fifth placement.

Petra: However… I would also like an opportunity to earn a higher place. 

Dorothea: SAME. 

Mercedes: I suppose that can be arranged. ;)

Sylvain: I want in on this. 

Lorenz: As do I. 

Mercedes: Hehe! One at a time, children!

Dorothea: Now that we’ve all agreed to take turns eating Mercie, we also need to discuss the best tops and bottoms. 

Dorothea: And there’s only one man I trust with the list of bottoms. @Caspar!

Caspar: What’s up? 

Hilda: scroll up.

Caspar: … Is it bad that I already had this list in my head? 

Sylvain: Just the opposite.

Caspar: Imma need to confer with Lin.

Caspar: Lemme wake him.

Linhardt: waz this bout lists?

Caspar: Best bottoms. Name five in descending order of “fuck yeah!”

Linhardt: Ugh effort.

Linhardt: 

Garreg Mach’s Top Bottoms

  1. Ashe
  2. Ignatz
  3. Bernadetta
  4. Claude
  5. Marianne



Caspar: You see that @Bernadetta??

Bernadetta: I’m So ReD. 

Caspar: You take it really well, babe. 

Linhardt: @Ignatz   
Linhardt: Do you see where you rank?

Ignatz: …

Ignatz: In the words of Bernie, “I’m So ReD”.

Linhardt: Dawww.

Dorothea: Y’all are too precious for this world. But, now we need the bottoms to tell us who the best tops are. 

Bernadetta: Assemble!

Bernadetta: Claude and Ashe are occupied, so…

Annette: Not technically a bottom, but I get topped a lot. 

Marianne: Oh wow I’m late… I’ll do my best!

Ignatz: Thanks, Mari! :)

Ignatz: Um, Caspar… always knows what he wants, but is super nice about it.

Sylvain: This is going to be adorable, isn’t it?

Caspar: I’m already having kittens, dude.

Bernadetta: I agree, Iggy! Caspar’s… Really gentle. And funny. 

Caspar: I fucking love both of you. 

Marianne: He sounds completely different from Leonie.

Marianne: She’s, well, Ignatz knows what I’m talking about.

Ignatz: Yeah, there’s no real point of comparison. They’re two entirely separate experiences. 

Hilda: @Leonie Aren’t you gonna fight for your crown?

Leonie: Don’t need to, my babies will do it for me.

Annette: I’m just saying that Mercie doesn’t need her toys to be completely in command. 

Sylvain: I’ll second that. 

Dorothea: Edie can get off just from having me submit to her. Ferdie and Petra can attest to that.

Ignatz: Then there’s Yuri.

Bernadetta: …

Marianne: …

Annette: …

Annette: Do we  _ have _ to say anything about Yuri?

Hilda: I will. 

Hilda: He fucked me ten ways to Sunday. I am never loud in bed, and this man made me yell. 

Ignatz: … Okayyy, I think we have our list.

Ignatz:

Garreg Mach’s Top Tops

  1. Mercedes
  2. Yuri
  3. Leonie
  4. Caspar
  5. Edelgard



Leonie: Hey, I’m happy with third! No mere mortals can do better than Yuri and Mercie.

Marianne: You do just fine, Leonie!

Ignatz: <3

Leonie: You guys are too pure.

Dorothea: Now for the real debate. Who's the greatest at switching? 

Linhardt: You DO realize that asking a switch to make a decision is akin to calling for a city hall debate.

Dorothea: This simply must be done. 

Dorothea: CALLING ALL SWITCHES! 

Constance: @Hapi, it is your time to shine!

Hilda: Have you just been lurking here without saying anything? 

Constance: It’s what I do best, dear. ;)

Hapi: Say what?

Hapi: Oh. I am the best switch here hands down. 

Sylvain: I’m gonna have to nominate @Ingrid. 

Ingrid: What’s going on-

Ingrid: Fuckingwhy

Sylvain: You KNOW why. ;)

Petra: I have been often told that I am quite capable in my switching between positions.

Dorothea: Guys. GUYS. She pinned Edie to the wall, teased the shit out of her, then pulled Edie on down top of her and  _ begged _ . 

Hapi: Damn. 

Bernadetta: O.O

Bernadetta: I-I think we have our list, guys.

Bernadetta:

Garreg Mach’s Best Switches

  1. Petra
  2. Linhardt
  3. Hapi
  4. Ashe (on _occasion_ )
  5. Ingrid



Caspar: To be fair, that is a very, very rare occasion. 

Ignatz: Yeah, and usually  _ I  _ have to be involved.

Linhardt: I’m rather proud of myself.

Caspar: You should be. Now if only you’d switch with  _ me _ more often. 

Linhardt: Mmmmmm not happening.

Bernadetta: Keep trying, Caspie!

Ingrid: Should fifth place flatter or upset me? I have no idea. 

Sylvain:  _ Flatter _ , dear. Trust me. 

Dorothea: And last but certainly not least…

Dorothea: Who has the filthiest mouth? 

Sylvain: Me without a doubt. 

Dorothea: Oh honey, please.

Hilda: I DEMAND a dirty talk competition. 

Ingrid: Goddess above. 

Dorothea: BEGIN!

Dorothea: Do you have any room for an extra tongue in your mouth?

Sylvain: I’m gonna have sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there.

Dorothea: I need a ride tonight, so how about I hop on your dick? 

Sylvain: As long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit.

Dorothea: I hope you know my name, because you’ll be screaming it later. 

Sylvain: I wanna wear you like a pair of glasses—one leg over each ear. 

Yuri: The only reason I’d kick either of you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor. At the same time. 

Sylvain: Daymn!

Dorothea: Double dayum. 

Hilda: Welp. We just got the top three. And Yuri is definitely on top (as usual). 

Hilda: Wait, aren’t you supposed to be destroying Ashe?

Yuri: I am.

Hilda: Oh that is hot. 

Dorothea: I bow before you LeClerc. 

Yuri: GTG, but if you still wanna bow I’ll be happy to get you on your knees tomorrow. 

Dorothea: ;)

Hilda: He’s definitely gonna be working Ashe all night.

Hilda:

Garreg Mach’s Best Dirty Talkers

  1. Yuri
  2. Sylvain/Dorothea
  3. Claude
  4. Ingrid
  5. Ferdinand (on _special_ _occasions_ )



Ferdinand: Excuse you. I am a GENTLEMAN on ALL occasions. 

Dorothea: Not allllll occasions, Ferdie.

Ferdinand: Name  _ one _ . 

Ferdinand: Oh wait wait wait-

Dorothea: Harem Night. 

Caspar: Yeah man! You sure do run your mouth when you like what you see. 

Linhardt: I believe you told Ashe he made cat stockings look like sin itself. 

Sylvain: That right there is a good line. Hope you don’t mind if I use it.

Ferdinand: I thought we agreed to never bring up  _ anything _ I said. 

Caspar: What agreement are you talking about, dude? XD

Ferdinand: The one I just came up with. 

Linhardt: Hmm. Talk like that next time, and we have ourselves a deal. 

Ferdinand: Ugh. Deal. 

Caspar: No point in denying that you like it buddy. 

Ingrid: Why. Why am I on this list.

Sylvain: Do you want the long answer or the short one? 

Ingrid: Short, please.

Sylvain: You’ve said things that have made Felix blush. 

Dorothea: HOLY WOW GIRL. 

Ingrid: Well… Okay, fair. 

—Monday, 11:00 p.m.— 

Bernadetta: I… That… Hoo boy.

Ignatz: i can’t feel my rear.

Bernadetta: What time is it? 

Caspar: After 11:00. You okay babes?

Bernadetta: Did… Did Lin eat me for over an hour…? 

Ignatz: i dunno. does time mean anything anymore?

Caspar: Lin’s always dating time is an illusion. To answer your question Bernie, I have never seen him that… Hungry before. 

Ignatz: i’m a little worried. i srsly still can’t feel my butt

Mercedes: I can take a look at you, dear.

Caspar: HOLY- MERCEDES WHERE DID YOU

Caspar: Fuck. 

Ignatz: oh gosh no

Bernadetta: I’m going to find a hole to crawl into. 

Ignatz: id join u if i could walk

Edelgard: It’s good to see that the harem’s still going strong. Is Dorothea with you? 

Caspar: Not  _ this _ time, no. 

Caspar: Ignatz, babe, you okay? I didn’t hurt you did I…?

Ignatz: the feelings coming back. pretty sure i’m okay 

Caspar: Sorry, I shouldn’t have been so rough. 

Ignatz: noooooo, u were amazing.

Leonie: @Caspar

Leonie: Sometimes Iggy can’t walk for a bit after I rail him. Are you bleeding baby?

Ignatz: no just sore.

Leonie: He’s probably fine. Don’t panic. From what I’ve heard, I’m rougher than you. 

Caspar: You guys have crazy standards.

Edelgard: Has anyone here seen Dorothea? 

Mercedes: No, why? Is something the matter?

Edelgard: Well, based on my ranking on the top list, it seems as though I’m not impressing my girlfriend enough. 

Caspar: Oooooh, I getcha now.

Mercedes: Don’t take it too hard, dearie. 

Edelgard: Trust me Mercie. I won’t be the one taking it  _ hard _ . 

Mercedes: Hehe! Atta girl!

Hubert: Speaking of missing persons, where on earth is Ferdinand? 

Caspar: Maybe with Constance?

Edelgard: With Constance you say… 

Edelgard: I have a feeling I know where Dorothea is. 

__


	8. DON’T Seduce The Professor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A special someone gets in on the chaos.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Saturday, 4:05 a.m.—

[Lysithea has added B to the group chat.] 

Lysithea: Welcome! Welcome! 

B: Hmm. I do wonder if we’re all going to end up regretting this. 

Lysithea: Trust me, it’ll be fun. Have I ever steered you wrong? 

B: -_- 

Lysithea: This week? 

B: -_- 

Lysithea: Today? 

B: We shall see. 

Caspar: wat da piss is happenin 

—Saturday, 8:05 a.m.— 

Lysithea: @Claude

Lysithea: What the hell did you do? 

Claude: Good morning my love! 

Lysithea: Ohmyfuck who did you add? 

Claude: Just someone who’s _very_ special to everyone here. 

Hubert: … You wouldn’t. 

Lysithea: Please for the love of the Goddess say you _didn’t_. 

B: He did. 

Hubert: I

Hubert: I’m going to pass out. 

Claude: Aw c’mon Teach, you could have kept the mystery going for a little while longer. 

B: No point. 

Lysithea: This is just 

Lysithea: why

Dimitri: …professor…? 

B: Yes, Dimitri? 

Dimitri: PROFESSOR???

B: Good morning, Dimitri. 

Dimitri: pRoFeSsOr

B: I’m fine. How are you, Dimitri? 

Dedue: His Highness appears to be in great distress.

Dedue: Ah. I see. Hello, Professor Byleth. 

B: Hello, Dedue. 

Hubert: That’s ALL you have to say about THIS? 

Dedue: What’s done is done. 

Hubert: @Edelgard

Hubert: @Edelgard

Hubert: @Edelgard

Edelgard: What the fuck is

Edelgard: MY TEACHER

B: Good to see you, Edelgard. 

B: What the fuck I am is an amused pan. 

Claude: Pfffft. 

Edelgard: @Claude @Dimitri

Edelgard: Might we discuss this in private? 

Their Royal Highnesses + Claude

Dimitri: whywhywhywhywhywhy

Edelgard: You had best explain yourself. 

Claude: You both know exactly why this is happening. 

Edelgard: NO WE MOTHERSHITTING DON’T 

Dimitri: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Claude: Day after day I’ve listened to you two whine about wanting to get to know Teach better, but neither of you ever had the guts to approach. What better way than this? 

Edelgard: If this is your only justification I am going to murder you, dismember your body, and feed the pieces to the monastery dogs. 

Dimitri: and I will let her 

Claude: Okay, okay. It’s not the only reason. 

Claude: The other reason is… Honestly, it should be pretty obvious. Out of all the possible chats, why would I add them to _this_ one? 

Dimitri: … 

Edelgard: OOOOOOOHHHHHHGODDDDESSSSSS. 

Dimitri: You can not _possibly_ be implying what I think you’re implying. 

Edelgard: Sothis, if you exist, if you ever existed, give me a sign. 

Dimitri: CLAUDE

Claude: Pretty sure I hear Teach calling me. 

Claude: For something that’s definitely important and not at all made up. 

Edelgard: I’m going to fuck you up von Riegan. 

Claude: ;) 

You Know What This Is (wink)

Annette: Professor, do you prefer she/her or they/them? 

B: Either is fine.

Caspar: Gotcha! 

B: I’ll let you know if I have a preference at any given time. 

Bernadetta: I think it’ll be nice having you here to, um, regulate things. 

B: Sure. Regulate. I can do that. 

Caspar: Anywho.

Caspar: @B I gotta know. Who are your faves?

Dimitri: Caspar, I doubt the Professor has “faves”. 

B: I absolutely have favorites. 

Dimitri: P-Professor! 

B: Why are you complaining? You’re one of them. 

Dimitri: … Never mind then. 

Edelgard: AM I ONE OF THEM? 

Hubert: Your Majesty, this is a bit unbecoming. 

Edelgard: SHUT. 

Claude: My Goddess you two are _whipped_. 

B: Here’s my current top 5. 

B: 1) Bernadetta, 2) Marianne, 3) Dimitri, 4) Mercedes, 5) Dorothea 

Bernadetta: Oh that’s… sooooo much pressure! 

Claude: This list makes so much sense I’m not even offended that I’m not on it. 

Annette: Well _I_ am! 

Lysithea: Admittedly… So am I! 

Edelgard: … my teacher… 

Edelgard: WHAT DOES DIMITRI HAVE THAT I DON’T??? 

Dimitri: Now, now Edelgard. Let’s not turn this into a contest. 

Dedue: It may be a bit late for that, Your Highness. 

B: He’s a golden retriever in human form—the ultimate good boi. Why do you think I give him so many head pats? He’s my good, golden boi. 

Dimitri: afdygjotiopv 

Dedue: Oh dear. 

Edelgard: AM I NOT A GOOD EAGLE GORL? 

Hubert: … 

Claude: I am screenshotting allllll of this. 

B: @Edelgard 

B: You hold a very special place in my nonexistent heart. 

Edelgard: :((((((((

Hubert: Someone make this stop. 

B: Hmm. Edie. 

Edelgard: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss?

B: Office. 

Edelgard: running 

Hubert: Do I even want to know? 

B: She needs special attention. 

B: @Lysithea 

B: Mute this chat for the next few hours. 

Claude: Wait what

Lysithea: Only if it gets me on your favorite list. 

B: You just replaced Dorothea. 

Claude: WAI

[You Know What This Is (wink) has been muted.] 

—Saturday, 3:15 p.m.—

[You Know What This Is (wink) has been unmuted.] 

Hilda: WHY AM I NOT A FAVORITE. 

B: Do your homework and then we’ll talk.

Dorothea: More importantly, I want my spot back. 

Dorothea: And _more_ importantly than that—just what kind of attention has Edie been getting these past few HOURS? 

B: Um, flowers? And tea?

Dorothea: Damnit. I thought she’d finally gotten that gate open for the rest of us. 

B: The horniness here is literally killing me. 

Hilda: Can we pretty please date you professor? 

B: -_-

Hilda: pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassssssse 

Yuri: You’ll catch more flies with honey than desperation, dear. 

B: For fuck’s sake. You’re here too?

Yuri: ;)

—Saturday, 6:05 p.m.—

B: What have I done. 

Claude: Something wrong, Teach? 

B: It just occurred to me that I may have given the crown prince of Faerghus a good boy kink. 

Claude: PFFFFFT 

Sylvain: Shit, you really _did_ , didn’t you? 

Dimitri: You did NO such thing!! 

Sylvain: You’re a good boy, Dima. 

Dimitri: … shut up. 

Claude: You’re a _very_ good boy, Dima. 

[Dimitri has left the chat.] 

B: I’ve doomed him. 

Claude: In the best possible way. 

B: Welp, nothing to be done now. 

B: I challenge everyone to a Just Dance battle. 

Constance: I accept this noble challenge! 

Constance: And I SHALL emerge victorious. 

Sylvain: I’m _sure_ you weren’t lurking here for any particular reason. 

Constance: Hush you! 

Constance: If you must speak, we shall converse on the dance floor. 

Mercedes: A dance off with the Professor sounds fun! I’ll be there. 

Caspar: She called _all_ of us out. You better believe I’m gonna be there. 

Yuri: Hmm… Count me in. 

Hapi: Wow, even Yuribird’s stepping up. I better make popcorn for this. 

Constance: @Hapi You’ll root for me, right, my love? 

Hapi: ‘Course I will, Coco. 

Hapi: And if you win… Well, who really knows. 

Yuri: There should definitely be a winky face at the end of that statement. 

Constance: I

Constance: Shall

Constance: PREVAIL. 

Yuri: I wouldn’t be so certain. 

—Saturday, 9:30 p.m.— 

B: You’re all fired. 

Balthus: What’d I miss? 

Balthus: Wait, does that mean I should pack my bags??

Claude: Buddy, do you even _go_ here? 

Balthus: Uhhhhhhhh

Yuri: Shh. 

B: You’re fired from _life_. 

Sylvain: That sounds like a threat. 

Sylvain: I’m scared and aroused at the same time. 

B: Can you just… _Try_ to tone down the horniness around me? For the sake of my sanity. 

Ingrid: Siiiiigh.

Ingrid: What happened? 

Claude: Our Lord and Savior Yuri _somehow_ made Ra Ra Rasputin sensual. 

Ingrid: WH

Ingrid: YOU CAN’T SEDUCE OUR _PROFESSOR._

Yuri: Au contraire. There’s nothing in the school’s handbook that explicitly forbids it. 

Ingrid: THAT SORT OF SHIT IS _PRETTY_ _HEAVILY_ IMPLIED. 

Yuri: Besides, I daresay it looked like our Professor enjoyed herself. 

Yuri: I even got a _smile_.

Ingrid: THAT

Ingrid: wait what

Claude: Oh how the chivalrous have fallen. 

___


	9. Is This REALLY Worth It??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, no it’s not.

The Quad

—Sunday, 6:05 a.m.— 

Claude: I love you three. I don’t think I’ll ever say that often enough. 

Marianne: <3

Marianne: You’re all so good to me. I adore you. 

Lysithea: I don’t want to imagine living without you. 

Hilda: My life has only gotten better since I met you. 

Hilda: Claude, you know how you always say your life is a giant scandal? Well, you’re _our_ scandal. 

Lysithea: She’s right—no matter what anyone says, you’re one of the most beautiful people on the planet; body and soul. 

Claude: Daaaaaaww. You’re gonna make me blush. 

Marianne: You’re cute when you blush. I wish we could get you to do it more often. 

Lysithea: It’s funny. I never thought I’d willingly be so… 

Hilda: Mushy? 

Lysithea: I was going to say sentimental, but sure. 

Hilda: Same difference. 

Claude: Speaking of which, you’ve said the sweetest things recently. 

Lysithea: I had to try and step my game up with you and Hilda around. 

Marianne: Try and very much succeed. I fall apart when you call me darling. 

Hilda: That happens to me every time you smile, Mari. 

Claude: Big same. 

Lysithea: ^^^^ <3 

Lysithea: You deserve all the happiness in the world. 

Marianne: I already have that. I have all of you. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Sunday, 1:15 p.m.— 

Byleth: Good afternoon. After the last few weeks of observation, I compiled this list. 

Byleth: 

Those Who CANNOT Go Without

  1. Hilda
  2. Claude
  3. Leonie
  4. Caspar
  5. Edelgard
  6. Dorothea
  7. Felix
  8. Sylvain
  9. Ashe 
  10. Balthus



Felix: What the hell is this?

Felix: Why am I on this list?

Byleth: Take a wild guess. 

Felix: You underestimate me, Professor.

Ingrid: @Felix Wait a second… You’re higher up than _Sylvain_ is. That’s hilarious. 

Sylvain: And for good reason. 

Felix: Don’t. Even. Start.

Edelgard: @Byleth Excuse you, I can resist my carnal desires. 

Hubert: I say this with all due respect—you are incapable of such a thing.

Edelgard: Oh really now?

Hilda: @Byleth Pssh, I could go a week without to become one of your favorites. 

Byleth: Alright. For no reason other than my own amusement, I’m proposing a bet. 

Byleth: Anyone on this list who can be abstinent for an entire week will be given extra credit _and_ added to my list of favorites. 

Edelgard: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. 

Hubert: Goddess save us. 

Edelgard: You aren’t even a believer. 

Felix: @Sylvain @Ingrid @Dimitri 

Felix: I don’t need you in my life. 

Dimitri: HUH?

Felix: At least, not for the rest of the week. 

Sylvain: Bitch, please.

Felix: I’m being serious. 

Dimitri: Why are you isolating your lovers?

Felix: I won’t be able to concentrate with your horny bullshit in my life. 

Dimitri: But… Dear, that's _Sylvain_ , not me or Ingrid!

Felix: It’s all three of you behind closed doors. 

Ingrid: You are making Dimitri sad, damnit.

Felix: Deal with it. See ya in a week. 

Sylvain: He _did not_ just…

Dimitri: … 

Ingrid: Okay, Fe. Have it your way. 

Hilda: Alright then, game on!

Hilda: @Claude @Lysithea @Marianne I’ll be going sex-free for a week. 

Claude: dguonophopprqw

Claude: EXCUSE ME? 

Marianne: I’m concerned. 

Lysithea: I’m amused. 

Hilda: It’s not like I’ll be avoiding you guys. 

Claude: -_- 

Marianne: Ohhhhhh dear. 

Claude: Alright then, Hildie. We’ll see how long you last.

Edelgard: @Hubert @Dorothea @Petra I regret to inform you that I will be refraining from intimate activities for the next several days. 

Petra: Okay.

Hubert: Your Majesty. 

Hubert: I _beg_ you to reconsider. 

Dorothea: Is this… _really_ necessary?

Petra: You _do_ tend to be getting upset when you go without for long periods of time. 

Edelgard: Absolutely. 

Edelgard: The week will be over before you know it. 

Golden Memes

—Monday, 11:05 a.m.—

Lorenz: @Hilda 

Lorenz: IS IT TRUE? 

Lorenz: Are you going to abstain for _seven whole days?_

Hilda: You’d better believe it. 

Lorenz: I can’t believe it. Lady Seiros has blessed me with another seven days of peace. 

Leonie: Pffft. I wouldn’t be so sure pal. 

Hilda: You fool.

Hilda: [WhoNeedsContext.jpg]

Lorenz: Sweet Sothis not this again. 

Lorenz: I’d argue that abstaining means avoiding all things sinful. 

Leonie: He _does_ have a point. 

Hilda: @Claude Back me up here. 

Claude: You’re on your own, sweetheart.

Leonie: … oh shiiiiiiiiiit… 

Hilda: Wha

Hilda: WHY. 

Claude: Don’t play dumb with me. You _know_ why.

Leonie: ohhhhh fuuuuuuuuuck. 

Leonie: I’m gonna need popcorn for this. 

Lysithea: Allow me to join you. 

Hilda: You can live without me for one week! 

Claude: Wow.

Claude: I guess I’m not worthy of your attention anymore. 

Lysithea: Is this popcorn salted?

Leonie: You know it. 

Hilda: Oh c’mon. Babe, this has nothing to do with you. 

Claude: Oh, I’d say that it ABSOLUTELY does.

Claude: At least Balthus hugs me every day. What do I get from you? _Nothing_.

Hilda: … I _also_ hug you every day. 

Claude: I get _nothing_! It’s like you’ve forgotten about me!

Claude: I’ll see you in three days when you call this off. 

Leonie: I’m screenshotting all this shit. 

Lysithea: You’d better send that shit to me. 

Lorenz: This might actually be _worse_ than the usual. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

—Monday, 2:30 p.m.— 

Felix: @Sylvain Got to say, I’ve been more productive lately. 

—Monday, 2:40 p.m.— 

Felix: @Sylvain

Felix: You’ve probably been getting more work done.

—Monday, 3:00 p.m.—

Felix: @Dimitri @Ingrid What the hell is up with Sylvain?

—Monday, 3:20 p.m.—

Felix: What. Is. Happening. 

Dedue: I imagine they’re fairly cross with you. 

Annette: “Cross”. HA!

Annette: That is putting it lightly.

Mercedes: Felix, you should probably call this off and apologize. 

Felix: And let them _win?_

Dedue: I doubt there will be any winners here. 

Ashe: Is this really worth it? 

Felix: Yes. Yes it is. 

Ultimate Eagles

—Monday, 5:20 p.m.— 

Hubert: Lady Edelgard. 

Hubert: Your productive capabilities have already decreased. 

Edelgard: It’s been a day. I’m _fine_. 

Caspar: You’ve had more coffee than Hubert. _Hubert_. 

Bernadetta: O_O

Bernadetta: Is that even possible? 

Hubert: It _shouldn’t_ be...

Edelgard: I got all my work done. I’m perfectly fine. 

Linhardt: I’m sure.

Dorothea: Edie, I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve left me no choice. 

Dorothea: I’m revising the list of Garreg Mach’s Best Tops. 

Dorothea: 

Garreg Mach’s Top Tops

  1. Edelgard
  2. Mercedes
  3. Yuri
  4. Leonie
  5. Caspar



Linhardt: She just crushed her cup of scalding hot coffee. 

Caspar: Fucking OW.

Ferdinand: Ah, she went to Jorge’s! That establishment brews excellent tea! 

Bernadetta: You’re not helping, Ferdie!

Bernadetta: Is she okay?! 

Petra: Hubert has sprinted to her aid. 

Dorothea: You see that Edie? Wouldn’t you like to be on top of more than just this list? 

Edelgard: No.

Edelgard: Comment. 

Golden Memes

—Tuesday, 12:15 p.m.—

Hilda: @Lysithea You good for a study sesh?

Lysithea: If by “study sesh” you mean me doing all of your homework, then no.

Hilda: I mean _actually_ study. I need help with some math. 

Lysithea: In that case, I’m on my way. 

Ignatz: O.O

Leonie: …

Lorenz: ...This is…

Raphael: YOU’RE PUTTING EFFORT INTO SOMETHING?

Hilda: Fuck all of you. I can be productive when I want to. 

Claude: Ooh, poor choice of words there, Hildie.

Hilda: … I will pay you to not dirty talk at me. 

Claude: We both know that my mouth can do _much_ more than flirt. ;)

Hilda: DON’T. TEMPT. ME. I have homework to do. 

Claude: You’ll crack soon enough, my dear. And when you do, I’ll be here waiting.

Ultimate Eagles

—Tuesday, 3:30 p.m.—

Petra: @Edelgard

Petra: Would you like to go to bed today? 

Edelgard: Ye

Edelgard: NO. No, but thank you, Petra.

Linhardt: Ah, the old Freudian slip.

Caspar: Y’know, there’s a reason why I’m not even attempting this challenge. 

Bernadetta: You’re just torturing yourself! And for WHAT?

Edelgard: I WILL BE A FAVORITE IF IT KILLS ME

Edelgard: I mean, it’s good to exercise self-control from time to time. 

Ferdinand: …

Ferdinand: Very well. Who am I to question Her Majesty.

Hubert: I’m going to put on a pot of coffee. And every single drop is for me. 

Edelgard: I order you to share. 

Hubert: You’ve surpassed your caffeine limit for the day. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

—Tuesday, 6:40 p.m.— 

Ashe: @Felix

Ashe: So, is there a reason why you’re punching your wall? I can hear the thudding from the common room. 

Felix: No

Felix: Particular

Felix: Reason

Annette: I _would_ fetch Sylvain and Ingrid, but they’ve instated a strict no-Felix embargo.

Felix: That’s fine. But can one of you tell them to KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN? 

Ashe: Pfffff.

Ashe: You mean keep their _fucking_ down?

Annette: LMAO

Annette: I love you. And speaking of fucking… 

Ashe: I can make myself available! :)

Ashe: And I love you too!

Mercedes: @Felix You’re going to hurt your hand if you keep that up. 

Felix: Pain can be a useful distraction under the right circumstances.

Dedue: Last I checked, your partners were playing video games. Why is that frustrating you so much? 

Felix: VIDEO GAMES???

Felix: Ah, so they’re messing with me.

Mercedes: Well now he’s hitting the wall even harder. 

Ultimate Eagles

—Wednesday, 4:30 p.m.—

Edelgard: Before _any_ of you say _anything_ , I want you to know that I am perfectly fine.

Linhardt: [ThisIsWhatFineLooksLike.jpg] 

Caspar: That is depression in human form. 

Ferdinand: Goodness… Pardon me for saying so, but you look like death warmed over.

Dorothea: Edie, P L E A S E, let us help you.

Edelgard: I’ve survived worse. 

Hubert: You’re barely living. 

Bernadetta: Um, are all those empty coffee cups yours? Because… that’s a lot. 

Petra: These signs do not bode well.

Hubert: Your Majesty, I volunteer as tribute.

Edelgard: I’m. Surviving. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

—Wednesday, 6:05 p.m.—

Felix: @Sylvain

Felix: I was wrong okay? I was completely and utterly wrong about everything. 

Sylvain: That’s nice, dear.

Felix: Then _please_. 

Sylvain: Hm? Please what?

Felix: Let. Me. Have. You. 

Sylvain: Oh, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Felix: I was wrong, I was an idiot, I was a total jerk. What else do you need to hear???

Sylvain: I don’t need to hear _anything_. You said you could go a week without us, and it’s my job to hold you to that.

Annette: Oh how the tables have turned. 

Mercedes: Has Felix left his room today? 

Ingrid: I wouldn’t know.

Felix: Goddess damnit I’M SORRY. 

Ingrid: I’m glad you could bring yourself to say that.

Ingrid: But we both know who you hurt the most.

Felix: @Dimitri I didn’t mean that I didn’t need any of you _at all_. 

—Wednesday, 6:20 p.m.—

Ashe: Hooooo boy. This is going to be a long week. 

Dedue: That is an understatement. 

Golden Memes

—Wednesday, 10:05 p.m.— 

Hilda: @Claude

Hilda: STAHP. 

Claude: Stop what, dear? This?

Claude: [Calisthenics.jpg]

Hilda: Fuck. You. 

Claude: I WISH YOU WOULD.

Lorenz: Lady Seiros has once again forsaken me. 

Raphael: What’re you talking about? This is hilarious!

Lysithea: I’ll admit it’s getting a bit… Annoying for me. 

Leonie: Oh shit wait… Is Claude not putting out AT ALL?

Marianne: You’re, unfortunately, correct. 

Ignatz: … I can’t- We are living in a world where both _Claude von Riegan_ and _Hilda Valentine Goneril_ are being abstinent. My head hurts. 

Leonie: This is fucking historic. Is there a way I can, like, _frame_ this moment?

Hilda: @Claude DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO? 

Claude: Yes.

Claude: YOU.

[Hilda has left the group chat]

Claude: Whatever, I’m out.

[Claude has left the group chat]

Lorenz: He can’t leave, he’s the _admin_!

Leonie: Not anymore.

Raphael: This shit is crazy!!!

Lysithea: I’ll add them back into the chat later.

Lysithea: ...She’ll crack soon, right? 

Marianne: For all our sakes, let’s hope so.

Ultimate Eagles

—Thursday, 5:00 a.m.— 

Petra: I believe things are officially not going well.

Hubert: Her productivity just hit zero. It’s a _nightmare_. 

Dorothea: Is there ANYBODY who can reach her at this point?

Edelgard: im fineee

Linhardt: Do I need to send another picture? 

Edelgard: DON’T YOU _FUCKING_ DARE

Linhardt: ...

Caspar: Okaaaaay

Caspar: I think this is getting a little tense. 

Bernadetta: What do you mean, “getting”?!

Edelgard: I’m sorry. I’m just a bit irate at the moment. 

Dorothea: Edelgard, please. Just say the word, and I’ll be there.

Edelgard: I must resist.

Dorothea: _YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE TO_!

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

—Thursday, 4:05 p.m.— 

Ashe: @Felix

Ashe: You look like you’re actually in pain. 

Felix: You know what???

Felix: FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. 

Sylvain: Well then.

Ingrid: Who pissed in his cereal?

Felix: THE THREE OF _YOU_. 

Sylvain: Ew.

Ingrid: Dimitri has no part in this, seeing how you broke his heart.

Felix: … Is he _that_ upset? 

Ingrid: WHY would I lie about this?

Felix: I’ll… apologize in person at the end of the week. 

Sylvain: Ooooh! At the _end of the week_!

Felix: It’s time for me to stop being a bitch and lie in the bed I made for myself. 

Sylvain: So dramatic.

Dedue: What kind of extra credit could possibly be worth all of this?

Golden Memes

—Thursday, 11:15 p.m.—

Claude: @Hilda

Claude: Bae, please, I need you inside me.

Claude: [GotMyselfReady.jpg]

Hilda: FuckinghellIwantyourbodyinmylife

Hilda: But… It’s only a few more days. I can wait. _You_ can wait. 

Claude: Wha… No I can’t! You’re not- This-

Claude: What do I need to do to get you over here??? I’ll ride you into the morning, eat you like you’re ice cream, ANYTHING. Just lemme _love_ you!

Lysithea: … Okay, I’m just going to admit that I want to watch that. 

Hilda: Not. Helping. Lys. 

Claude: ...So you’re not coming over.

Hilda: … Unfortunately… no… 

—Thursday, 11:30 p.m.—

Hilda: @Claude …?

Lysithea: Oh this bodes well.

Marianne: This was doomed from the start, wasn’t it? 

Ultimate Eagles

—Friday, 11:00 a.m.— 

Dorothea: I have once again decided to revise the list. 

Dorothea: 

Garreg Mach’s Top Tops

  1. Mercedes
  2. Yuri
  3. Leonie
  4. Caspar
  5. -
  6. -
  7. -
  8. -
  9. -
  10. -
  11. -
  12. -
  13. -
  14. -
  15. Alois
  16. Edelgard



Edelgard: WHY IS ALOIS HERE? 

Dorothea: So you can be beneath him. 

Linhardt: Oh the spite. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

—Friday, 12:00 p.m.— 

Felix: @Sylvain @Ingrid

Felix: Is Dimitri alright? 

Sylvain: If you _really cared_ , Felix, you’d get down here and see him right now.

Ingrid: Ouch.

Felix: Does he even _want_ to see me? 

Sylvain: It would certainly make him feel loved.

Felix: I

Felix: I think I’ll do that now. 

Ingrid: He’s in his room. He’s been there since you said you **_didn’t need him_ **. 

Felix: Well shit. 

Sylvain: Yeah. Shit. 

—Friday, 1:15 p.m.—

Felix: @Dimitri

Felix: Please, let me in.

Felix: It’s so fucking cliché, but I didn’t know what I had until it was gone.

Dimitri: Were you lying about wanting to be with me? It’s fine if you don’t want to. I can handle it. 

Felix: I’d never lie about that. I’m just an asshole. I went too far this time. I’m sorry. 

Dimitri: It’s okay. I deserve it.

Felix: CUT THAT THE FUCK OUT. 

Felix: You deserve _nothing but good things._ You deserve better than feeling unloved. 

Dimitri: Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad.

Felix: I’m not mad, damnit. Can you just open the door and let me hold you? 

Dimitri: Ok.

—Friday, 1:40 p.m.— 

Ingrid: Better. Much better. 

Sylvain: And thus, order is restored.

Felix: I’m an idiot. 

Ingrid: No question.

Ingrid: But… *sigh* You’re _our_ idiot.

Felix: And… From now on, I’ll try to be less of a jerk. 

Sylvain: That’s all anyone could ask for. Just don’t suppress what makes you yourself. We _do_ love our headstrong edgelord, after all. :)

Felix: I don’t mean I’m going to turn into Mr. Sunshine. I’ll just dial it back a bit. 

Golden Memes

—Friday, 3:30 p.m.— 

Marianne: @Hilda

Marianne: I don’t think Claude is being difficult. He looks… genuinely hurt.

Hilda: Oh fucking shit what have I done. 

Hilda: @Claude BABY PLEASE TALK TO ME

Claude: hi

Hilda: I’m so sorry I hurt you, I didn’t think you’d take it so hard. 

Claude: are you just trying to get rid of me?

Hilda: NONONONONO

Hilda: I would NEVER want that EVER. 

Claude: then please come find me

Marianne: Hildie, this can’t possibly be worth it. 

Hilda: Fuck it, I’m gonna go hug him. Where is he? 

Lysithea: His room I think. 

—Friday, 3:45 p.m.— 

Marianne: @Hilda Did you find him? 

Hilda: Mhm. And I haven’t let him go since. 

Marianne: That’s more like it. :)

Ignatz: Awwwww!

Raphael: The Boys are Back in Town!

Lorenz: @Raphael I’m sorry, what?

Hilda: Babes, you guys know I love you, right? 

Marianne: Of course!

Lysithea: Pfft. How could we not? :)

Claude: i know that too… sorry i doubted you. 

Hilda: It’s fine. It’s fair. I know you’re a physical person. I should have at least cuddled with you. 

Claude: this whole experience was cruel and unusual.

Marianne: I AGREE. 

Lysithea: ^^^

Hilda: I am never doing this shit ever again. 

Leonie: So, you’re quitting the challenge? 

Hilda: WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

Lysithea: Praise the Goddess. 

Ultimate Eagles

—Friday, 6:25 p.m.— 

Edelgard: ToDaY iS a GoOd DaY

Linhardt: Someone please take her phone away.

Edelgard: mY pReScIoUs 

Ferdinand: You have been displaying _all_ the signs of sleep depravity.

Edelgard: I sLeePT GreeeeAAAAt afTer My LAst bATCH oF COFFee. 

Dorothea: …

Dorothea: @Hubert As much as I wanna help her, I think you’re better equipped to handle this.

Hubert: At this point, I must do what needs to be done. Wish me luck. 

Petra: I wish you luck!

Ferdinand: I am certain you can do this, darling!

Hubert: Forgive me, Your Majesty. 

Edelgard: BiTCH dOn’ tRy mE!

Bernadetta: Hold on, what exactly is he doing? 

Caspar: We’ll just have to trust him on this. 

—Friday, 6:50 p.m.—

Petra: She is asleep! It is a miracle!

Ferdinand: @Hubert What kind of magic did you employ? 

Hubert: Sleeping pills. Although I _did_ have to put them in her coffee which does seem counter productive.

Caspar: HOLY SHIT DOES THAT MEAN YOU DRUGGED HER? 

Linhardt: Caspar, that _literally_ means he drugged her.

Dorothea: I’ll go ahead and say that it was definitely for the greater good. 

Hubert: Thank you. She did attempt to claw my face off, though.

Ferdinand: SHE _WHAT_?

Hubert: I assure you, it’s nothing. The attack was weakened by her sleep deprivation. 

Ferdinand: Do not start with me, darling. I am coming to you right this instant!

Dorothea: As am I. Petra, be a dear and knock Edie out if she wakes up too soon. 

Petra: I will use proper form when doing so.

Bernadetta: This sure did escalate. A lot.

Linhardt: Eh, it helps that I slept through most of it.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Saturday, 12:15 p.m.— 

Edelgard: @Byleth I AM THE LAST WOMAN STANDING. 

Hubert: at what cost

Byleth: As a professor I would like to apologize. Had I known what this would come to, I wouldn’t have suggested it. 

Edelgard: Yeah yeah whatever. I’m a favorite now, right? 

Byleth: Take a bath, get your work done, sleep for eight hours, and sure. 

Edelgard: Done and done. 

Hubert: **Why couldn’t you have done that sooner?**

Byleth: I _just_ saw the state she was in _today_. 

Be Gay & Do (Actual) Crimes

—Saturday, 5:40 p.m.— 

Balthus: I am _SO_ glad they didn’t drag us into that shit.

Yuri: What did I tell you? That chat is a madhouse.

Hapi: True. But it has been an entertaining week.

Constance: I would have to disagree. The amount of distress Ferdinand exuded was troubling. 

Hapi: Didn’t you say you were gonna help him de-stress?

Constance: BUT OF COURSE! I prepared the finest selection of chamomile tea. I’m waiting outside his room as we speak. 

Balthus: Speaking of, Claude and Hilda have been making up for lost time allllll daaaaaaay. 

Yuri: Good for them. But some of us have work to do.

Hapi: Liiiiike planning your next date with Freckles?

Yuri: What must I do to convince you to _quit it_?

Hapi: Yuribird, there is NOTHING on this planet that could make me stop.

Balthus: Holy fu-

Balthus: They just walked into the common room like nothing happened. How can they MOVE?? 

Constance: Only the Goddess knows. Ah! Ferdinand has arrived. 

Yuri: By the way, I’ll be occupied for all of Monday. If there’s an emergency, just text me directly. 

Hapi: Mhm. I’m sure we can also message Freckles if we need to reach you. 

Yuri: Text. Me. Directly. 

Balthus: Have a nice date! 

Yuri: I hate all of you.

___


	10. It’s All Fun & Games Until Someone Gets Impaled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember that it isn’t nice to blackmail your friends!

Golden Memes

—Sunday, 3:05 p.m.—

Hilda: @Claude Important question!

Claude: Lay it on me, babe.

Hilda: I haven’t slept with Dimitri yet, but you _very much_ have. How is he? 

Claude: Ohohohohohoho.

Claude: Ohhhh, Hilda.

Hilda: Tellllll meeeeeee. 

Claude: Dearest, _darling_ Hilda. Words cannot do him justice.

Claude: BUT. That doesn’t mean I won’t try. ;)

Lorenz: Give me a moment to prepare myself. 

Lorenz: Siiiigh.

Leonie: Phrasing, Lorenz!

Lorenz: Hush, you. 

Ignatz: Oh, Ashe actually told me about… Well, you know. 

Ignatz: It’s… O//////O

Leonie: Now I _need_ details. 

Ignatz: W-Why?

Leonie: Cuz hearing you talk about this stuff is hot as hell. 

Ignatz: ...Well, yeah true

Hilda: Can someone please let me in on this?????

Claude: Howsabout we take this to the 3H chat for optimum fun times?

Raphael: I just got snacks. I’m ready. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

Claude: Dimitri is hung like a horse. That is all.

Sylvain: T R U E

Dimitri: I’M NOT THAT BIG!!!!

Hilda: Wait! @Ingrid, you _motherfucker_.

Hilda: Why did you keep this to yourself (in more ways than one)???

Ingrid: Safrcjgjk

Ingrid: I- This is _so_

Ingrid: Look, we both know you would have seen it for yourself at _some_ point! 

Hilda: Sneak peeks are ALWAYS nice! :D

Dimitri: WHY

Dimitri: Just. WHY.

Claude: Because you are a beautiful, handsome boy, Dima. ;)

Dimitri: You can say that without bringing up… _that_. 

Claude: Impossible, hon.

Sylvain: @Dimitri my dear boy. You are gifted. There’s no point in denying it. 

Sylvain: @LITERALLY EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER SLEPT WITH DIMITRI. 

Felix: Siiiiigh. It’s true.

Ashe: Yep! :)

Mercedes: Sooooooo true. ;)

Annette: Not gonna lie, the first time I saw him naked I was like, “How does he fit that in his pants?????”

Dorothea: Here here!

Ingrid: … What they said. 

Marianne: It is quite nice.

Dimitri: I’mgoingtocrawlintoahole

Hilda: … 

Claude: Dima. She’s _drooling_. 

Dimitri: I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT

Hilda: You’re not, you’re not.

Hilda: I’ve been into you for a _while._ Size doesn’t matter to me, I would have wanted to fuck you regardless. The reason why this is so hot is… 

Hilda: You’re so… _adorable_ . Imagining your personality in a body _that_ well hung is… Hoooooo boy. 

Claude: (clap) Well said. 

Dimitri: 

Dedue: It seems you’ve broken His Highness. Again.

Hilda: Claude. Is this what it feels like to wanna be a bottom bitch? 

Claude: Yes, and others can back me up. @BOTTOMS!

Ashe: 100% yes!

Bernadetta: Um, if by that you mean wanting to totally submit to someone, yes. 

Ignatz: ...yes...

Hilda: Thank you, all of you. I have seen the light!

Claude: Sooooo… Does this mean I can get _you_ to ride _me?_

Hilda: Jury’s still out on that one, bae. lol

Sylvain: Oh wow. 

Sylvain: @Hilda I’m pretty sure Dima’s heading your way. And uhhhh… he had that look. 

Mercedes: Hildie, make sure you stretch first. 

Hilda: Wha- OH, gotcha! Thanks, Mercie <3

Dimitri: @Hilda

Dimitri: You are going to regret working me up like this.

Hilda: I _really_ don’t think I will fudjkgkolh

Dorothea: Oh, Hildie. You _never_ learn. 

Dorothea: $30 says she doesn’t walk for the rest of the day. 

Claude: $35 says the rest of the week. She _rarely_ bottoms. 

Dorothea: Deal!

Sylvain: Question—where the fuck have the rest of the Eagles been?

Bernadetta: That’s… complicated. 

Dorothea: Very, very, _very_ complicated. 

Mercedes: I haven’t seen Professor Byleth either.

Bernadetta: Complicated. 

Sylvain: Please un-complicate it.

Bernadetta: Ummmmm. How do I explain this???

Dorothea: Edelgard… invoked a certain _right_ that comes with being Byleth’s new number one. That’s all I’m saying. 

Sylvain: Well that explains everything.

Bernadetta: I could send you a picture, but it might just make things even more confusing. 

Sylvain: Try me.

Bernadetta: [NewNumberOne.jpg] 

Sylvain: Welp. 

Ingrid: …………. What have I borne witness to? 

Annette: ARE THEY DRINKING BLOOD

Ashe: IS EDELGARD DEAD

Felix: What the flying fuck _is_ this??? 

Mercedes: It _does_ look a bit like a sacrificial ritual of sorts. 

Dedue: A _bit?_

Bernadetta: It isn’t anything bad! 

Ashe: I’m suuuuuure.

Dorothea: Believe it or not, this is actually relaxing. Trust me, I was there earlier today. 

Annette: Vampires. 

Annette: You’re a bunch of _vampires_. 

Ashe: I ALWAYS KNEW HUBERT WAS A VAMPIRE

Bernadetta: That isn’t blood! It’s just… Strongly colored tea. 

Ashe: I’m _suuuuuure_!

Dorothea: The Professor can do a better job of explaining once they’re done. I, for one, am getting back in on that. Coming, Bernie? 

Bernadetta: In a few minutes. Ashe, Annette, I’m sorry if this scared you. But please trust me when I say nothing bad is happening. 

Annette: Thank the Goddess Lys isn’t here. 

Ashe: I just need someone to hold me…

Ashe: Speaking of! Gtg!

Lysithea: WHAT THE FLYING MONKEY SHARTS?

Lysithea: WHAT HAPPENED IN MY ABSENCE?!

Claude: Hoooo boy.

Marianne: Try to breathe Lys. 

Lysithea: WHAT IS THIS ANAL BULLSHIT???

Claude: Again… Doesn’t shit _come_ from the anus?

Lysithea: FUCK YOUR

Lysithea: Okay. I’m breathing. I’m just going to pretend this doesn’t exist, and lie down. 

Lysithea: @Marianne @Annette @Claude Could one of you please… Ugh… Cuddle me? 

Marianne: Absolutely! 

Annette: Like you have to ask. 

Claude: Omw :)

___

Be Gay & Do (Actual) Crimes

—Sunday, 4:15 p.m.—

Hapi: Operation prove that Yuri is, in fact, on a date is a go.

Constance: NYAHAHAHA! 

Constance: Finally, **_finally_ **, we’ll have some blackmail on him! 

Balthus: Eh, I just wanna see the cuteness. AND Yuri embarrassed.

Constance: For me, Balthus, this is about evening the playing field. That man has _so_ much on _everyone_. 

Hapi: Truly, this is a day of reckoning.

Hapi: Does everyone remember their duties?

Constance: I will take more pictures than anyone has ever taken before. 

Hapi: Of that, Coco, I have no doubt. And you, B?

Balthus: Playing distraction with Constance whenever she isn’t snapping pics. Yuri’s inbox is gonna be FLOODED with bull. >:)

Constance: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Constance: Oh wait. He still has… that picture of me. 

Constance: Can we add stealing his phone to our objective list? 

Hapi: Leave that to me, hon. I’ll make sure to swipe it before I pop out and humiliate him.

Balthus: Let’s fucking DO THIS. 

—Saturday, 4:45 p.m.—

Balthus: Heeeey, Yuri! ‘Sup?

Yuri: This is the one and only time I’m going to ask this nicely. What in the absolute fuck is going on? 

Balthus: Why does something need to be going on? Just wanted to check in, see how my best bud’s date is going.

Yuri: There is _no_ date.

Yuri: And you, dear Balthus, are an atrocious liar. 

Balthus: I’m offended, Yuri.

Constance: Hurt?

Balthus: _Wounded_ , even.

Constance: Yuri, you’ve hurt Baltie’s feelings!

Constance: Such rude behavior cannot go overlooked!

Yuri: This will be much easier for all of us if you tell me what the hell you’re doing. 

Constance: “Doing”? Do you mean to insinuate that we are playing you for a fool?!

Constance: How _dare_ you, Yuri! I thought we were friends!

Yuri: It’s because we’re friends that I can smell your bullshit from miles away. 

Hapi: Just get back to your rendezvous with Freckles. I’m sure he misses you.

Yuri: It’s been five minutes, but gladly. And, if there’s anyone out there who still cares, this isn’t a date. 

—Sunday, 5:55 p.m.—

Balthus: Heeeeeeey, Yuri? You wouldn’t happen to be at the carnival would ya?  
Balthus: I hear that, this time of year, it’s a prime dating spot.

Yuri: Why. 

Constance: Why what? Be _specific_ , Yuri!

Yuri: Why do I exist? Why was I put on this earth? 

Balthus: For Ashe, DUH. He needs a boyfriend.

Yuri: Ashe is dating _five_ people. Unofficially, he’s with _seven_. 

Constance: I heard that you were with him first~

Yuri: From _who_? 

Constance: Ashe, of course!

Yuri: Of course. 

Yuri: Can you three just tell me what you want? 

Balthus: Oh c’mon, man. Not all of us are schemers like you!

Yuri: Alright. I see how it is. You want to start a _war_. 

Hapi: Excuse you? _This_ is what we get when we’re nice to you.

Yuri: YOU ARE _STALKING_ ME. 

Hapi: Uh, are you seeing straight? Cuz I’m with B and Coco. How else would we coordinate our well-wishes?

Yuri: I can see you sitting together right now. I’m _waving_ at you. 

Hapi: Oh my God.

Hapi: Do all people of color _look the same_ _to you_ , Yuri?!

Yuri: For fuck’s sake.

Yuri: [Gotcha.jpg] 

Hapi: Dude. That is not me.

Constance: Agreed. My darling Hapi is _far_ more magnificent.

Yuri: Right. And I suppose the maniacal blonde holding this look-a-like’s hand isn’t you, Constance. 

Constance: Maniacal...? How- I’m _bipolar_ , Yuri! OhmyGoddess I can’t believe you would SAY that!   
  


Balthus: Dick move, dude. Dick move.

Yuri: Constance, I’m sorry. I know better than to say things like that to you. 

Yuri: It’s just a bit exhausting trying to enjoy myself while I’m constantly looking over my shoulder because _someone’s_ following me. 

Balthus: Yuri, your paranoia is gonna be the death of you. JUST HAVE FUN WITH YOUR LOVE!

Yuri: I’m _not_ paranoid. AND, Ashe _is_ _not_ my lover. Go away.

—Sunday, 6:45 p.m.—

Balthus: Yuriiiiiiiiiii!

Yuri: What now. 

Balthus: This is suuuper cute, bro.

Balthus: [TunnelOfLove.jpg]

Yuri: … So you _were_ following me. 

Constance: But of course! HAHAHAHAHA!

Yuri: Okay, let me get this right—you were stalking me knowing full well I already deal with anxiety whenever I’m out. And you _lied about_ following me. 

Balthus: I mean, did you actually believe us?

Yuri: And you consistently interrupted me on a day when I asked you to only message me for emergencies. 

Hapi: Think of this as the bill coming due. Especially with alllllll the torment you’ve put us through.

Yuri: …. You realize I had a _panic attack_ earlier because of this, right? 

Constance: You have given ME many a panic attack with your shenanigans. Do not act virtuous.

Yuri: _I’m_ not virtuous, but you know who is? The person who’s had to deal with me being a distracted mess. 

Hapi: Unfortunate. I’ll find a way to make it up to him. BUT, this is what happens when you keep stupid secrets from your friends. Not to mention blackmail.

Yuri: I’ve never actually _used_ any of it. 

Yuri: Until today.

—Sunday, 7:15 p.m.—

Hapi: What’s wrong, Yuribird?

Hapi: Finding everything on your phone?

Yuri: Yep. 

Yuri: I’m fantastic actually. Want to know why? 

Yuri: Because my paranoid ass has hard copies of _everything_. 

Balthus: FWACK.

Balthus: Well, at least we’re all on an even playing field from here on out.

Yuri: Ohhhhhh Balthus. 

Yuri: When have I _ever_ kept the field even? Ever since this started, I’ve had contingencies prepared. 

Hapi: Welp. Coco won’t be leaving her room ever again.

Hapi: Do you see why it is so hard to be friends with you?

Yuri: Yes. Which is why I’d like you to come outside. 

Balthus: Dude, we play one prank. ONE. To your... _how many now_? And we get your Nuclear Option.

Yuri: I think you’ll all actually enjoy this surprise. 

Hapi: Why… do I smell fire? 

Balthus: YURI YOU CAN'T BURN THE SCHOOL DOWN OVER THIS SHIT. 

Yuri: That’s not… Just come outside. Please. 

—Sunday, 7:25 p.m.—

Constance: Did you really… burn all your blackmail? 

Yuri: Yep. Well, all the blackmail I had on you three. Everyone else is still fair game. 

Hapi: … I would say you looked into your heart and decided to do the right thing but…

Hapi: Ashe talked you into this, didn’t he?

Yuri: Oh absolutely. I could never be this kind on my own. There’s a black abyss where my heart should be. 

Constance: In all seriousness, we _know_ Ashe has a special place in that black hole. :)

Yuri: Yeah yeah. Whatever. Anyway, from now on… I’m going to be… More… _Trusting_ of you three. 

Constance: **HUZZAH!**

Yuri: And…… I’ll dial back my pranks. 

Yuri: I shouldn’t have continued to do things that caused my friends the level of distress I experienced today. I’m… Sorry. 

Balthus: You’re the _best_ , man! :D It’s all good now.

Yuri: Ugh. 

Constance: WE ADORE YOU, YURIBIRD.

Yuri: Stop. Please, never say that ever again. 

Hapi: We. Adore you. Yuribird.

Yuri: I’d prefer to be stalked. Seriously, no more gushing. 

Balthus: Best bro on the planet right here!

Yuri: Let me be a cynical bitch _in peace_. 

Ashe: I love you with all my heart, Yuri! :3

[Yuri has left the group chat.] 

Balthus: HAHAHAHA

Golden Memes

—Sunday, 8:00 p.m.—

Hilda: @Claude 

Hilda: Yes. 

Claude: Hm?

Hilda: Yes to your question from earlier. 

Claude: LE GASP

Claude: You meeeeaaaan it???

Hilda: I’d hop on you right now if I could move. 

Claude: YIPPIE! 

Hilda: It’s official. I’m a switch now. 

Lysithea: All our boy’s dreams have come true.

Marianne: Hehehe. I think a few of _your_ dreams have come true, too. 

Lysithea: HUSH.

Leonie: Was it really _that_ good? 

Leonie: I must know for research.

Hilda: I got impaled in the best possible way. 

Hilda: More than once. 

Leonie: Girl, you better gimme ALL the details later. I could use the material...

Ignatz: O//////O

Hilda: I’ll give you details now. First of all, he pinned me to my bed and said he’d fuck me lifeless. 

Claude: That’s Dima alright! 

Leonie: Ohhhhhhh that’s a nice line. 

Lorenz: NOPE. NO. PLEASE SPARE MY GAY MIND THESE MENTAL IMAGES.

Hilda: Lorenz. Your gay mind _needs_ this in its life.

Hilda: Like, I didn’t know it was possible to be so rough and gentle at the same time. This experience has turned me from top to switch. 

Lorenz: Ugh. You people with your straight sex.

Leonie: I didn’t hear you complaining when I rode you. _Or_ when you ate Lys. 

Lorenz: Silence from the peanut gallery.

Hilda: I mean, there was _also_ anal if that helps. 

Claude: MY GIRL! 

Lorenz: ...Marginally.

Hilda: Long story short—a world of new positions has opened up to me. 

Raphael: A whole new wooooorld~

Lorenz: Don’t drag Disney into this filth fest. 

Hilda: A new fantastic point of view!

Claude: No one to tell us no!

Ignatz: Or where to go!

Marianne: Or say we’re only dreaming!

Raphael: WHOO!

Lorenz: One of these days, I’m going to walk out the door, and just keep going. 

Claude: Right.

Lorenz: You think I won’t, but one of these days I’ll be gone and you won’t be able to find me. 

Hilda: Pretty sure this would get you to come running home. 

Hilda: [DamnFerdieWorksThisButlerOutfit.jpg] 

Leonie: OR this ;P

Leonie: [CompromisedTwinkReturns.jpg]

Ignatz: _L-Leonie_!

Lorenz: I’m so tired right now. 

Claude: Then you should sleep! I hope you have some nice wet dreams. ;)

Raphael: XD

Lorenz: Uggggggh. 

___


	11. Madlads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never give Linhardt anything energizing.

Ultimate Eagles

—Monday, 5:15 a.m.—

Caspar: THEFUCK 

Caspar: WHY IS THE ALARM GOING OFF

Bernadetta: imgoingtodie imgoingtodie imgoingtodie

Linhardt: Everyone, exit the building in a calm and orderly fashion. There’s nothing to worry about. 

Hubert: You seem… oddly calm about this.

Linhardt: As I said, there’s no cause for concern. I’m with Professor Hanneman—he assured me all was well. 

Ferdinand: I have many questions.

Edelgard: I second that. What the hell have you done, Linhardt??

Dorothea: Linny.

Dorothea: Why is there smoke coming from the Science Lab? 

Petra: It is not smelling like any fire I have smelled before.

Linhardt: Everything’s

Linhardt: oh shit

Linhardt: that’s _not_ supposed to turn purple. whoops.

Caspar: “WHOOPS”

Bernadetta: Lin… what does that mean?

Bernadetta: Please don’t be on fire!

Linhardt: Littke busy tryin to put out a fire

Bernadetta: HE’S GONNA DIIIIE

Linhardt: i’m fine 

Linhardt: just get out & take anything you care about with you

Linhardt: where’s the fucking extinguisher 

Caspar: LINHARDT  
Caspar: I THINK BERNIE PASSED OUT

Linhardt: THEN GO GET HER 

Dorothea: Can we please put the caps down?

Linhardt: Everyone. Out. 

Petra: I am beginning to be frightened.

Petra: What is the nature of this fire?

Hubert: … Something definitely just exploded. 

Linhardt: Don’t worry about it. It’s basically been taken care of. 

Edelgard: Define “basically” please.

Linhardt: No one’s going to die

Linhardt: oh fuck why is that orange

Caspar: WHAT IS

Caspar: Sorry. What is going on?!

Linhardt: Professor Hanneman said we should cut our losses. 

Linhardt: We’re breaking a window and hoping for the best. 

Ferdinand: What in the-

Ferdinand: None of this sounds like a school-sponsored extracurricular!

Linhardt: … This may or may not have technically fallen outside the law. 

Hubert: I need coffee.

Linhardt: **SHHEINLFSAJCKFRI**

Caspar: Lin?

Caspar: Lin?!

Caspar: LIIIIIIIIN?!

—Monday, 5:50 a.m.—

Linhardt: i’’mm alivvvvv

Bernadetta: LINNY

Bernadetta: Are you hurt?! Where are you?! Why the lower case?! Are you mostly awake?!

Linhardt: phnne brke whn i landedd 

Linhardt: dnt panicc. w/ an ambbulance 

Linhardt: [survvived.jpg]

Bernadetta: AMBULANCE?

Caspar: Where tf u at?

Caspar: Imma get the other baes

Linhardt: outside gatte

Linhardt: just makin suuuure we dn’t inhale toxxinnz

Bernadetta: omw

Edelgard: This has… been a day.

Edelgard: And it’s still the morning.

Hubert: I hate everything. I hate that we exist. 

Dorothea: Mood. 

Dorothea: Anyway, now that we know Linny’s in one piece, I’m going back to bed. 

Ferdinand: I will be doing the same. 

Petra: I am still wondering what caused the flames. 

Ferdinand: Truly, a mystery for the ages.

—Monday, 9:15 a.m.—

Linhardt: I know what went wrong. 

Edelgard: I thought your phone broke. 

Linhardt: Fixed it. And I just realized what went wrong. 

Linhardt: I have to contact Professor Hanneman. 

Hubert: Does anyone else prefer the half-dead, emotionally stunted Linhardt to this? 

Bernadetta: Mmmmmnope.

Caspar: No.

Ferdinand: I cannot believe I am saying this, but I most certainly do. 

Edelgard: I’ll third that. 

Dorothea: I’ll fourth it. 

Linhardt: We’ll have to attempt the experiment again in a more secluded environment. 

Caspar: Not. Happening. Period.

Linhardt: Why not? 

Bernadetta: The fact that you have to ask is unbelievably concerning.

Linhardt: Ehh. This certainly isn’t the first time an experiment has taken a turn for the worse. And, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, I doubt it’ll be the last. 

Caspar: …@Bernadetta

Caspar: Okay so, we’re locking him in our room, right?

Bernadetta: Absolutely.

Linhardt: I love you both, but even you can’t hold me back from science. 

Hubert: There’s always the option of killing him. 

Dorothea: Hubie, NO. 

Caspar: He just needs to ride the mad scientist high out for a few days. Then, everything will be back to normal. 

Bernadetta: And he will do so in the safety of our room.

Bernadetta: No, this is not up for debate. CASPIE! GET HIM!

Linhardt: Alright, alright. No need to be so grabby. 

—Monday, 12:15 p.m.—

Caspar: What

Caspar: The

Caspar: _Fuck_

Caspar: [HeUnhingedTheDoor.jpg] 

Ferdinand: _How_?

Ferdinand: He’s _Linhardt_!

Petra: Those are looking very much like burn marks. Perhaps a flamethrower? 

Bernadetta: He didn’t have one when he locked him in there!!!

Edelgard: … 

Edelgard: [DidHeStealATruck.jpg] 

Hubert: I’m sorry, what.

Dorothea: That looks like Hanneman’s, but why is Linny driving it?

Petra: Perhaps it was loaned to him?

Hubert: Why are there massive vials of powder in the back???

Edelgard: Are they making drugs? They’re making drugs, aren’t they. 

Ferdinand: Linhardt _did_ say what they were doing wasn’t completely legal. 

Bernadetta: Ohnonononononono 

Bernadetta: he's gonna go to jail

Caspar: Lin wouldn’t do that! 

Caspar: I hope… 

Bernadetta: cas help im having an attack

Caspar: Shit, I’m running to your room 

Caspar: Try to breathe slowly babe 

Bernadetta: tr

Bernadetta: trying

Petra: These omens do not bode well.

Petra: We must find the bottom of this.

Dorothea: Right! Hubie, let’s go after them on your motorcycle. 

Hubert: ...Fine. 

Hubert: But you are _not_ driving. 

Edelgard: I’ll see if I can track down Hanneman. Godspeed everyone.

—Monday, 3:05 p.m.—

Linhardt: @Bernadetta are you alright? 

Caspar: She’s in a mini coma, man.

Linhardt: Oh goddess. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.

Linhardt: Also, we’re not cooking meth. This isn’t Breaking Bad. 

Caspar: Dude, at this point, I dunno if that matters. She’s, like, cocooned in 6 blankets.

Linhardt: I’m going to call you. Can you give her the phone? 

Caspar: I’ll try waking her up.

Bernadetta: linny ?

Dorothea: Can you please explain what you were doing in an abandoned warehouse? 

Linhardt: After I make sure Bernie’s okay. 

Hubert: Hmm. 

—Monday, 3:35 p.m.—

Hubert: Well, the good news is that he wasn’t lying about not making drugs. 

Edelgard: What WERE they doing?

Hubert: Trying to make a non-morphine painkiller by studying platypus venom. 

Ferdinand: I

Ferdinand: I do not know how to respond to that.

Dorothea: I still have no clue how any of this caused an explosion. 

Petra: Perhaps platypu- platypie? Platypussies? 

Dorothea: PFFFFFFFFFT.

Dorothea: Yes. From now on, the official plural is platypussies. Thank you, dearest Petra, for putting that in my life. 

Petra: You are… welcome?

Petra: But perhaps these creatures are flammable?

Hubert: They aren’t. 

Caspar: Long story short—chemical mix up. 

Edelgard: And the part about working out of condemned / private property?

Caspar: No idea. Did ya find Hanneman? 

Edelgard: I scoured the campus, but no luck.

Edelgard: Not even Claude and Hilda, with their creepy network of informants, could help me.

Petra: Do you think he was skipping town? 

Ferdinand: That may be possible… Regardless, we will have to wait for Linhardt to fill us in.

—Monday, 5:20 p.m.—

Linhardt: Ugh. Do I _really_ have to explain? 

Hubert: Thank Sothis. He’s back to normal. 

Ferdinand: “Normal” might be a strong word...

Bernadetta: I have never been so relieved in my life. 

Petra: Are you breathing well now, Bernadetta?

Bernadetta: Yeah. I’m alright. 

Linhardt: Professor Hanneman went to present our findings to a board. 

Petra: … I am not understanding. Why a board?

Linhardt: Board = group of professionals. 

Hubert: I hope that you have learned a valuable lesson about playing with literal fire.

Hubert: Although I highly doubt it.

Linhardt: I’ve learned not to drink anything overly energizing. 

Caspar: (-_-)

Caspar: Pretty sure that’s not what caused this.

___


	12. #Faves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are the tales of Byleth and the gremlin children she deals with.

You Know What This (wink)

—Tuesday, 3:05 a.m.—

B: Updated Favorites List

B: 1) Edelgard, 2) Bernadetta, 3) Marianne, 4) Raphael, 5) Ashe

B: Good day. 

Dimitri: did i do something wrong?

Dimitri: oh goddess professor im so so so so sorry

Dimitri: what can i do to make this right please im sorry

B: Whoops.

B: ⭐️) Dimitri, 1) Edelgard, 2) Bernadetta, 3) Marianne, 4) Raphael, 5) Ashe

Dimitri: ...oh. Okay.

Dimitri: Apologies.

B: You will literally always be one of my favorites if not my favorite.

B: Now get some sleep. 

Dimitri: jhugviyc

—Tuesday, 8:10 a.m.—

Ashe: When did this happen?!

Constance: I CALL BIAS

Constance: NOT A SINGLE ASHEN WOLF IS THERE

Yuri: Out of all of us, it would most likely be me ;)

B: … 

B: ✨) Balthus

Yuri: I’m sorry, what?

Balthus: FUUUUUCK YES BITCHES!

Balthus: The Indefatigable King of Grappling reigns supreme! 

B: Long live the king. 

Yuri: You wound me, Professor. However shall my poor, broken heart recover?

B: -_-

B: I’ll give you special attention if you cut the theatrics. 

Claude: Oooooh~!

B: Yes, Claude. I’m definitely propositioning a student in a group chat. That is what my life has come to.

Claude: A fella can dream, can’t he?

B: Tea and flowers. Take it or leave it, Yuri.

Yuri: I enthusiastically accept your invitation. 

Yuri: Also, @Ashe

Yuri: ... congratulations bae 

Constance: HE ADMITS IT

Yuri: You need to put the caps lock down.

Ashe: Awwwwww. I love you so much, Yuribird!

Yuri: Yeah yeah. Ditto.

Claude: Ah, the wholesomeness makes everything better.

Edelgard: Professor.

Edelgard: Is there any particular reason why Dimitri is higher up than I am? 

Edelgard: I’m just curious. 

Dimitri: Please leave me out of this. 

Edelgard: You don’t get to talk after freaking out about not being on the list. 

Dimitri: I thought I upset the Professor! It had nothing to do with placement, I took it as a sign that I’d failed in some manner!

Edelgard: I TAKE THIS AS A SIGN THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING I DON’T.

Claude: A monster dick ;)

Edelgard: Thank you, Claude. I definitely needed that image of my brother.

Edelgard: Wait oh fuck ignore that

Dimitri: El…?

Edelgard: I said ignore it. 

Dimitri: You called me

Dimitri: El

Edelgard: I just

Edelgard: I can’t right now. 

Dimitri: I adore you, El. Thank you.

Edelgard: IGNORE IT

Edelgard: Ugh.

Claude: Well isn’t that just precious!

Edelgard: S h u t.

Lysithea: I still find myself offended by my lack of placement. 

Annette: You’ll always be #1 in my book, Lys! <3

Lysithea: Same to you, Annie. <3

B: One last thing before I officially check out.

B: There are reasons why this list is the way it is. Reasons you should all be very aware of.

B: Good day. 

Constance: DO NOT LEAVE US IN SUSPENSE

Claude: Again with the caps lock.

Yuri: Did you drink Red Bull again? I thought you were staying away from that. 

Constance: YOU HOLD NO SWAY OVER ME HAHAHAHAHAHA

Yuri: @Hapi 

Yuri: We have a code black.

Hapi: Yuuuuuuup. I’ll get the sleeping pills. 

Constance: YOU CANNOT CATCH ME

Lysithea: What the actual piss. 

Raphael: Wait, why am I on the list?

B: Why _wouldn’t_ you be on the list? 

Raphael: I dunno.

B: Exactly. 

Raphael: I’m super confused right now.

Yuri: Wait just one damn second. First Raphael, then Balthus? Not to mention Dimitri?

Yuri: Our dear professor has a type. 

Claude: …Holy shit, you may be onto something. 

B: -_-

Raphael: I’m still lost, guys.

B: Nope. I’m not engaging. I’m checking out. 

Claude: Coward.

B: Says the himbo.

Claude: _Hey_! There is no slut shaming here!

B: Doesn’t make you any less of a himbo. 

Claude: Notice my lack of denial.

Claude: Still, there are consequences for slut shaming in these parts! 

Claude: Oh Hildie~!

Hilda: Whatchu need babe?

Claude: Professor Byleth is slut shaming meeee :(

Hilda: Actually, she just called you a himbo. She didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. 

Claude: It’s implied!

Hilda: Meh. 

Lysithea: Are you actually offended or just trying to keep goading the Professor?

Claude: I mean, I’m _a_ _bit_ offended, yeah. 

Claude: Whatever.

Hilda: You’re fishing for cuddles, aren’t you?

Claude: Hmph.

Lysithea: Put the sass down. We’ll come hold you.

Claude: Yaaaay! I knew you loved me!

—Tuesday, 3:35 p.m.—

Yuri: Back to the topic of Professor Byleth’s preferences.

Balthus: Hey, nobody’s immune to my rippling abs, Yuri ;D 

B: For the sake of my sanity… this again? 

Sylvain: Feeling insecure, Mr. LeClerc?

Yuri: No. I’d just like an admittance straight from the horse’s mouth.

B: Why am I here. Just to suffer?

Yuri: Yes. That goes for the chat _and_ this earth.

B: Their placement has nothing to do with their abs. 

Balthus: Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Balthus: C’mon, Professor! You have eyes, dontcha? 

B: I appreciate your musculature as much as the next person, Balthus, but that isn’t why you’re on the list. 

Petra: Could it be because they give the greatest of hugs?

B: Partly. 

B: But I’ve already said too much.

Sylvain: You enjoy this aloof, air-of-mystery thing way too much.

B: Possibly, but I’m committed to it. 

Petra: Why the adamance to this oath of silence?

B: Because I’m a sadist. 

Sylvain: A woman after my own heart <3

—Tuesday, 6:15 p.m.—

Hubert: @Edelgard

Hubert: Your Majesty, what exactly are you hoping to accomplish? 

Edelgard: There must be _some tell_ , something to give away her motivations. And I will find it.

Dorothea: Edie, I feel like following the Professor around is just an excuse to stare at her ass. 

Linhardt: PFFFFFFFFT

Ferdinand: Edelgard! 

Edelgard: I AM DOING NO SUCH THING.

Dorothea: Mmmmmmhmmmm. 

Ferdinand: When did you become so _scandalous_?!

Mercedes: Don’t be silly, Dorothy! Edelgard isn’t staring at the Professor’s ass. 

Edelgard: Thank you, Mercedes.

Mercedes: She’s staring at her tiddies. 

Linhardt: Well, she does _always_ wear that boob window shirt.

B: You realize I can read all of this. 

Linhardt: Yep.

B: As long as you’re aware. 

Ferdinand: Professor, I must apologize on Edelgard’s behalf. Her behavior is repulsive, reprehensible, and not at all indicative of what the Black Eagles stand for.

Edelgard: I AM **_NOT_ ** STARING YOU ABSOLUTE HEATHENS. 

Edelgard: Please tell me you don’t believe them, Professor!

B: Ehhhh. 

Hubert: Your Majesty… Tell me you haven’t… 

Edelgard: I. Did. Not. 

B: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

Hubert: Lady Edelgard, no.

B: Oh, and Linhardt, please try to keep your more lethal experiments off campus in the future. 

Linhardt: But that means traveling.

B: I’m sure Hanneman will make arrangements. 

Linhardt: Ugh.

Linhardt: Why must you overcomplicate things?

B: I’ll record the next few lectures for you if you keep campus flame-free for a month. 

Linhardt: … Deal.

B: And that’s why you’re my sixth favorite. 

Edelgard: WAT.

B: Don’t forget to study for your exams.

B: And Edelgard, you can’t follow me to my room. 

Edelgard: I WASN’T GOING TO!

B: Sure you weren’t. 

___


	13. The Hysteria Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Put the torches down please.

The Truth

—Wednesday, 4:35 a.m.—

[Lysithea has added 2 people to the group chat.]

Lysithea: Okay. No bullshit. I have reason to seriously believe that something supernatural is happening at this school. 

Ashe: Supernatural? What do you mean by that…?

Lysithea: I’m going to try—emphasis on _try_ —to remain objective here. I’ve noticed things going missing in the library or getting put out of order in the entrance hall. 

Lysithea: And last night I saw _this_ slinking through one of the hallways. 

Lysithea: [ICan’tLogicThisShitOut.jpg]

Annette: ohgoddess what is that

Lysithea: I don’t know. 

Ashe: Don’t panic, Annie! It can’t be ghost or phantom or a wraith or a specter or a ghoul.

Ashe: Right?

Lysithea: Does whatever the fuck that is look friendly to you? Because to me it looks like it wouldn’t think twice about gnawing off your freckles. 

Ashe: hdfpiugtsdyt

Annette: Ashe?!

Lysithea: Ohfuckisitpossessinghim

Ashe: Im

Ashe: I’m fine. I just freaked out for a moment.

Lysithea: I’m not saying to panic, but we should probably be somewhat on guard until we know what this is for sure. 

Annette: That does it. I’m grabbing my whacking stick.

Lysithea: I’ll buy torches. 

Ashe: ...Won’t flashlights be alright?

Lysithea: BURN THE PHANTOM.

Lysithea: I apologize if I frightened you. 

Ashe: I

Ashe: It’s okay

Lysithea: We’ll stick together while investigating this. No going it alone. 

Annette: I’ll fuck up the first spectral bitch I see.

Lysithea: I won’t allow harm to come to either of you. 

Ashe: I don’t think the phantom cares… 

Golden Memes

—Wednesday, 11:30 p.m.—

Claude: Alright, Lys. What’s got you freaked out this time?

Lysithea: Frked ot?? Pssshhhhhb m fne 

Claude: Clearly. 

Lysithea: jus shky cuz of tu much shugr 

Claude: Uh-huh.

Lysithea: gimmie minn 

Lysithea: Like I was saying, I’m fine. 

Claude: Are you drunk? Remember what happened the last time you tried alcohol?

Lysithea: Yeah, well, maybe I’m drunk on you. Ever think of that? 

Claude: ...Flattery will get you nowhere, Miss Ordelia.

Lorenz: … Did _you_ just… _pun_ … at _Claude_ …? 

Claude: I mean, not very well, but yeah.

Lysithea: Fine. You caught me. I’m tipsy. Sue me. 

Raphael: Oh, is this about ghosts again?

Lysithea: ABUFHOSTBSHHHHHHHHUT

Claude: Thank you, Raph. You’re a genius.

Lysithea: Nope. No ghosts here. Everything’s perfectly normal. I’m not acting weird. You’re acting weird. 

Claude: Please, just come to bed, Lys. I’ll cuddle you for as long as you want.

Lysithea: … This still isn’t about ghosts, but fine. 

Hilda: Mhm. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

Annette: Shut up shut up it can hear us

Ashe: You SHHHH! It can probably read too!

Annette: holy shizzballs you’re right

Annette: goddess help us all 

Ingrid: Were you two

Ingrid: Holding torches when you ran past my room? 

Felix: … 

Felix: This is someone else’s problem. I am going back to sleep.

Annette: Ashe… you don’t think…? 

Ashe: Do you have a bible?

Annette: I’ll run to the library. Don’t let him escape. 

Annette: It’s time to end this. 

Felix: Escape?

Ashe: SILENCE!

Ashe: You will speak through Felix no longer!

Ingrid: ??????

Annette: WE WILL PURGE THE EVIL FROM HIS VEINS

Annette: BURN THE PHANTOM BURN THE PHANTOM

Felix: @Dedue. Please collect these children before they destroy something.

Annette: YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE FOUL SINNER 

Ashe: BEGONE!

Felix: WHAT THE FUCK

Felix: @Dedue ANY TIME NOW

Dedue: What on earth?

—Thursday, 1:15 a.m.—

Ashe: I guess he wasn’t possessed. 

Felix: You “guess”.

Ingrid: You two chucked water at Felix’ door, neglecting the fact that it wasn’t blessed by a priest of any sort.

Ashe: We were working with what we had. 

Felix: You had nothing. Including sanity.

Annette: You think I don’t know that? 

Annette: It’s the specter. I can feel it’s chill seeping into my bones. It’s too late for me. 

Ashe: NOOOOO

Ingrid: Wait, right now?

Annette: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Annette: Not if I can help it! I’LL CLUB THE BITCH. 

Mercedes: Oh, so that’s why you were carrying a bat around. 

Sylvain: SHIT

Sylvain: SHE JUST FUCKING CLOCKED ALOIS

Annette: I WILL BEAT THE EVIL OUT OF HIM

Sylvain: restraining her rn could use help

Annette: LET GO ALOIS MUST BE PURGED

Sylvain: SOS SOS SOS

Sylvain: @Dimitri ur my only hope

Dimitri: I’ll come prepared. 

Annette: I WILL CLEANSE THE CORRUPTION FROM THIS LAND

Mercedes: It seems she’s become an evangelist! 

Felix: Boar, get your ass in there asap

Ashe: This is bad. What have we done…?

Annette: THE WORK OF THE GODDE

—Thursday, 1:25 a.m.—

Sylvain: Well, that is by far one of the best fights anyone has ever put up against Dimitri. 

Dimitri: The good news—there are no security cameras in that hallway. The bad news—Alois is concussed and will likely be unhappy when he wakes up.

Annette: let

Annette: go

Ingrid: Has no one taken her phone away?

Sylvain: SHE JUST BROKE LOOSE

Ashe: Oh fuck. I think it’s been possessing Annette all this time. 

Felix: You’re all so inept.

Sylvain: … Well that works. 

Ingrid: What works?

Sylvain: Her tripping over a bucket. 

Mercedes: Oh my! I’m on my way!

Felix: She’ll be fine. 

Sylvain: I bet this crap never happens to the Golden Deer.

—Thursday, 6:00 a.m.—

Annette: What the hell happened? I don’t remember anything. 

Felix: You put Alois in the infirmary. Congrats.

Annette: Wha

Annette: How? With what arms? 

Sylvain: With your _baseball bat_ , Annette.

Annette: Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Annette: No, I would never just club someone. 

Sylvain: [HolyFuck.mp4]

Annette: …

Annette: Was I on adderall again? 

Ashe: You were, um, talking about… ghosts.

Ashe: I may have contributed to your hysteria. I’m so sorry.

Annette: Knowing you, this is definitely not your fault. 

Annette: I cannot believe I tried to “purge” Alois.

Ingrid: Why is our house so… Why are we like this?

Annette: I’m going to write him an apology letter and get him a blanket and flowers and bake him brownies and… fuuuuuuuuck I fucked up. 

Ashe: I’ll help you! I’m just as responsible for this mess!

Dedue: You were on adderall before?

Annette: That’s not important right now. 

The Truth

—Thursday, 8:25 a.m.—

Lysithea: I heard about the… incident. 

Lysithea: I thought we were all going straight to our rooms after last night’s search. 

Lysithea: Did something happen?

Annette: We thought it followed us. 

Ashe: We’re past that now, though. The important thing is that we have yet to uncover any evidence. 

Lysithea: Perhaps we should take a few days to collect ourselves. 

Ashe: That sounds nice… 

Ultimate Eagles

—Thursday, 4:06 p.m.—

Dorothea: Has anyone here been blessed enough to take Marianne von Edmund on a date? 

Petra: I have not been given an opportunity.

Bernadetta: Um, no?

Caspar: Nah, fam.

Linhardt: Not in a romantic context, no.

Hubert: I almost certainly scare her.

Edelgard: Same here. 

Dorothea: You two scare almost everyone here. 

Dorothea: I’m trying to plan the perfect date. She’s such a sweetheart! 

Ferdinand: Of that, there is no doubt!

Ferdinand: But I have also heard tell of you planning outings with several other classmates as well.

Dorothea: Now that the poly is flowing through everyone’s veins, I’d like to capitalize on the chance to get to know people better. 

Bernadetta: Awww! That’s a great idea, Dorothy!

Dorothea: Afterwards, I think I’ll work on some group dates as well. 

Dorothea: Hubert, get ready to die of mushiness. 

Hubert: “Mushiness” has no effect on me.

Petra: Lies. All of it is lies. 

Hubert: Shhhhhhhh.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Tuesday, 7:10 p.m.—

Hilda: Who… is… _this_.

Hilda: [MyThirstIsQuenched.jpg]

Claude: _Hellooooooooo_.

B: @Lysithea I need you to add someone to the chat. 

Lysithea: Sure. Whomst?

B: My twin brother. 

Hilda: THERE ARE _TWO_ OF YOU

Claude: I… I need to lie down.

[Lysithea has added Beleth to the chat.]

Beleth: I didn’t ask for this. 

B: If I suffer, you suffer with me. 

Beleth: I’ve never even met these kids.

B: Here’s your chance. Don’t tell me you haven’t been curious. 

Beleth: Curious is a strong word. But sure, let’s go with that.

B: You’ll be teaching here soon enough anyway. 

Hilda: _Hellllooooo, Mr. Beleth_.

Beleth: Hey…

B: And so it begins. 

___


	14. Indulgence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So you have wished it, so it shall be.

—About a month has passed since Beleth, Byleth’s twin brother, also became a professor—

What is This “Emotion” of Which You Speak? 

—Saturday, 9:03 a.m.—

Beleth: What have I gotten myself into. 

B: Welcome to the freak show. This is where the freaks go.

Beleth: I’m going to punch Dad for suggesting this, and then kill you for getting me this job.

B: Not if I kill you first for telling Dad I would make a good teacher two years ago. 

Beleth: I wish I could hate you.

B: Same here. 

Beleth: What should I do about all these thirsty students? It’s beyond ridiculous.

B: Ignore it, fuck with them, or satiate their urges. 

Beleth: I notice you’ve yet to do the third option.

B: Because I’ve selected the second option. 

Beleth: But you haven’t ruled it out.

B: Eh. We’ll see how things go. 

Beleth: I’ll say it now—we can’t _both_ screw all of the house leaders.

B: Because…? 

Beleth: I’m not going to force anyone into choosing between us.

B: No one said you had to. We’re both here, aren’t we? 

Beleth: How does that work in the long-term?

B: You know about the polycule by now. 

Beleth: How could I not. 

B: Let’s just let things work themselves out. 

Beleth: I hope this isn’t a terrible mistake.

B: Oh yeah. I almost forgot that you still have the capacity to worry. 

Beleth: -_-

B: -_-

You Know What This Is (wink) 

—Saturday, 11:15 a.m.—

Beleth: @Yuri

Beleth: Why is there a bouquet of roses on my desk?

Yuri: Because you deserve to be appreciated.

Beleth: Last week it was chocolate, and the week before that was a stuffed wolf.

Beleth: Why are you like this?

Yuri: I simply enjoy showing those who take the time to help others that their efforts are cherished. 

Yuri: Almost as much as I cherish your smile. 

Beleth: I don’t think you’ve _ever_ seen me smile, but alright then. 

Yuri: I do hope to see you smile someday soon, Professor. 

Beleth: I can never tell if you’re being sincere. 

Yuri: I assure you I am being _entirely_ sincere. 

B: Huh. And here I thought him being here would take some “appreciation” away from me. Oh how wrong I was. 

Beleth: I now understand your struggles, Leth. Mr. LeClerc has quite the silver tongue.

B: And quite the penchant for gift-giving. 

B: [ItsNiceButWhere’sTheRestOfIt.jpg]

Yuri: ;)

Beleth: Well, it’s good to know that I’m not special in _that_ regard.

Yuri: You’re both very, very special. 

Beleth: So you’ve said. Many times.

Beleth: You could have just asked for tea time like all the others.

Yuri: Precisely. Tea time with you is such a regularly platonic occurrence that it no longer feels exceptional. 

Beleth: I know I’m going to regret asking…

Beleth: But what’s _your_ idea of “exceptional”?

Yuri: Come to my room and I’ll show you. 

Beleth: -_-

Beleth: If I get there and find you lying naked on a bed of rose petals, you’re dead to me. 

Yuri: Oh, I would never attempt something so utterly cliche. 

Beleth: Should I humor him, Leth? 

B: Hmm. To make things exciting—if you humor him, I’ll indulge someone else. 

Beleth: In that case, I’ll see you in ten minutes, Mr. LeClerc.

Yuri: I look forward to seeing you, Professor Beleth.

Yuri: And don’t think I won’t extend you a similar invitation in the future, Professor Byleth. 

B: One at a time, Yuri. One at a time. 

—Saturday, 11:30 a.m.—

Edelgard: WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

B: We both know you read the chat. And I fully intend to hold up my end of the bargain. 

Dimitri: B-Bargain? What does “indulge” even mean???

B: It means _whatever_ you think it means. 

Claude: Hehehehehehehe… 

B: Yes. Even that, Claude. 

Dimitri: … 

Edelgard: You

Edelgard: Professor. By “that”, you mean…?

B: It means _whatever you think it means_. 

Edelgard: I don’t know whether to jump for joy or pull my hair out.

Claude: This is why I love you, Teach. Your mind is _truly_ wonderful.

B: Of course, this all applies to whoever asks first. 

Dimitri: Professor may I please have the chance to do this whatever it is please?

B: Hmm. Whoever asks the most _nicely_ first. 

Edelgard: You’re cruel, sadistic, and unfeeling.

Edelgard: And goddamnit I’m still going along with this.

B: Takes one to know one. 

Claude: OH SNAP

Edelgard: Shut it.

Edelgard: Professor Byleth, would you do me the honor of spending a day together? I would love to learn more about you as a person, and foster a more meaningful relationship.

B: Hmmmmm. I think I’ll just take all three of you out. 

Claude: WOOHOO! I didn’t even have to do anything! 

B: Well, since you pointed it out, beg. 

Claude: I have no shame ;)

Claude: Professor, please, I’ve longed to spend my days at your side for as long as I can remember. _Please_ , let me be with you for even a little bit? It would make all the difference in the world. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do with myself if you say no.

B: Laying it on pretty thick there. But sure. Meet me in the parking lot. I’ll drive us to a restaurant. 

Claude: You’ve made me the happiest man in the universe, Teach.

Claude: I’ll pick up the check for this one.

B: No, this is my treat. 

Claude: In total, 100% seriousness, I am nothing if not fair. Please, allow me.

B: Claude. 

B: Just… let me spoil you. You deserve it. 

Claude: oh

Claude: thank you

___

Byleth isn’t nervous while waiting for the house leaders to scramble outside and pile into her car. It’s more like she isn’t sure what to anticipate. She’s spent so long teasing _them specifically_ that actually setting up what is very much a date feels strange. It would probably be weirder if she wasn’t the same age they were (on that line of thought, it’s a good thing no one at the university cares about students with teachers). 

A knock on her window brings her back to reality. Outside is Claude, wearing an uncharacteristically nervous smile. “Hey, Teach!” he waves, “Ready to roll?” 

She gives him a calm smile and unlocks the car doors. Edelgard practically throws herself into the front seat. “My Teacher,” she breathes, a pink blush coating her cheeks, “I’m so grateful for the chance to spend the day with you!” The normally self-assured princess fidgets, having no idea what to do with herself. 

Dimitri fiddles with his shirt, flattening out wrinkles that aren’t there, once he’s seated in the back. “Thank you for the invitation, Professor,” he smiles warmly, “I’m honored you took time out of your no doubt busy schedule for us.” 

“It’s no trouble. My students are often the highlight of my day,” with a slight smirk Byleth adds, “especially you three.” She doesn’t let them fully process the statement before taking off down the road. “So, how have your days been?” Byleth peers into the mirror. “How many people have you screwed over today, Claude?” 

“None, actually,” he chuckles. “But the night is young! Who knows what the gods have in store for me.” The Riegan heir sends Dimitri a playful wink.

Edelgard clears her throat. “Knowing you, you’ll find a way to get the four of us into trouble before the end of the day.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a little trouble,” Byleth insists, “as long as nothing’s burned down in the process.” 

Meanwhile, Claude scoots ever closer to Dimitri, and the pink-faced prince finds himself cornered against the car door. “C-Claude,” he whispers, “we’re in- the _Professor_ is-”

“Can you blame me, Mitya?” Claude places a quick kiss on his nose. “Teasing you is _too much fun_.”

“Try _not_ to have _too much fun_ ,” Byleth says, amusement clearly lining her tone, “at least, not yet.”

Edelgard feels her heart leap and her pulse starts to race. She squeezes the edge of her blouse and briefly allows her mind to wander. What does ‘not yet’ mean? Does that mean that this isn’t _just_ an outing? The Professor said ‘indulge’ meant whatever they wanted it to mean, but how far was she willing to-

“Edie, you’re drooling.”

“Wha- I’m am _not_!”

Byleth hums a laugh. “Of course. Her Majesty would _never_.” 

“Please don’t pick on El, Professor,” Dimitri spoke up, “We’re all a little anxious about tonight.”

“Whatever do you have to be anxious about? It’s just me, after all.” 

Claude gives her an incredulous look. “Uh, _just you_ , Teach? You’re kidding, right?”

“No actually. You three don’t have to worry about trying to impress me or anything. Honestly,” Byleth pulls the car up beside a quaint cafe, “I adore all of you just the way you are.” 

All three house leaders turn various shades of red, too stunned to do much else besides stare and sputter. Dimitri attempts to break the silence, his voice cracking, “Th- _Ahem_ , thank you Professor. You’re… Really, you’re too kind.”

“Really? I think I can be _far_ kinder.” Byleth makes sure to open the doors for them and holds hands with Edelgard, who nearly swoons. “Order whatever you want.” Her smile is wider than what they’re used to. “I’ll make sure to take care of you.” Then she strides into the cafe with Edelgard clinging to her side. 

Dimitri and Claude spend a moment standing in the parking lot, beyond stupefied by their professor’s shift in behavior. “I can’t do this, Claude,” the blonde murmurs.

The brunette grasps his hand. “I feel you, Mitya, I really do.” He takes a deep breath and fixes Dimitri with his trademark confident smirk—the only difference being that his smile now reaches his sparkling eyes. “But we're not making any progress out here. C’mon, the ladies have been waiting for us.” 

By the time the boys finally join them, Byleth’s sharing a strawberry milkshake with the princess who’s almost close enough to be pressed against her. “I was worried you wouldn’t be joining us,” she remarks, still clearly holding Edelgard’s hand. Byleth had gone into this with the decision to ditch the aloof persona—there’s no use for it anymore.

On her part, the future empress is in too much of a blissful daze to pay much attention to anything other than the warmth of Byleth’s body. She decides to press her luck and scoot even closer: the Professor doesn’t object. At this point, she feels too gleeful to be embarrassed. 

“So, uh…” Claude rarely struggles with the art of conversation; his professor’s enigmatic nature never fails to both attract and disorient him, and gods he loves it. “Your brother, Professor Beleth—you think he can handle himself with Yuri LeClerc? The man is a literal wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

Byleth smirks. “Which one?” Whatever Yuri has in store, she doubts things will go as smoothly as he’s hoping; her twin is more than capable, not to mention even more sarcastic than she is. 

“Pft, you _know_ which one: the unofficial fourth house’s leader and sex incarnate.”

“Ah, _him_. I wouldn’t worry.” She wraps an arm around Edelgard and the princess attempts to muffle a particularly undignified squeal. 

Dimitri barely manages to conceal a laugh behind his hand. “Are you alright, El?” He can’t keep the amused grin off his face. “You look as though you might faint.”

Her step-brother’s voice is jarring in the way it pulls her out of her delighted stupor. She tries to stutter a response, but gives up and settles on an ineffective death glare. “Hush, you.” 

The prince’s smile turns sincere, if not a touch sad as well. “I am happy for you, El. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you truly happy.”

“Oh, well,” there’s a reason why she’s left their familial relationship go unsaid for so long: Edelgard has no clue how to handle moments like this, “It’s nice to see you happy, too.” 

“You two are precious,” Byleth says, an unreadable twinkle in her eye. “Claude, you look a little envious. How about you switch places with Edelgard?” 

The boy jumps in his seat, embarrassed to have been caught staring. “A-Ah, thanks but nah!” He attempts to wave them off with a smile. “I don’t want to interrupt the moment. This is fine.”

“I insist.” Byleth casually lifts a befuddled Edelgard into her arms and sets her on her feet; she tugs Claude beside her, draping her arm over his shoulders. “Isn’t _this_ better?” 

The other two house leaders bear witness to the rare sight of Claude von Riegan reduced to a flustered mess. “S-Sure!” he squeaks, looking up at his taller professor like a trapped mouse, “This is- Y-Yeah!” 

She turns her mischievous smile to the awkward siblings. “Why don’t you two order for us?” Byleth nonchalantly runs a finger along Claude’s arm. “I have quite a few things to discuss with Mr. von Riegan.” 

Claude can’t suppress his violent shiver at that. “C-Cool!”

Dimitri rolls his eyes fondly. “I assume you’d like a usual, Claude?” At his datemate’s distracted nod, he heads to the counter with Edelgard in tow. He orders a caramel macchiato and a glass of water for himself—no matter the beverage, he wouldn’t be able to taste it.

Edelgard feels a twinge of jealousy when she sees Claude’s head on Byleth’s shoulder, but that’s quickly replaced by a new set of nerves at her proximity to Dimitri. “So… how are you feeling about,” she gestures back toward their table, “all of this?” 

His humorous, lopsided smile is blinding. “I’m _terrified_. But, in a good way. It’s just the nature of relationships, I suppose.” He pays for his order and idly leans against the wall. “Even if this doesn’t work out, and she ends up choosing either of you,” he breathes a content sigh, “this is enough.” 

“Snk… pfft…” Edelgard does her best to keep it together. Her facade cracks the moment they step away from the counter. “Hahahaha! Dimi, I think it’s rather obvious that she’s chosen _all of us_.” 

He blinks owlishly, visibly struggling to formulate a response. “Did you call me- It’s too early to- Are you laughing at me?”

She flicks his forehead the way she did whenever he said something silly as a child. “I’m laughing at how hopelessly noble you’re being in a situation this absurd. It’s- _hahahaha_!” 

A big, dopey grin spreads across Dimitri’s face. “I’m being _realistic_!” he protests, “Just because she claims that I’m her ‘favorite’, doesn’t mean that she isn’t infatuated with you!”

“I still don’t know how you managed to get so high up on her list that your spot isn’t quantifiable.” Edelgard sighs dramatically. “Whatever could you possibly have that I don’t- ah! What was it the professor called you? A good boy golden retriever? That must be it.” 

“Th-That- What does that even _mean_? Besides, she gives you special treatment and returns Claude’s flirtations.”

“... Did you just say _flirtations_ ? What are you, _ninety_?” 

“ _Ellll_ ,” Dimitri whines, “I’m being serious! The Professor is nice to me, but she interacts with you and Claude in more meaningful ways.”

Edelgard simply cannot help herself. “Do you wish she would interact with your _monster dick_?” Before he can answer, she slides back into her seat across from the now laughing and far less flustered Claude. 

“You’re _mean_!” Claude chuckles, beaming.

“Takes one,” Byleth squeezes his arm, “to know one.” She glances at a gaping Dimitri and then at Edelgard. “Did you break him?” 

“Possibly.” 

When Dimitri returns, he all but slams his and Claude’s drinks down on the table top. “You _always_ do this,” he sulks, “Do you find joy in my humiliation?”

“Yes,” she says without a second of hesitation, “I find _great joy_ in your humiliation.”

Byleth sets her sights on the prince. “I’ll comfort you, Dimitri.” Claude takes the hint and swiftly slides over to sit next to Edelgard. 

“Hm?” Ever innocent, Dimitri tilts his head and scrunches his brow. “How?”

Byleth reaches over and grasps the hem of his shirt—with surprising strength, she pulls him in close, an arm around his waist. “Like this.” 

Blue screened, the blonde can only manage a soft, “Oh,” as Byleth wraps him in a tender embrace. “Th-This… Thank y-you.”

-

Edelgard steals the front seat again because the others aren’t quick enough to get to it first. “Where to next?” She’s feeling far less nervous about messing this up.

Byleth is so thoroughly nonplussed in the way she adjusts her mirror that her next words give all three students whiplash. “My apartment.”

Dimitri nearly throws himself out the window; if not for Claude grabbing him by the beltloop, he would have succeeded. “I-I-I… Wh-Wha… No, we… Um… _Professor_!”

“Hm?” Byleth looks back at him after stopping at a red light. “Is everything alright, Dimitri?”

“I-I… I mean, _in theory_?”

“I can’t imagine what you’re theorizing.”

Edelgard had gone stock still. She wasn’t moving or even blinking. Hell, it was debatable whether or not she was breathing. 

“Uh, Teach,” Claude forces a hysteric chuckle, “you’re gonna need to be _a bit_ more specific than that!”

“Truly? I don’t understand what you three could be picturing us doing at my apartment.” 

“...Teach? Stop. Before Dimitri actually kills himself.”

“Oh, _that’s_ what you were imagining. I should remember that college students tend to be dirty-minded.”

Edelgard fights the urge to throttle her. “Don’t act like you didn’t know.”

“I intended to treat you to an at-home movie, but if that’s what you want-”

“NO,” Dimitri cuts in, face burning, “THAT SOUNDS _WONDERFUL_.”

“Why are you yelling?”

“Teacher,” Edelgard’s tone is murderous, “Just. Drive.”

___

“I can’t believe we just did that.”

“I told you I had something special planned.”

“I didn’t know you had such… _magic_ fingers.”

“What can I say? I’m experienced.”

“Who’d have thought that _you_ of all people would be into _knitting_.”

“I also cook, clean, and sing. Really, I’m the ideal husband.” 

Beleth tilts his head. “Then why don’t you just marry Ashe and settle down?”

“I don’t believe in the institution of marriage,” Yuri remarks. “Besides, both of us are _very_ polyamorous.” 

“But you’re so sweet together…” Beleth sets his mostly-finished scarf and needles aside. “Wouldn’t you rather be happy with someone who loves you instead of using people for pleasure?”

Yuri raises a brow. “Using?” He finishes the last section of his scarf and holds it up for evaluation. “That’s certainly an interesting way of viewing things.” 

“Well, from what I understand, your romantic life outside of Ashe consists of one night stands. Not even datemates, flings.” 

“And you assume I’m unhappy because…?” Yuri continues to scrutinize the stretch of fabric. 

“I don’t assume anything. I’m just trying to understand.”

“Pft. I sincerely hope you’re not expecting a sophisticated answer. The reason why I sleep around so much is because there’s an abundance of attractive people in the world and I happen to enjoy sex.” 

“Hm.” The professor strokes his chin. “So what makes you want to stick with Ashe?”

“To be frank, literally everything about him.” Yuri _could_ stop there, but there’s too much to say to not continue. “He is by far one of the most kind and patient souls to ever be put on this earth—I have no idea how he can go so out of his way to ensure the happiness of all those around him. His appreciation for life is downright adorable. I would literally die for his freckles and-” well that had gotten embarrassing impressively fast. “Ahem. Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

A rare, small smile plays at Beleth’s lips. “Huh. You can be pretty cute sometimes.”

“... With all due respect, Professor, say that again and I will have no choice but to murder you in your sleep.” 

“Pft, it seems that _someone_ doesn’t like compliments. Noted for the future.”

“I dislike mushiness. It’s bad for my black heart.” 

“If that were true, you wouldn’t be dating Ashe.” Beleth’s smile turns sly. “And if you _seriously_ want to get with me, you’ll have to be open to ‘mushiness’.”

___

Ultimate Eagles

—Saturday, 7:45 p.m.—

Dorothea: EDELGARD YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Dorothea: YOU ABSOLUTE TRAITOR

Dorothea: I GIVE YOU MY UNDYING LOVE AND THIS IS WHAT I GET IN RETURN

Dorothea: YOU **_MOTHERFUCKER_ **

Bernadetta: O.O

Ferdinand: Dorothea, perhaps you should take a moment to calm yourself. 

Dorothea: I’m not angry. Just disappointed. 

Bernadetta: O.O

Dorothea: I’m not disappointed in _you_ , Bernie. You only ever make us all proud. 

Dorothea: Unlike **_SOMEONE_ **.

Bernadetta: O.O

Petra: I believe you have given her a fright.

Caspar: That’s literally the face she’s making irl, dude. 

Ferdinand: Please, darling Dorothea, you must breath.

Dorothea: Sure. _Sure_. I’ll just breathe. It sounds easy enough. 

Dorothea: Hey, Ferdie, how about you come over here so I can breathe into your asshole. 

Ferdinand: I

Ferdinand: My apologies. I will leave you to your fury.

Dorothea: No, I’m sorry. I don’t even know what that was. 

Linhardt: Was that a threat or a promise? 

Dorothea: I haven’t the faintest idea, Linny. 

Linhardt: I can’t decide whether your current state scares me or turns me on.

Bernadetta: … 

Bernadetta: I’ve climaxed from fear before. 

Bernadetta: It’s a thing. 

Linhardt: I know, Bernadetta. I was attempting a joke. As usual, I failed.

Caspar: It’s because no one fucking knows whether you’re being sarcastic or serious. 

Linhardt: I should be concerned about that, but stress isn’t conducive to sleep.

Linhardt: Wait, is Hubert still among us?

Hubert: I’m very alive. I was merely enjoying the show. 

Hubert: And please refrain from calling Her Majesty a motherfucker. Just putting it out there.

Petra: Has Edelgard fucked a mother? 

Dorothea: Well, she’s slept with Mercie, the resident Mommy. 

Hubert: Never

Hubert: Say that again

Hubert: I have to bleach my brain now.

Golden Memes

Hilda: Claude had better give me all the deets and then some. 

Ignatz: Is it really our business, though?

Hilda: He _is_ my boyfriend. I’d say it’s mine at the very least. 

Marianne: I can’t help being a little bit curious. 

Raphael: You think the Professor railed him?

Lorenz: Thank you, Raphael, for so eloquently cutting to the chase. 

Raphael: No problem, pal!

Leonie: Wait. Do you think she railed all three of them? At the same time? 

Lysithea: Unless she has three disturbingly long dicks, I don’t believe that’s possible.

Ignatz: Lysithea, I had enough nightmare fuel already. 

Hilda: PFFFT

Hilda: I just imagined her pulling down her pants and Claude’s like, “ _Help_ ”. 

Ignatz: Please, stop. Please.

Leonie: Okay. Let’s not give Iggy _more_ nightmares.

Lorenz: Can anyone else hear Dorothea yelling “motherfucker”? 

Marianne: I was wondering if someone would bring that up. Who do you think upset her? 

Hilda: I bet all the money the Goneril name has on Edelgard. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO

Felix: Perhaps the boar was finally put in his place today.

Ingrid: STHIGG CHUU ORGL

Ingrid: Are you ever going to start calling him Dimitri?

Felix: Hmmmmmm…

Felix: Regularly? No.

Sylvain: I’m jealous, not gonna lie. 

Dedue: We are all very aware.

Ashe: I wonder if Yuri made any progress with Professor Beleth. That man is a _rock_.

Sylvain: If there’s anyone who can get through to him, it’s Yuri. 

Annette: Why were the rest of us not invited?!

Dedue: I believe the Professor intended to get to know the house leaders better.

Mercedes: Or they’re messing with us. 

Mercedes: Either way, I can’t say I blame them. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Saturday, 11:15 p.m.—

Beleth: Before I forget.

Beleth: [HeVeryMuchHasAHeart.mp4]

Yuri: …

Yuri: Mark my words, one day, I am going to _decimate_ your ass.

Beleth: That sounds pretty hot, actually.

Yuri: You crossed the wrong man, Professor. 

Ashe: DAWWWWWWWW

Ashe: I love everything about you, too!!!

Yuri: … Great. Now it is _physically impossible_ for me to continue being angry. 

Beleth: All according to plan. 

B: Since nothing is sacred.

B: [HeIsNotUn-Flusterable.jpg]

Claude: … 

B: Also, I didn’t take that picture. 

Claude: @Edelgard YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Claude: You want a war? Is that it? Fine!

Claude: [ThisDefinitelyIsn’tStalking.jpg]

Dorothea: YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Dorothea: YOU LIED TO ME, EDELGARD

Edelgard: @Claude THAT WAS DIMITRI

Edelgard: Fuck you.

Edelgard: [He’sSpeechlessForOnce.jpg]

Claude: No, fuck you.

Claude: [SenpaiNoticedMe.jpg]

Edelgard: No, fuck YOU.

Edelgard: [Who’sStaringAgain?.jpg]

Claude: NO FUCK YOU.

Claude: [BlushingMaiden.jpg]

Edelgard: FUCK YOU

Claude: FUCK YOU

Beleth: How long are you two going to keep at this?

Edelgard: **FUCK YOU**

Claude: **_FUCK YOU_ **

Edelgard: YOU WANT A WAR WITH ME BITCH?

Edelgard: YOU GOT IT

Beleth: Just hate-fuck and get it over with.

Dimitri: Is it too late to admit that I _did_ take the first picture? 

Claude: I bet $10,000 she gave you the idea so

Claude: @Edelgard _Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck_ you

Dimitri: Oh.

Dimitri: Yes, she did.

Edelgard: **_FUCK YOU_ **

Claude: **_NO FUCK YOU_ **

Lysithea: Okay, as admin, I am going to do my civic duty.

[Lysithea has removed Claude from the chat.]

[Lysithea has removed Edelgard from the chat.]

B: Now they’re just yelling at each other in person. 

Linhardt: I’m taking a nap. Anyone care to join me?

Caspar: Like you had to ask!

Bernadetta: Yay!

Ashe: Certainly!

B: I guess I should go perform _my_ civic duty. 

Beleth: I wish you luck with that.

Leonie: Holy fucking shit. 

Leonie: She just

Leonie: Wow. 

Lorenz: What happened? Did she successfully break them up?

Leonie: Yeah. With a _glare_. 

Sylvain: #Whipped

Felix: I am actually in agreement with Sylvain.

Felix: That is simultaneously embarrassing and hilarious.

Annette: In total fairness, a glare from either Professor would definitely shut _me_ up. 

B: You can add them back now. 

Lysithea: No, I want them to think about what they’ve done.

Raphael: Damn, Lys! You’re stone cold! 

B: I’ll add you to my favorites list again.

[Lysithea has added Claude to the chat.]

[Lysithea has added Edelgard to the chat.]

Sylvain: #Whipped

Lysithea: Like you aren’t just as whipped. 

Claude: Okay, yes that was an overreaction, but I was playing up a joke.

Edelgard: You were? 

Edelgard: I mean

Edelgard: I was also playing up a joke. 

Felix: Holy shit this is fucking funny.

Sylvain: LMAO

Sylvain: I love you, Felix.

Dorothea: A H E M .

Sylvain: Oh yeah! Goddess, is there enough whip to go around?

Edelgard: Don’t act like you wouldn’t have also run off with the Professor for the day. 

Dorothea: … Okay, fair point.

Caspar: Wait, that’s it?!

Ferdinand: All that rage, and this is how it ends?

Dorothea: What? Fair is fair, and she makes a fair point. 

Ferdinand: Well… I am glad you were able to resolve this peacefully. For a moment, I was worried that we would be thrust into another shouting match.

Dorothea: Why shout when I can sing? 

Edelgard: Don’t you dare.

Dorothea: Oh I dare. 

B: My job here is done. 

B: Good night. 

___


	15. Whomst.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone loses their shit over sexcapades. In other words: business as usual.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Sunday, 11:35 p.m.—

B: It happened. 

B: Good night. 

—Monday, 3:00 a.m.—

Edelgard: @B WAT HAPPENED

B: I’ll tell you when we’re no longer in the unholy hours of the morning. 

Edelgard: U MUST TELL ME  **_NOW_ **

B: Nah. 

Edelgard: MY TEACHER

Edelgard: PLEASE

B: Go to sleep, young heiress. 

Edelgard: TELL ME OR I WILL RAZE THIS SCHOOL TO THE GROUND

B: -_-

Edelgard: That was a bit much. I apologize. 

Edelgard: BUT MY DESPERATION STANDS

B: Alright, you asked for it.

B: One of you thirsty gremlins has been satiated. 

B: Good night. 

Edelgard: fucking wat

Claude: It wasn’t me, lemme just get that out of the way.

Claude: And that saddens me.

Dimitri: I… anticipated this day’s arrival. 

Dimitri: I do not know how to feel.

—Monday, 3:05 a.m.—

Sylvain: What the mother of fuck in Claude’s ass

Claude: Normally, I welcome comments about my ass, but what you just said makes zero sense.

Lysithea:  _ Nothing _ makes sense anymore.

Lysithea: She didn’t actually…? 

Constance: This has to be a joke. It’s all one big prank. 

Dimitri: It is not, I promise you.

Dorothea: Which one of you  **_MOTHERLESS GOATFUCKERS_ ** beat me to it and then didn’t break the news?

Bernadetta: O.O

Mercedes: Oh dear, it appears things are going to become quite chaotic. 

Annette: Have you forgotten what our daily lives are like, Mercie?

Sylvain: Son of a goddamn bitch.

Sylvain: Who did it? WHOMST?!

Marianne: Maybe we should all just take a moment to calm down.

Hilda: AFTER we know who dun her. 

Lysithea: No, Hilda, she’s right. We should dial it back. 

Hapi: For the sake of the mother in Claude’s ass, let’s calm down. 

Leonie: NOPE. I demand answers asap!

Hubert: @B What hell have you unleashed. 

Lorenz: I bet that woman is laughing at us right now. 

Yuri: How could she do this to me?!

Yuri: She  **_swore_ ** that she would 

Yuri:  **Byleth!**

Ashe: Uh, I think I should go calm him down. 

Annette: I’d offer to help, but… holy shit that’s scary. 

Bernadetta: ^^^

Annette: He  _ never  _ loses his cool. 

Mercedes: I’ll join you, Ashe!

Dedue: Unfazed as ever, I see. 

Mercedes: <3

Ashe: Thanks, Mercie. <3

Constance: In all seriousness.

Constance:  _ WHOMST _ . 

Claude: Okay, okay, we can logic this out. 

Hubert: This entire situation  _ defies _ all logic, but very well.

Claude: We just need to figure out who doesn’t have an alibi from last night. 

Hapi: It was Balthus.

Claude: Fucking damnit, lemme logic this out!

Dorothea: I will kill myself if you’re being serious. 

Hapi: It’s a shame, but I guess I won’t be hearing from you anymore, D.

Hapi: I saw him walk into her room last night. It wasn’t even a big deal, it just happened.

Claude: …

Hilda: …

Lysithea: …

Leonie: …

Sylvain: …

Dimitri: …

Yuri: …

Yuri: @Balthus

Yuri: You JoJo stand-ass wannabe reject, get in here and answer for yourself. 

Hilda: @Balthus

Hilda: @Balthus

Hilda: @Balthus

Hilda: @Balthus

Claude: @Balthus

Claude: @Balthus

Claude: @Balthus

Claude: @Balthus

Caspar: What’s happen

Caspar: Wait, seriously?

Caspar: No bullshit?

Hapi: No bullshit.

Caspar: …

Caspar: @Balthus

Caspar: @Balthus

Caspar: @Balthus

Caspar: @Balthus

Caspar: Duuuuuuude, did you tap that ass???

Petra: Edelgard appears to be combating with her mattress. 

Ferdinand: Has she officially lost her mind? 

Dorothea: im right there with her

Dorothea: how did that shaved gorilla get to her before i did

Mercedes: Now, now, there’s no need to throw insults. 

Marianne: I agree. 

Yuri: I will find that old man and make him answer for this if it is the last thing I do. 

Raphael: Aw, if Balthus is gone how will we be lifting bros?

Raphael: @Balthus Bro!

—Monday, 5:15 a.m.—

Yuri: Where.

Yuri: Is.

Yuri: He.

Hapi: I wouldn’t be surprised if he cut his losses and skipped town. 

Claude: Well played, Balthus.

B: Oh, I know where he is. 

—Monday, 5:30 a.m.—

Dorothea: …?

Dorothea: Aaaaaand?

Lorenz: She is definitely  _ not _ replying. I can’t say I fault her for it. This is a mess of unholy proportions. 

Beleth: I know where both of them are.

—Monday, 5:40 a.m.—

Claude: AAAAAND?

Beleth: And fuck you. 

Lorenz: Ha!

Claude: I mean,  _ you can. _

—Monday, 5:45 a.m.—

Dimitri: Does anyone know where the Professor lives?

Dedue: Are you alright, Your Highness? 

Dimitri: The exact opposite.

Felix: Huh. And here I thought your inner depression would have taken over by now. At least I don’t have to console you. 

Dimitri: It has. Just not in the way you were likely expecting.

Yuri: I knew I shouldn’t have burned all my blackmail.

Ashe: Yuri!

Mercedes: Ashe, honey, I don’t think he’s in the mood to play nice right now. 

Constance: Franky, neither am I. 

Ferdinand: Constance, since when do you have stakes in this? 

Constance: Hush, Ferdinand!

Constance: Balthus must be located at any cos

Constance: I shall sew my mouth shut. There is nothing worthwhile for me to offer.

Ferdinand: Oh dear. She stepped into the sunlight.

Ferdinand: I will head to her immediately.

Hapi: Coco, follow Ferdie when he comes for you, okay?

Constance: I shall do my best not to fail at such a simple task, but I implore you not to expect much of me. 

Hapi: Mkay.

Hapi: Calmed down yet, Yuribird?

Yuri: What do  _ you _ think? 

Ashe: I’m doing my best to soothe him. We’re hugging and I refuse to let go.

Mercedes: And I made cookies! 

Hapi: Thought you loved sweets, Yuri.

Yuri: I love the idea of finding the disgraced king more. 

—Monday, 7:15 a.m.—

Be Gay & Do (Actual) Crimes

Balthus: Are you guys still losing your shit? 

Hapi: B, what are you doing? You know Yuribird is watching this chat like a hawk.

Balthus: I was hoping he would have calmed his tits by now. 

Hapi: I’m actually laughing right now.

Hapi: Holy shit, this  _ never  _ happens.

Hapi: Thank you for that, Balthus—totally hilarious.

Balthus: You’re welcome. I think. 

Balthus: Anyway, are you good @Yuri? 

Balthus: I’d like to sleep in my bed tonight and not some motel.

Hapi: Are there any nearby motels you aren’t banned from? 

Balthus: Like, a few! 

Balthus: Yo, @Yuri Are you okay now?

Constance: Balthus.

Constance: Is your location on? 

Balthus: Nah, I’m not THAT dumb!

Constance: That’s a relief.

Hapi: I thought you wanted him found?

Constance:  _ I  _ want to find him. No one deserves the wrath of Yuri LeClerc. 

Bathus: You’re good people, Constance. 

Yuri: Unlike me.

Balthus: Hello, Mr. Grumpypants.

Yuri: Just…

Yuri: How. 

Yuri: Just tell me how. 

Balthus: It’s really not that interesting—I didn’t do anything. 

Balthus: The Professor asked if I was free, and then we banged.

Yuri: ……

Yuri: Well then. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

Yuri: [hEdIdN’tDoAnYtHiNg.jpg]

Claude: So she’s just screwing with us. Again.

B: Not really. Balthus isn’t a student. 

Dimitri: Then why does he hang out around campus all the time?!

B: He’s hiding from debt collectors. 

Beleth: He wishes she was kidding. 

Beleth: The man had/still has a gambling problem. Sis is paying for his housing here.

Beleth: It drives Seteth crazy. And that alone makes everything worth it.

B: Amen to that, bro.

Claude: Are you freaking busting my balls?

B: No.

Dimitri: You realize Edelgard has been in her room all day, screaming into a pillow.

B: Siiiiiiigh.

B: I’ll take care of it. 

—Monday, 8:35 a.m.—

Edelgard: Good morning everyone!

Edelgard: Isn’t it a lovely day? 

Hubert: -_- What did the Professor do to cheer you up?

Edelgard: Oh, don’t worry yourself, Hubert.

Petra: There is no worry. Only curiosity.

Edelgard: Well, if you  _ must _ know…

Edelgard: [ChocolateALetter&MorningSnuggles.jpg]

Claude: …Lucky you. 

Edelgard: I know!

B: Alright, Claude. You’re next. 

Claude: Sorry, not in the mood.

Claude: Dimitri might be more agreeable.

B: Check your DMs. 

Claude: Is

Claude: Is this for real, or are you just trying to butter me up?

B: It’s very much for real. 

Claude: In that case… 

Claude: Without shame, I admit that this brought me to tears.

Claude: Thanks, Teach.

B: Can I hug you now? 

Claude: Please.

B: On my way. 

Beleth: She’s just as whipped by you as the three of you are by her.

B: Shush. 

—Monday, 9:00 a.m.—

[Direct Messages: Byleth to Dimitri]

Byleth: @Dimitri

Dimitri: Good morning, Professor. Is there something you need?

Byleth: I have something for you, so I’m heading to your room. 

Dimitri: Um… What’s the occasion?

Byleth: I think your existence is a good enough reason. 

Dimitri: hgjdtsr

Dimitri: there

Dimitri: There’s no need for that.

Byleth: Too late. Open up. 

Dimitri: I’m not presentable!

Byleth: You’re just giving me incentive to break down the door, but okay. 

Dimitri:  _ PROFESSOR _ .

Byleth: I’m waiting. 

Dimitri: Apologies. I’m ready.

Byleth: Great. 

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Monday, 9:45 a.m.—

Dimitri: Isn’t today a beautiful day? 

Claude: The most gorgeous I’ve seen in all my years.

Edelgard: I feel as though anything is possible—nothing can bring me down.

Yuri: Life blows.

B: I’m coming for you next.

Yuri: Not unless you come for me next. 

Yuri: Otherwise, I’d advise against it.

B: -_-

B:  _ Siiiiiiiiiigh _ .

[Direct Messages: Byleth to Yuri]

Byleth: How mad are you on a scale of “Hmph” to “I won’t hesitate, bitch”? 

Yuri: I’m at “I’ll yell at you through a closed door” right now.

Byleth: Ah. 

Byleth: I assume you’ll stay that way even if I accept your terms. 

Byleth: How unfortunate. I suppose I’ll leave you be. 

Yuri: Please, you wouldn’t accept my terms. That would trigger this morning’s hysteria all over again.

Byleth: And here I thought you could keep secrets. I guess I was wrong. 

Yuri: … 

Yuri: I am also with Ashe and Mercedes right now, so… 

Byleth: Ahhhh, I understand. Well, have fun cuddling.

Byleth: And Yuri? 

Yuri: Yeah?

Byleth: Another time.

Byleth: I promise. 

Yuri: …We’ll see.

Yuri: But thank you. 

Gym Bros

—Monday, 9:05 p.m.—

Leonie: @Balthus

Leonie: What was it like? 

Balthus: Pretty damn great. 

Leonie: Did she top you? 

Balthus: Pft, she wishes.

Caspar: You topped the Professor?

Caspar: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

Balthus: To be honest, she let me top her. But still, the Dominant King of Grappling NEVER yields!

Raphael: Hell yeah, bro!

Raphael: We still on to lift tomorrow? 

Balthus: Always, bro! Howsabout the rest of you?

Caspar: Wouldn’t miss it, bro!

Leonie: Damn right, bro. 

Balthus: Gnarly!

Balthus: Kids still say that, right?

Leonie: Bruh, you’re 26 not 76. 

Raphael: You can say whatever you want, broski!

___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’d love to know what you guys think about this chapter and the direction the fic is going in as a whole.


	16. A Campaign of Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t even try to resist.

You Know What This Is (wink) 

—Tuesday, 12:30 p.m.—

B: @Everyone

B: Y’all are getting showered in affection where you want it or not. 

Marianne: Showered?

Marianne: Oh my.

Marianne: Thank you, Professor. 

B: Thank _you_ for existing. 

Marianne: you’re too kind

Sylvain: Hold on. Everyone means _everyone_ , right? 

Lysithea: Look up the word in the dictionary, and tell me what it says. 

Sylvain: According to Miriam Webster: \ ˈev-rē-(ˌ)wən, every person **:** EVERYBODY

Lysithea: There’s your answer.

Sylvain: So this includes Alois? 

B: Hell no. 

What is This “Emotion” of Which You Speak? 

Beleth: You don’t _have_ to do this.

Byleth: Really. I thought a demon would emerge from the ninth circle of hell and shove a barbed wire brush up my ass if I didn’t. Phew. 

Beleth: Why are you like this?

Byleth: Why are you like this? 

Beleth: I asked first.

Beleth: What’s so special about these kids that they need to be “showered in affection”?

Byleth: Go find out. 

Byleth: Actually, that gives me an idea. Why don’t you help me douse them in endearment and see for yourself? 

Beleth: How long have we known each other?

Beleth: You should know that I’m emotionally dead inside by now.

Byleth: As am I, brother dear. 

Beleth: You’re a fraction better off than I am.

Byleth: _A fraction_. -_-

Beleth: That makes all the difference.

Byleth: You don’t have anything better to do. 

Beleth: Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Beleth: Where should I start?

Byleth: We’re spending time with Dedue tomorrow. 

Byleth: Hm. I’ll need to set up a special tea time with Lorenz later this week. 

Beleth: _Lorenz_?

Byleth: What about him.

Beleth: The kid with the same middle name as the mayonnaise?

Byleth: That’s him. 

Beleth: Ugh. Fine.

You Know What This Is (wink) 

Lysithea: Everyone tone down the fucking thirst.

[Lysithea has added Cyril to the chat.]

Lorenz: I apologize in advance.

Cyril: I know what I’m getting into. Call it morbid curiosity. 

Annette: Don’t you have like, a week’s worth of work to get done in one day?

Cyril: You seriously think I haven’t mastered multitasking at this point. 

Petra: Multitasking multiple chores?

Cyril: Multitasking this dumb shit and the things that are actually worth doing. 

Petra: If chatting is not of worth, why do you do it?

Cyril: Morbid curiosity. 

Lorenz: You are seriously going to regret this.

Cyril: Eh. I already see all of you in person, so this can’t be much worse. 

Claude: Look what I just got, lovies~!

Claude: [IsItTooTight?.jpg]

Lysithea: EFISVVGHHSSSSSBVVVTTTT

Lysithea: CAN YOU NOT RIGHT NOW?

Cyril: …

Cyril: Excuse me while I dump an entire bottle of bleach in my eyes. 

Claude: Oh, Cyril! Heya, buddy!

Cyril: Don’t _“buddy”_ me after posting that, dipshit.

Claude: Do you kiss your girlfriend with that mouth?

Cyril: You already know I’m ace. 

Cyril: So you _know_ why that perturbs me to my very core. 

Claude: Almost as much as _this does_ ~?

Claude: [EvenMoreContext.jpg] 

Cyril: … 

Cyril: اللعنة على الحصان ركب مؤخرتك المنحطة.

Claude: Cyril, you **racist**!

Cyril: This has nothing to do with you being Almyran. It’s just because you’re you. 

Claude: You’re right, you **anti-semite**!

Cyril: … Sure. 

Raphael: Ohmygoddess Cyril REALLY?!

Cyril: … Claude isn’t Jewish. 

Claude: As far as _you know_.

Lysithea: He’s not.

Hilda: He’s not.

Marianne: He’s not. 

Claude: Thanks guys. I can always count on you.

Lorenz: Claude, if anything, you’re an atheist. 

Claude: No comments from the peanut gallery.

Cyril: Life is pain. 

Lorenz: You were warned. You’ll get no sympathy here.

Claude: That’s my Lorenz! I love you! <3

Lorenz: I sincerely hate that I also love you.

Claude: I’ll take it!

—Tuesday, 3:35 p.m.—

B: @Dedue Ready or not get ready for love.

Dedue: I am not ready.

B: Too bad.

Dedue: I do not believe unhinging my door was necessary. 

Beleth: It’s been 20 min. I’m driving off without you.

B: To go where? You don’t even know where I was planning on going. 

Beleth: I don’t care. I’ll go to Chuck E Cheese.

B: You can wait the three minutes for me to carry him to the car. 

Beleth: You’re carrying Dedue? 

Beleth: He’s _Dedue_.

Dedue: This actually doesn’t surprise me. The Professor is far stronger than one would expect. 

Beleth: Why do you have a thing for guys who can destroy you when you’re just as capable of destroying them?

B: I don’t have a type. I love all of these gremlins equally. 

Beleth: And I don’t subsist on coffee and sugar.

Dorothea: Wait just a damn second.

Dorothea: If you love us equally, why is there a favorites list? 

B: That list isn’t a measure of how much you’re loved. 

Dorothea: That is what “favorites” means.

Beleth: It’s a measure of which of you are the most tolerable at any given moment in time. 

Dorothea: … 

Dorothea: You’re a real piece of work, you know that?

Beleth: A piece of work you want a piece of.

Dorothea: Damn me, you’re right. 

B: I’m in the parking lot now. Was it so hard to just wait?

Beleth: Yes, yes it was. 

Dedue: Professor, you can set me down now.

Dedue: I have to get into the car.

B: All good things must come to an end. 

Let’s Go Lions LET’S GO 

—Wednesday, 12:20 a.m.—

Ingrid: What

Ingrid: What’s going on?

Ingrid: What are those noises?

Ingrid: Should we call the police? 

Felix: It’s not a big deal.

Ingrid: I feel like it has to be a decently big deal. 

Felix: No. It isn’t.

Ingrid: Am I the only one who has no idea what’s going on??? 

Annette: whats up

Annette: Oh. Ingrid, put on some earmuffs and go back to sleep.

Ingrid: I don’t think I can. What’s happening?!

Ingrid: And how are YOU not freaking out?

Dedue: Ingrid, I don’t think you want to know. 

Ashe: ples friends stop im slepy

Ingrid: Why am I the only one who’s concerned??!!

Dimitri: I have an idea, and I’m better off leaving it unconfirmed.

Dimitri: Please go back to bed, Ingrid.

Ingrid: Will someone just tell me what’s 

Ingrid: There it is again! 

Ingrid: I’m going to go find out what the hell is going on. 

Felix: Have fun.

—Wednesday, 12:30 a.m.—

Mercedes: Does anyone know if Ingrid’s alright? She went pale as a sheet. 

Felix: She’ll live. Go back to Sylvain.

Mercedes: If you’re certain!

—Wednesday, 1:15 a.m.—

Ingrid: Why.

Ingrid: Why did none of you.

Ingrid: Why did I have to bear witness to that. 

Annette: We gave you all the signs. You should’ve listened to us.

Mercedes: Ingrid, dear, are you okay?

Ingrid: No. 

[Felix has changed Mercedes’ name to WhipMaster69.]

WhipMaster69: Hehehehehehe!

Annette: Felix, I love that, but I think we can make this even better.

[Annette has changed WhipMaster69’s name to Mommy.]

Felix: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ingrid: WWEHHHHHYYUUU

Ingrid: fucking whhhhhyyyyyyyyg

Dedue: You have no one to blame for this but yourself.

Sylvain: 24gi8gf2tig

Annette: How are you conscious? 

Sylvain: 6unno

Ingrid: how are you _alive?_

Sylvain: yeee

Sylvain: 

Ingrid: what are you on? ecstasy? 

Felix: holyfuckIcan’tstoplaughing

—Wednesday, 8:45 a.m.—

Sylvain: Okay, I can think again. 

Felix: When have you ever been able to think.

Sylvain: Good point. Thank Goddess I don’t have class today. I can’t feel my legs. 

[Annette has changed the chat name to Yeee the Frog.]

Felix: my face hurts this is the most I’ve ever smiled

Dedue: For once, we appear to be on the same page.

Dimitri: At the very least, Dedue and Felix both finally smiling is a good thing.

Ingrid: You’re happy.

Ingrid: I’m traumatized and you’re happy. 

Sylvain: Psh, you’ve fucked me before.

Ingrid: Not

Ingrid: Like

Ingrid: T h a t

Mommy: Hehehehehehehehe!

Ashe: I FORGOT

Ashe: Lin is looking at me like I have a problem

Annette: From now on, in this household, we worship Yeee the Frog. 

Dimitri: All hail.

Sylvain: Pfffft. I didn’t even see what I posted. 

Ingrid: DON’T ENCOURAGE THIS

[Annette has Ingrid’s name to ActualMom]

ActualMom:  **_NOOOOOOOOO_ **

Annette: It says _actual_ mom! You’re a parental figure.

Dedue: A guiding light that we consistently fail to heed. 

ActualMom: I bet Dorothea doesn’t doesn’t deal with this in her chat. 

Dimitri: Shall I add her? 

ActualMom: I will break up with you on the spot. 

Dimitri: No, you won’t. You worry about me too much.

ActualMom: Just. Don’t.

Dimitri: If you say so.

You Know What This Is (wink) 

Sylvain: My people. Today I bestow this gospel truth upon you.

Sylvain: 

Lysithea: What.

Hubert: I don’t understand. 

Raphael: I hope this doesn’t give me a seizure.

Cyril: Okay, I’m out.

Lorenz: You. Were. _Warned_.

[Cyril has left the group chat.]

Lysithea: Nope. You asked for this. You chose this life for yourself.

[Lysithea has added Cyril to the group chat.]

Cyril: I swear on everything. 

Claude: You’ll be swearing for a very long time, then! :D

Claude: Badum-tsh!

Hilda: Badum-tsh!

B: Setting that insanity aside.

B: Ignatz, Bernadetta, and Annette are up next. I’m taking you to lunch. 

B: And there will be no throwing food away. 

B: @Ignatz

Ignatz: I’msosorry!

B: Don't apologize. I’ve just been told to ensure that you eat well. 

Ignatz: Dang it, guys.

Leonie: You gotta put some meat on those bones, Iggy. 

Ignatz: You’ve said you love me the way I am!

Leonie: I do. That doesn’t change the facts.

Ignatz: (╯︵╰ )

Raphael: Aw, don’t pouty face us, Ig. 

Ignatz: **_(╯︵╰ )_ **

Bernadetta: What do I even do for this? Am I supposed to dress nice? Or smell nice? Or act super polite or something? Or _what_?!

B: You just described what you’re like on a regular basis, so sure. 

Bernadetta: I

Bernadetta: I _smell nice_? 

B: You literally radiate niceness. 

Bernadetta: prfowsadwewer

Linhardt: Oh dear. You may have broken her. 

Bernadetta: i mnay be drokned jus a birt

B: That’s fine. I’ll just carry you. 

Bernadetta: ipbuvy28otpbug92noiqpfm

Caspar: Hoooooo boy. 

Annette: FINALLY

Annette: MY TIME TO SHINE

Annette: THANK YOU PROFESSOR

—Wednesday, 3:58 p.m.—

B: @Caspar @Linhardt @Ashe

B: Be prepared. 

Linhardt: We’re doing this _today_?

B: Don’t worry—you won’t have to move. 

Linhardt: Thank heavens for that.

Dorothea: Seriously? Lin? Not ME???

Linhardt: Life is sad, Dorothea.

B: Be patient, dear songstress. I have something grand planned for you. 

Dorothea: I’m listening!

B: It’s a surprise. Let’s just say I ordered tickets. 

Dorothea: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

B: I come bearing sweet buns. 

Caspar: HELL YES!!!

Caspar: You’re the BEST, Professor!

Ashe: I wholeheartedly agree! :D

Ashe: But Cas, shouldn’t you take it easy on the sugar? I thought you were trying to eat better.

Caspar: I can have a cheat day.

B: Let us convene in Linhardt’s room so he needn’t suffer the torture of physical exertion. 

Linhardt: Bless you, Professor. Bless you.

B: @Beleth You’re coming too, bro.

Beleth: Of course I am. You know I cannot resist sugar.

B: We also need eye candy for our lovely gays. 

Beleth: Ugh, really?

Linhardt: I wouldn’t mind.

Caspar: I mean, we’re all bi, but same difference. 

Ashe: Please, Professor? We’d love to have you! :)

Beleth: @Yuri

Beleth: It is literally impossible to resist him. 

Yuri: Welcome to heaven/hell.

—Wednesday, 7:05 p.m.—

B: @Lorenz @Ferdinand @Constance

B: Evening tea? 

Lorenz: Splendid! I will provide the tea set.

Ferdinand: And I shall procure some quality leaves! 

B: Everything’s already taken care of. Just bring yourselves, gentlemen. And lady.

Constance: Oh, you think of everything! Perhaps you also arranged this rendezvous _indoors_?

B: Somewhere inside with a nice view, but no direct sunlight. 

Constance: Exquisite! Name the place and I shall be there on the dot!

B: I’ll walk you there, milady.

Constance: _professor_

Constance: _please refrain from calling me that_. 

Ferdinand: Do not forget to bring a parasol just in case! We cannot allow sunshine to spoil dear Constance's bright demeanor!

Lorenz: Excellent idea, Ferdinand.

Beleth: Oh holy shit. It’s the Butler Kink Trio. 

Constance: PROFESSOR

Lorenz: Must we sully _every_ conversation with this sort of talk?

Hilda: Apologies, milord. 

Claude: We shall refrain, master. 

Ferdinand: Enough, please!

B: Unfortunately, I have dressed the part.

B: [ServiceWithASmile.jpg.]

Ferdinand: ouphigoyquhqpriojwegvmqwc

Lorenz: … 

Constance: WHY must you torment me SO?!

B: Should I change? 

Constance: NO

Ferdinand: That is not necessary! You look quite lovely, I assure you! Apologies for my lapse in composure.

Lorenz: I agree. There is nothing at all wrong with your attire. 

Beleth: I am seriously tempted to wear a maid dress. 

Constance: Do so, and I will pin you to the nearest wall and make you

Constance: NO FORGET YOU SAW THAT 

Hapi: PFFFFFFFFT

Hapi: It’s a little late for take-backs, Coco. 

Balthus: Daaaaaaaayum, Constance. 

Constance: I am so, so, so, so terribly sorry, Professors!

—Thursday, 3:15 p.m.—

B: @Dorothea It is your time. 

Dorothea: I’m wearing something special for the occasion!

Dorothea: [RedVelvet.jpg]

B: That’s gorgeous but how did you know

B: Never mind. We’re seeing a local production of Wicked. 

Beleth: I know nothing about musicals.

Beleth: But I’ll give this a shot.

Dorothea: I said this before, but

Dorothea: EEEEEEEEEE!

Dorothea: _It’s time to try defying gravity!_

Dorothea: _And you can’t pull me down!_

Dorothea: _So if you care to find me, look to the western sky!_

—Thursday, 8:53 p.m.—

Hubert: @Petra Why are you staring at me from across the cafeteria?

Petra: There is no need to be worrying. I am only remaining vigilant. 

Hubert: That only makes me worry more.

Hubert: Why are the Professors rushing toward me???

-

Byleth and Beleth were dressed in matching black suits when they burst through the cafeteria doors. They flashed badges at everyone who looked their way and were even in sunglasses, despite being indoors. “Hubert von Vestra?” Byleth asked, slamming her hands down on his table. 

Hubert could only stare. “What is happening?”

“You’re gonna need to come with us.” Beleth replied. 

The twins grabbed Hubert by his arms and literally carried him away. Petra only smiled as she gleefully caught up with them. 

“Don’t try to resist,” Byleth said. “You’ll only make it worse for yourself.” 

“I…” Hubert blinked, too shocked to do much else as he was dragged away. “What is going on?” 

“We are taking you on a date!” Petra chimed. 

“This isn’t optional.” Beleth adjusted his sunglasses. “It’s entirely mandatory. We got the order from upper management.” 

“Upper… management?” Hubert echoed. “ _Who_?”

On their way out, the group passed by Dean Rhea. She nodded to the professors. They nodded back. Then they were outside and piling Hubert into a nondescript white van. 

“Rhea… She asked you to- Where did you get a van? _Why_ a van?”

“It is the inconspicuous.” Petra answered, still as jovial as ever. 

-

Ultimate Eagles 

Caspar: Was Hubert just arrested???

Bernadetta: OH NO

Linhardt: No. For some bizarre reason, the Professors decided to dress like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from Men in Black. They then whisked him away with Petra’s assistance.

Dorothea: Ahhhh. I wish I could have been there to see it. 

Bernadetta: That is… 

Bernadetta: Our life is beyond weird.

—Friday, 6:05 a.m.—

Caspar: Hubert and Petra sure have been gone a while. 

Caspar: Are we totally sure he wasn’t taken in by the FBI?

Ferdinand: Of course he was not!

Ferdinand: …Why? Has he committed a crime recently? 

Caspar: I dunno, but it _is_ Hubert we’re talking about. 

Edelgard: I certainly haven’t asked him to do anything illegal. 

Dorothea: Hubie’s an edgelord, not a criminal!

Caspar: Right, right. I just wonder what they’re getting up to. 

Bernadetta: You and the university, Caspie.

Ferdinand: I still do not understand the costumes. Is he a fan of those films?

Edelgard: I think the point was to do something so bizarre that he’d be too confused to try getting out of it. 

Edelgard: Clearly it worked. 

Linhardt: A brilliant idea, really. I may have to use that myself in the future.

Linhardt: If I can work up the motivation to do so.

—Friday, 8:30 a.m.—

Hubert: … 

Hubert: I have no words. 

Petra: We had a marvelous date!

Hubert: Should I ask how they arranged a fireworks display?

Petra: Professor Byleth is knowing a guy. 

Caspar: You got fireworks?! Fuckin’ how???

Hubert: Apparently “Professor Byleth is knowing a guy”. I’ll admit it—I enjoyed myself despite the baffling start. 

Ferdinand: I am glad to hear it, darling! You have a lovely smile, and we simply do not see it often enough. 

Caspar: Yeah, man! Usually when you smile it’s like, okay, who’s getting shanked this time? 

Edelgard: It’s good that someone finally convinced you to take a break. 

Petra: It brought me greater joy than the fireworks!

Dorothea: I can imagine. 

What is This “Emotion” of Which You Speak? 

Byleth: You’re enjoying this just as much as I am. 

Beleth: Meh.

Byleth: [ThisSmileSaysMoreThanMeh.jpg]

Beleth: When did you

Beleth: That doesn’t prove anything.

Byleth: Sure it doesn’t. Just like you agreeing to help in the first place means absolutely nothing. 

Beleth: Exactly. It means nothing.

Byleth: I completely believe you. 

Beleth: -_-

You Know What This Is (wink) 

—Friday, 4:00 p.m.—

B: @Felix Unless you want the Men in Black treatment, come quietly. 

Felix: What are we even doing today?

B: Sparring. Lots and lots of sparring.

B: You’re coming, too @Leonie @Raphael.

Raphael: Woohoo!

Beleth: I will be watching and “cheering” you on.

Felix: Alright. I can live with this.

Leonie: Wait one sec. I was scrolling through the chat, and can we take a minute to acknowledge Professor Byleth “having a thing for guys who can destroy her”?

B: No, no we can’t. 

Beleth: Oh yes we can. She likes to compete for the right to top. 

Leonie: I getcha!

B: I _don’t_ have a type. 

B: Also, bro, you’re one to talk. We both know you love being railed. 

Beleth: Well yeah.

Beleth: I embrace it. Why don’t you?

B: Because I don’t

B: Whatever. 

Felix: Are we starting any time soon? I’m at the training grounds.

B: On our way. 

—Friday, 8:03 p.m.—

B: @Mercedes Today we’re going to have an impromptu baking class.

Mercedes: Professor, you shouldn’t have! 

B: @Sylvain @Ingrid You’re coming too.

Sylvain: I dunno if Ingrid can _look_ at Mercie, let alone be in the same room as her.

Ingrid: No, I’ll be fine. I was overreacting. What other people enjoy is none of my concern. 

Mercedes: I dearly hope I haven’t made you uncomfortable, Ingrid.

Ingrid: Of course not. I just… needed time to adjust to this new image of you. 

Mercedes: Hehe! It’s alright, dear!

Sylvain: We love you, Actual Mom! ;)

Ingrid: I will publicly execute myself if you keep that up. 

Beleth: Interesting as this is, how much baking soda should I buy for gingerbread cookies?

Mercedes: I’ll walk you through the process, Professor. 

—Saturday, 12:00 p.m.—

B: @Hilda @Lysithea @Marianne

B: Makeup party. 

Beleth: Be there or be square. 

Hilda: Professor Beleth! You’re into cosmetics too?! :D

Beleth: I’m interested in seeing how horribly I can mess things up. 

Lysithea: You can’t be worse than me. I know _nothing_ about makeup or beauty products etc.

Marianne: I’m sure we’ll all be fine. I’m just looking forward to spending time together. :)

Hilda: Daw, Mari, you are just the sweetest little thing! 

Beleth: Let’s do this before I implode from the level of cuteness. 

Lysithea: Aha! You aren’t immune either!

Beleth: I never said I was. 

Beleth: Do you have any clue how ridiculously adorable you are, Lysithea? It defies logic.

Lysithea: that is very kind of you thank you

—Saturday, 5:00 p.m.—

B: @Balthus @Hapi

B: The time has arrived, my children. 

Balthus: Oh yeah! I’ve been saving up for this. Drinks are on me!

B: …

B: As impressive as that offer is, it’s my treat—that isn’t up for debate. 

Balthus: Aw c’mon, Professor!

Hapi: Don’t pretend for one second that you aren’t relieved, B. You have no cash. _Negative_ cash.

Beleth: That sounds more accurate. 

Beleth: Besides, there are _other ways_ for you to pay sis back. 

B: -_-

Hapi: I’m sure B can make time for you, Chatterbox. 

Balthus: Damn right I can.

B: Siiiiiiigh. 

B: @Cyril You didn’t think you were exempt from my love, did you? 

Cyril: I was kinda hoping to stay out of this crud.

B: Too bad. You’re one of the gremlins now and you’re taking a break. 

Cyril: I’m cleaning the cafeteria. If I don’t do it, no one will.

B: You’re not our only janitor, you know.

Beleth: Don’t make us Men in Black you. 

Hapi: Surrender to it, Cyril. It’ll be over before you know it.

Cyril: Ugh. 

—Sunday, 1:14 p.m.—

Hapi: I’m just going to say that drunk Cyril is a very different person and leave it at that. 

Balthus: I love that little guy. XD

B: We all do. 

Beleth: I can’t say I didn’t have _some_ fun. So there’s that.

Cyril: No comment. 

___


	17. Call Me Daddy~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following is either blessed or cursed depending on your preferences. Enjoy.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Monday, 11:22 a.m.—

Hapi: I just realized that, with Yuri here, there are now 3 daddies in this chat.

Yuri: I mean, maybe a sugar daddy? If that’s what you’re saying.

Hapi: No, you’re like, a  _ daddy  _ daddy _. _

Yuri: Hapi, I don’t have a daddy kink. If I did, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it.

Hapi: Nah, it’s not about the kink. You just have this… vibe. 

Yuri: Hapi, have I ever told you that one of your best qualities is your eloquence?

Balthus: Hold on, who are the other two daddies? 

Constance: Dimitri and Felix. 

Yuri: How so? I am  _ very _ curious.

Dimitri: WHAT

Felix: Excuse me?

Hapi: You just have that vibe. 

Felix: That explains nothing.

Constance: She means that you enjoy holding a position of authority in bed. 

Felix: Yes, but how does that correlate to the “daddy” thing?

Hapi: Don’t question it, just accept it. 

Dimitri: There is no lack of acceptance.

Dimitri: Just  _ confusion _ .

Hapi: It’s all part of the process. 

Ingrid: Dear Goddess, just wait until Sylvain gets wind of this. 

Sylvain: I have witnessed allllllll of this, Ingrid, and the logic is sound.

Ingrid:  _ Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. _

Sylvain: On a similar note, does no one else here have a daddy kink?!

Sylvain: I  _ can’t  _ be the only one!

Annette: I have daddy  _ issues _ . Is that good enough?

Sylvain: Noooope! I’m talking about a fella who likes being called “daddy”.

Sylvain: Anybody?!

Annette: My dad loves Dimitri more than me. But that’s okay. I’ve accepted it. 

Dimitri: NO THAT IS NOT TRUE

Dimitri: He  _ adores  _ you, he’s just… afraid of disappointing you further.

Dimitri: At least, that’s what I’ve gathered.

Annette: I’ll have to take  _ your  _ word for it since he, you know, won’t speak to me. 

Felix: Speaking of dads, boar, can you tell mine to piss off and bother you instead? 

Dimitri: No. He loves you.

Felix: It’s unwanted. 

Dimitri: That won’t stop him, I’m afraid. :)

Sylvain: AHEM.

Sylvain: Does  _ anyone  _ like being a daddy?!

Sylvain: Dimitri, what about you?

Dimitri: Absolutely not.

Dimitri: And Felix, I don’t understand why you continue to reject Rodrigue’s presence in your life.

Felix: His affection is unwanted and can die in a fire. 

Sylvain: So I take it you don’t have a daddy thing either, Fe?

Felix: I would sooner commit patricide. 

Felix: Which may happen if he continues to bother me. 

Annette: Felix! Don’t say horrible things like that!

Felix: I woke up to 27 missed calls from him. I will say whatever I want. 

Annette: >:(

Annette: If you hate him so much, why did you chuck a present at him last Christmas?

Felix: To make sure his reflexes were still functional. 

Annette: Mhm. ;)

Ingrid: You know, I think you just have no clue how to actually move forward with him, so you’ve decided to continue being angry. 

Annette: That’s what I was thinking, too!

Felix: Or, and hear me out because this might sound a little insane, I just don’t like this man. 

Annette: Sure. ;)

Ingrid: Would it actually kill you to stop being so tsundere?

Dimitri: We love you all the same, Felix.

Felix: Ugh. 

Sylvain: ANYWAY

Sylvain: Lovely as that was, am I seriously alone here?  _ No one _ shares my kink? 

Hapi: No one who wants to admit it. 

Sylvain: Damn it. 

Annette: Maybe Balthus? Just an idea.

Balthus: Oh hell to the no. 

Balthus: I may have a thing for older women / mommies, BUT  _ not  _ daddy.

—Monday, 4:30 p.m.—

[Annette has added 6 people to the chat. Annette has named the chat  _ Truthseekers _ .]

Annette: ALRIGHT LISTEN UP EVERYONE

Annette: Today, we have one mission and one mission only.

Annette: Get Felix to be honest about his feelings. 

Ingrid: So, mission impossible.

Sylvain: You realize that the solution is stupidly simple.

Dedue: I somehow doubt that. 

Sylvain: Just get him drunk.

Ashe: Wait, seriously?

Ashe: Has this happened before? 

Sylvain: Oh yes it has. Drunk Fe is one of the greatest things I’ve ever experienced.

Ingrid: Slight problem—he doesn’t like alcohol. 

Sylvain: He likes long island iced tea. ;D

Dimitri: So, when Felix is drunk, he starts being…  _ nice? _

Sylvain: Yeeeeep! A total sweetheart.

Annette: Someone had better record this shit. 

Mercedes: I will gladly do so! I can also prepare drinks!

Dedue: Your limitless amount of talents never ceases to amaze me, dear. 

Mercedes: Aw, the feeling is mutual, darling. <3

Ashe: I feel like I need to mentally and spiritually prepare myself. 

-

Felix stumbled into the Blue Lion common room and face-planted onto the nearest sofa. “Fuuuuck you,” he drawled, flipping off the lions that had excitedly piled into the room behind him. 

“Maybe later, Fe.” Sylvain ruffled his hair. “Right now, you should relax.”

The bluenette couldn’t help leaning into his boyfriend’s touch. He recoiled after realizing what he was doing. “Piss off,” Felix muttered. 

Ingrid stared at the scene. “I’m not seeing the niceness you mentioned, Sylvain.” 

Mercedes approached with a glass. “Here, dear,” she chimed, “how about some water instead?”

Without even bothering to look, Felix downed the entire thing in one go. “This is Vodka, you assholes.”

“And yet you drank it!” Mercedes giggled and took the glass from him.

“I like Vodka,” Felix shrugged, “almost as much as I like Sylvain’s face—wait, dammit,” he shook his head, “why did I say that?”

Said redhead plopped down beside him, eyes sparking. “You like my face?!” Sylvain’s wide smile was irritatingly adorable.

Despite himself, Felix couldn’t stop talking. “I like the rest of you, too—you’re just so sweet and funny and- oh fuck me.”

“But I thought I was annoying,” Sylvain whined with a pout.

Felix clumsily leaned over and smooched his forehead. “Annoyingly cute, maybe.”

Mercedes already had her phone in hand, gleefully recording every second, when she slyly slid another glass of vodka across the coffee table.

Felix just barely managed to keep from grabbing the drink. He muttered to himself and slumped down so his head was in the nearest person’s lap: that person was Dimitri. 

“U-Um, hello, Felix,” Dimitri stammered with a humorous smirk. “What, uh, what are you doing?”

“Enjoying you.” Felix nuzzled the blonde’s thighs. “I’m so glad I started dating you. You’re, like, the most precious thing ever.”

“I-I-I am?” Dimitri turned beet red. This could not be Felix—he had to be dreaming.

“Uh-huh. You’re adorable and vicious: my favorite combination. Like a baby wild boar.” 

The prince breathed a chuckle. “Even drunk, you won’t let that go.” He ran his fingers through his intoxicated boyfriend’s hair.

Annette was beaming: this was going even better than she’d expected it to. “Your turn, Ingrid!” She pushed the gentlewoman forward. 

“ _ No _ I am not-” Felix threw his arms around Ingrid’s waist and pulled her down onto the couch. “What is...”

Felix wrapped all of his limbs around her in as secure a hold as he could manage. “You’re, like, the best part of my day, actual mom!”

Ingrid couldn’t help herself; her body shook with laughter. “Please,” she wheezed, “Don’t call me that!”

“Mmm,” Felix hummed, burying his face in her hair. “I love you sooo much, Ingrid.” He took another sip of Vodka. “Yer the best.”

“Thank you, Felix.” She patted his head.

“’m bein’ serious here! You always lissen, and yer always there fer me. Ya only scold me s’much cuz ya wish I’d be more honest about, like, everythin’.”

Ingrid pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I know, Fe, but I still love you.”

Annette’s prior enthusiasm dulled a bit as she awkwardly shuffled forward. “Uh, what do you think of me?”

“Think ‘bout you a lot!” Felix swung his head in Annette’s general direction. He reached out with a limp arm, erratically beckoning her closer. “I jus keep thinkin’ that I love yer brain—yer, like, a genius an’ I seriously respect how hard y’work. An’ I fuckin’ love yer voice. S’like so, so sexy.”

Annette turned one thousand shades of red and hid her face in her hands before backing away into a corner. “Dear Goddess, I regret everything, stopstopstop…!”

“An’ yer body is, like, everythin’ I could ever want. Stuffa dreams. I jut wanna grab yer hips an’ never let go. Yer body’s so soft, I could melt into it-”

“HolyGoddess, I get it,  _ stop _ .”

“I jus like feelin’ you, y’know? Could get lost in yer eyes.”

“STAAAAAHHHP!”

“Wanna make ya sing fer me an’ hear ya say my name-”

“Someone please stop him,” Annette was debating knocking herself out, “I can’t take much more of this!” She squeaked.

“Alright,” Dedue cleared his throat, “that’s enough worshipping Annette. You have the rest of us to,  _ ahem _ , gush over.

“I love you more than you will ever comprehend.” Annette clung to Dedue like a lifeline. 

Felix sighed deeply. “Yer so fuckin’ cool, Dedue. Y’look like such a badass jus standin’ over people an’ not sayin’ anythin’. Wish I could be cool without even tryin’.”

Dedue smiled. “I’m flattered, Felix.”

Mercedes wrapped her arms around him, leaning up for a quick kiss. “It must be nice to know your emotional constipation is appreciated by someone!” 

“Hm. Thank you.”

“Cinnamon roll!” Felix made vague gestures in Ashe’s direction. “Cinnamon roll, c’mere!”

Pink from laughter and embarrassment, Ashe took Felix’s hands in his own. “Yes, Felix?”

“Y’make everyone happy jus by existin’.” 

His shorter partner laughed bashfully. “Felix,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “you’re making me blush!”

“S’point!” Felix was now spread out across both Ingrid and Dimitri’s laps. He reached up and smushed Ashe’s cheeks. “Yer freckles get even cuter when ya blush.”

Ashe could only grin and giggle at Felix’s antics. “Th-Thank you, Felix,” he pried the bluenette’s hands away as gently as possible, “You’re too kind.”

“No ‘m not,” Felix scoffed. “‘M an asshole. S’why mommy punishes me.”

“Oh!” Mercedes’ entire being perked up, “That’s my cue!” Phone still raised, she knelt before Felix and pinched his cheek. “I only discipline because I love you so much.”

Ingrid paled and opened her mouth. Literally everyone, including the drunken Felix, turned to her with a warning in their eyes.

“Ingrid,” Dimitri said flatly, “just don’t ask.”

-

—Monday, 11:30 p.m.—

Yeee the Frog

Felix: Fuck all of you. 

Mommy: Love you too, dearest Fe!

Mommy: [HeIsBaby.mp4]

[Felix has left the group chat.]

Annette: Not so fast, buddy.

[Annette has added Felix to the group chat]

Felix: Just fucking forget that happened. Especially you, Annette. 

Annette: I can’t. Your words have been burned into my brain. 

Dedue: It was a heartwarming experience. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.

Felix: Shut up. All of you, shut up. 

Felix: I’m going the fuck to sleep. No one bother me. 

Dimitri: Not even me…?

Felix: Good.

Felix: Night. 

Dimitri: I love you, Felix. Thank you for being a part of my life.

ActualMom: In all seriousness, when are we changing these names back? 

Annette: NEVAH!

ActualMom: Good to know.

You Know What This Is (wink)

—Monday, 11:59 p.m.—

Claude: Okay, now I’m actually curious about who could be hiding a daddy kink. 

Linhardt: It’s Caspar. 

Caspar: No, it’s not.

Linhardt: Yes, it is. 

Caspar: No.

Linhardt: Yes. 

Caspar:  _ No. _

Linhardt: Yes. 

Caspar: No!

Linhardt: Yes.

Caspar: No, damnit!

Linhardt: No. 

Caspar: Yes!

Linhardt: No.

Caspar: For the last time, YES

Caspar: wait

Linhardt: PFFFFFFTHAHAHAHAHA

Linhardt: I didn’t expect that to actually work

Linhardt: shit I’m dying 

Claude: LMFAO

Claude: holy

Caspar: YOU KNOW WHAT LINHARDT VON HEVRING???

Linhardt: Mmmyes?

Caspar: NO I DON’T THINK YOU DO KNOW  _ WHAT _

Caspar: AND WIPE THAT STUPID SEXY SMIRK OFF YOUR DAMN FACE

Linhardt: Okay, I’m sorry,  _ Daddy _ .

Caspar: SHADDUP

Caspar: YOU’RE WRONG YOUR FACE IS WRONG AND EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE IN IS WRONG

Claude: this is the best

Claude: my eyebrows are twitching

Caspar: AND FUCK THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON CLAUDE

Claude: I’d rather ride you,  _ Daddy _ .

Caspar: YEAH WELL WE’LL FUCKING SEE WON’T WE

Hubert: This is most enlightening.

Caspar: DON’T  **_FUCKING_ ** TEST ME RIGHT NOW HUBERT

Hubert: Is  _ Father _ having a bad day?

Caspar: GRRRAAAAAAAAH

Hubert: Is  _ Father _ going Super Saiyan?

Caspar: FUCK THIS SHIT I DIDN’T WAKE UP TODAY TO FACE THIS FUCKING ASSAULT ON MY CHARACTER

[Caspar has left the group chat.]

Lysithea: oh my fuck

Lysithea: No way you can escape this

[Lysithea has added Caspar to the group chat]

Lysithea: Daddy’s home!

Caspar: all of you can suck my balls

Claude: Mmm, yes please,  _ Daddy _ .

Linhardt: ican’tbreathehelp 

Linhardt: he just threw his phone at the window thinking it would break and it bounced off

Ashe: You’re so sweet to us,  _ Daddy _ . :)

Bernadetta: I love your body,  _ Daddy _ !

Caspar: pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaase stooooooooooooooooop

Caspar: You wanna know what fucking sucks about this? It’s actually doing something for me and I hate it. 

Ignatz: Would  _ Daddy _ like some help? I’d be happy to take care of you,  _ Daddy _ !

Caspar: Ignatz. You’re better than this. 

Ignatz: I’m… being serious.

Caspar: THAT’S  _ WORSE _

Ignatz: I’m sorry I won’t do it again

Caspar: Don’t apologize Iggy I

Caspar: uuuuuuuggggggghhhhh whhhhy

Caspar: Why me. WHY ME. Why couldn’t Yuri have this stupid kink instead? 

Ashe: Yuri doesn’t appreciate the thrill of being called daddy,  _ Daddy _ .

Caspar: I’m never having sex with any of you again. 

Linhardt: Mmmmmmmmmm I don’t believe you,  _ Daddy _ .

[Caspar has left the group chat.]

[Lysithea has added Caspar to the group chat]

[Caspar has left the group chat.]

[Lysithea has added Caspar to the group chat]

[Caspar has left the group chat.]

[Lysithea has added Caspar to the group chat]

Lysithea: I can do this all day, bitch.

B: @Caspar You realize you can just mute the chat on your end, right?

Caspar: How do I do that?!?!

B: I’ll show you. 

Ignatz: But we haven’t gotten to take care of  _ Daddy _ ! :(

Caspar: DADDY WOULD LIKE TO BE LEFT ALONE

Claude: imwheezing 

Bernadetta: Noooooooo,  _ Daddy _ , please!

Ashe: We love you,  _ Daddy _ !

B: Alright, I helped him mute it. You can stop now. 

Hubert: Killjoy.

B: A Professor helps their students in their time of need. 

Claude: Wait

Claude: Wait wait wait wait wait wait

Claude: @B Do you have a MOMMY kink???

B: Why are you even asking? 

Claude: Should I take that as a  _ yes _ ? :D

Beleth: You absolutely should. 

Claude: My ticket to the Promised Land! At last I’ve found thee!

B: Don’t even, Claude. Just don’t. 

Claude: I’ll save it for a special occasion. ;)

B: The things I put up with. 

___


End file.
